Dr. Balls Underground Music Review

Dr. Balls random nugget of knowledge: more


The lowdown dirt on Dr. Balls's return!
The shit is out there! Referring to how Dr. Balls fucking owns again! But more specifically about how Dr. Balls is back and it is noticeable to you if you ever visited Dr. Balls's myspace in the past everloving month! I know there are a lot of rumors floating around because it's not enough for people to be jealous of Dr. Balls's enormous girlfriend-stealing penis, but they have to also be jealous of the way Dr. Balls steals their fucking girlfriends!

So this is what happened! My ex-coworker Mr. Fingers got all bent out of shape because I played a stupid little prank on him! It was funny too because I dug up his stupid dead father's rotting body, attached it to a robot, and marched the ugly corpse up to Mr. Fingers's house! You should have seen the look on his face! But of course the stupid faggot cannot find humor in anything so he got the police involved and yadda yadda 6 months in jail! It was totally unsaucalicious and I only raped a couple of inmates! And yes they were all hispanic!

The date of my eventual release and the same date I gave one of the messiest facials to someone's mom was sometime in late fucking September? And since then I've had to take it easy and at my bald bird faced looking lawyer's advice I was really supposed to make any posts on this site which I know you are fucking masturbating to simply the thought of my even thinking about possibly making a post at some unspecified time?

Now chew on that Abraham Lincoln you slave lover!

The people of this region are hostile and represent everything that is the most savage! God should kill them with his lightning bolts and shit would be much awesomer around here!

I just want to remind my staff that just because I no longer work at The Sack Institute (the world reknowned institution from which I was brutally seperated as the result of some bj I got from my boss's wife which was actually quite worth it in the end) that it doesn't mean that they cannot shy away from their obligations to me! You stupid fuckfaces had better get with the program or your wives will also feel the forbidden pleasure of being served simultanously by both Dr. Balls and some other guy he pulls off of the street!

Some people say that getting blowjobs for a living is pretty much the best way to live your life! I believe them! Nothing thinks louder than these nicaraguan facefuckers who get all up in my joint about owing money to some weirdo named Nuñuez or something and I'm like whatever dude, I have been secluded in the secret sanctuary of my esteemed estate The Dr. Balls's Fortress Of Lucidity without any pants for 74 straight days watching porno and eating pizza so I'm just about ready to rock some fat latino dude's ass into the ground next to all of his stupid dead relatives whom I will then dig up and bury you all together in a mass grave and laugh at you!

Who is killing the indie label? God is!
I had a dream last night which pretty much metaphorically depicted current events with music and it was a figurative yet physical indie label symbolized by a stubby hairy penis, and in came God with his big fists holding lightning bolts and struck death to the indie label penis! All of the personified mountains and clouds got all freaked out but I was like, thank you dude! Why have an elitist non-mainstream sect of the music industry when you can just have a bigger mainstream! But then again not everyone has had distinguished experience in the field of knowing every single fucking thing like this guy right here, Dr. Testicules P. Balls II. It graves me such great pleasure in the honor of your actualness!

I mean we all know that logic is the opposite of the rules that govern our physical universe nigga!

Surfs up, asshole!
Most of you don't have to read this diatribe that yours truly is about to unwind because there is just one human, I mean man, out there whose mental capacity contains the previously recorded information about certain events because they were involved in them! You were always on the short end of a long stick, and I have since transformed that stick into a surfboard and smacked you upside the back with it! And nonetheless I said "surf's up asshole" and he was forced to eat his own shame because I packed it real tight so he could get his pretty little mouth around it while his children were forced to watch in vomitous shame!

Angels and Airwaves
Now I'm just going to throw this out there, and you can take it for what you consider it to be worth and stuff, but I'm going to make a prediction that Angels and Airwaves is going to be left grounded at the airport of stagnation, a.k.a. something is going to seriously derail Tom Delonge's dream project of trying to change the world with a song, baby! Like maybe the album won't get released, or it will take another year or there will be some drama what will mar its existence and shit! Natural shit, my love! Make it work or make it go away, with haste and shit!

To: absolutepunk.net
From: The Illustrious Desk of Dr. Balls

Dear absolutecrunk.net,
Just want to let you know that the Angels And/Or Airwaves podcaster is up on the intershizzle! And it is stupid, unless you like to hear 30 minutes of blabbering plus the same 5 minutes of audio you already heard in the trailer baby! I just wanted to let you know because I know the news is important to you, and Dr. Balls is looking out for you, unlike anyone else in your life despite whatever disinterest these liars try to pass off as affection! Now get to work baby!
- Dr. Balls

What do I keep saying to you! What is my new motto! I tell you to not ever believe these bitchy ass lies that are being spread like margarine over our collective noggins while refusing to behave! I know there are all of these lies out there about my upcoming record release, such as "oh I heard that Dr. Balls had some kind of fist fight with his manager and broke a bottle over the man's head, then tried to set the recording studio on fire, and then was thrown in the slammer for driving drunk and stoned and while there confronted his fellow cell mates saying 'Hey are you guys going to try to rape me! That's what happens in jail right! It's supposed to be that big horny faggot 300 pound big black burly dudes and bald white bikers with beards try to get all up in a dude's ass!'" Well none of that really happened! These are all lies just to keep you thrown off course! The prize at the end of the rainbow is a fucking emerald stallion of a record which, though it may have its difficulties, is still going to blow the door off of the bedroom where you lay enveloped in your autoerotic stimulation to the pleasant sounds that emit from the electronic playing device in audacious waves penetrating your innocent and mallable membrane!

