Dr. Balls Underground Music Review

Dr. Balls random nugget of knowledge: more


Dr. Balls Underground Music Review is the only website out there that is not afraid to tell you that the world is coming to an end! At least that is what God told me!

Some shady web scam outfit stole the domain -thehopeconspiracy.com- from The Hope Conspiracy. It sounds like there was some scheme between this company and the domain registrar. This kind of shit always happens.

So everyone, here's how to contact the company that stole The Hope Conspiracy's domain:

LeaseComm / VMerchant
Address: 5654 St. Joe Road, Suite 104, Fort WayneIN, 46835, US
Phone: 260-428-0104
Fax: 260-428-0104
Email: admin@vmerchant.net

Ok Dr. Balls is going to fart now, so yooz Nu Joisey emo screamos best hit the road with your balls scratching, the right one stacked higher than the left so mercilessly. I'm going to stink up the whole entire Sack Institute with this saucalicious stink blend.


Taking Back Sunday
People, do you really believe these guys are breaking up because the singer cheated on the guitarist's sister or whoever? Come on, there's something else going on with that band. Mark my big fat words, people. Read my balls.

Big D and the Kids Table tragic act of thievery
So some kid stole Steve's green backpack from the band room. His Mini Disc player was in it and it's of great sentimental value to him, because it's the only Mini Disc player that anyone has ever bought.


Ok so I've been getting a lot of slack for my piece on NY post-hardcore bands like Your Day Strong. I guess people don't understand why I called this style original. People, no one else is playing this style of music, name me one other band outside NY playing this type of music, don't get into the habit of rubbing your balls all over my balls!

First cardinal rule of band photography
People, people, please listen! If you're going to be in a band these days then you must learn the first cardinal rule of being in a band these days, which is to make sure, when posing for pictures, that each of you stand staggard with your lead singer in the forefront and your drummer and bassist farthest from the camera! Like these stay golden ponyboys:

Thank you for making Dr. Balls your #1 ranked favorite music review site on the whole web, but I would appreciate it if some of you stupid perverts would not have to yank your little crank dogs every time you come here like this is some type of porno she-male handjob website!

Epitaph Records signing hip hop artists
Epitaph Records signed rapper Sage Francis and now they're dealing with an underground hip hop label. This is because their communist punk records are not selling, because the kids don't want to be villainized by these holier-than-thou-35-yr-old-aging-punkers just because they eat meat and buy stuff from the mall. The kids sick of being preached to by these peace-punk faggots! 70% of them want to bomb Arab people! They are just freaked out by them!

Taking Back Sunday
I don't care if you don't like Taking Back Sunday, "Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)" is a really good song. And I don't care if you like Taking Back Sunday, "Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)" is a really dumb name for a song.

Rumor has it that Piebald is considering a "Best of Piebald" album. It will be the first album in history to have no songs on it.

Good music has moved north of NJ.

A few years ago you might have gotten this sassy old doctor to admit that New Jersey was the hotspot of underground excitement, but even then very testicle-less. Now while NJ kids still continue to re-invent pop-punk for the millionth time, or play grungey screamo rip-off-of-Senses-Fail-ripping-off-Thursday, there are a bunch of kids in southern NY and Long Island playing some rather saucey "post-hardcore" or whatever (despite that same area having suffered a decade of awful hardcore fart). I'm talking about bands like Your Day Strong and The Reformation (not to be confused with the God-fearing, sex-abstaining, Jesus-blood-drinking band by the same name), who play punk riffs with hardcore beats and snotty-emo vocals, sometimes blending it with delicate-as-balls emo-the-way-it-was-supposed-to-be. But still somehow it sounds original, which is enough to make my sphincter tingle oh so delicate like.

If I were to name one skill essential to survival in the 21st century, it would be topography.

I just can't stop laughing my glass eye out every time I think about this band Feable Weiner so I wrote them an email, I even cc'ed each member of the band, Doghouse Records, their old record label, and their producers too.
To: Feable Weiner
From: Dr. Balls MD, c/o The Sack Institute

Feable Weiners, it is to your attention that I may bring to you to see this incredibly unsaucey review of your freakishly unhealthy musical blunder.

"Doghouse Records has just signed the talently challenged Feable Weiner - they have a song called "Attorning me on (she's an attorney and she's turning me on)", which proves once again that Doghouse Records will never ever sign a faggotless band."

I hope you enjoyed that as much as me, although maybe not to the point of ball blasting suckatronics. By the way are you going to see the new Dirty Dancing sequel?

- Dr. Balls

Ok kids, about these creepy communist bands like Intl Rock Celebration