Angels And Airwaves Are Away Awhile And Aren't Answering Anyone
I assume you know who the fizuck is in this forcibly mysterious band Angels And Airwaves fronted by some dude from the Blink 182s, I think his name is Tim! This new band might actually be named Angels And/Or Airwaves! Not sure!

So anyway I'm watching this story because it is intangibly saucalicious as ten shrouds of Turin! These guys were supposed to debut themselves to the world by putting one of their songs on the internet on December 13th! Yeah I know that was two days ago and nothing happened baby! Well a couple of weeks ago I guess one of the suits didn't like the idea, so he and this Tim guy got into a rather heated bout of rock-paper-scissors and ended up conceding to let the band put up one of these new things called "podcasters" that you can download to some type of portable device that plays music, like a cell phone! Well guess what! That didn't happen either! Still two days later no sauce!

Then it gets better! On the same day Angels And/Or Airwaves was supposed to podcast their music, Tim's arch-rival and fellow former Blink bandmate (I think it's either Ed or Mark) released the first song from his new band Plus 44, and the song's lyrics were basically about how Tim is a douchebag! And the song also sounded like this millionaire punk rocker recorded the junks in a million dollar tin can! This stuff is even more satisfying than taking a piss!

Here is the worst band website in the fucking world! See how long it takes you to play some of their songs which coincidentally sound like proper medication must be scarce these days!

So I guess being abducted by aliens is like the new thing isn't it! I bet it makes you feel so fucking special to think that alien beings from thousands of light years away find you so intriguing that they break into your house in the most inefficient and dangerous manner simply to take you back to their ship and play with your balls! You wish you knew what it felt like to be like the one and only "stand out from the crowd"-ish you are but you are a fucking wreck Mr. Fingers and I don't believe a goddamn word of this shit that you preach to the people on the sidewalk as you try to tell them how Dr. Balls of all beings ruined an entire life which was already a piece of shit thing to begin with and the next time that you visit your father's grave look at the piss marks I've been leaving on the tombstone! Too bad your fat hand couldn't hold onto him as the rapids rushed him away to his extremely painful and grotesque death! Good job dude!

I have an announcement to make, basically because there are some rumors starting to get ready to circulate through your sexual partners about so-called "problems" with the finished yet unreleased album that non-relatedly has been predicted to be somewhat disturbing to civilization and cause a full on societal blowjob!

The rumors go like this: "So Dr. Balls has been getting hard for the past 6 months about his stupid album and nigga can't even get the shit to the streets!" And you'll be all like jaw gaping at the news because Dr. Balls is like a father figure to you! But believe me, don't believe them! The truth is that there have been some "issues" with it's fucking release but there is momentum to get this thing out the door and there's nothing to worry about baby! I can't tell you exactly what kinds of deals have been struck with what record labels nor can I tell you when the album will be released but you can be assured that shit is in place! It's all there, and it's going to create conditions that are more favorable towards the end-of-the-world kinds of things! a.k.a. not fun!

So guess what baby! Dr. Balls has pretty much invented and trademarked a brand new method of thinking called "faith based ankle grabbing" which is for women (preferably of milf age) who want to give up on their dead end lives and become a sexual pin cushion of Dr. Balls's for 20 minutes and on videotape! Thank gee-oh-dee for drugs and the women who will do anything for them!

So I told this to my brain, Nugget, and he wanted to know why the surface of the earth does not curve the other way! Yeah I know, what a freak! I'm like, the earth isn't fucking concave, idiot! At least not yet!

Guess what else! I condone inventions of new species! Bring that shit on because I want to create animals as close to human beings as possible without actually being them so that I can totally make them my slaves! Think of all the money I can make! Ever heard of making cancer from money?

Dr. Balls has better things to do!
I know you want yours truly to be like updating this blog every day but listen, I have a new album that I am trying to release which is going to blow the juices directly out of your brains, and at the same time I am filming episodes of my tv show American Orphan! You should hear those orphans belt out their songs with their lives and future happiness on the line to win residence in Dr. Balls extravagently immense fortress instead of withering away in their torturous orphanage parentless hell and then being put to sleep in a few years!

So as you can see I'm pretty fucking busy! At the same time your bands aren't doing any crazy shit like stabbing each other with screwdrivers or playfully punching each other in the fucking jaw! Instead there are a number of band conflicts going on in which bands are acting like total pussies and dropping their attacks via internet postings! Oooh terrifying! Like a nasty blog posting does not pale in comparison to the sharp bite of a screwdriver going through your leg as some moppy haired emo kid lays on top of you, his face squealing with raw hatred and pure girlfriend-less emotion!

thescout.net on its warpath to delete Dr. Balls from existence!
Yes baby Kevin "Knights Of Columbus" Carson went out of his way to cancel the blogs of his contributing writers, of whom one is me! This comes after Carson decided to de-link them from hist thescout.net main page, but left the pages up as sort of his wither-on-the-vine strategy! Dude, I pretty much have like an open door policy! Come say it to my face and the bandages that cover it!

Aliens are not taking over!
I don't know how many times I have to repeat this but you have to realize that aliens are not coming to take over this planet! And they are not abducting you! Just think about it, juicy! If you were an alien would you abduct a human by flying a UFO to your house, walking out of the UFO, breaking into the house, walking into your room, and putting a mind-spell on you, and have a few of his buddies drag your limp body to the spacecraft where they take you to a remote location to play with your genitals?

Dr. Balls has been talking about...
Dr. Balls is back! Hide your wife!

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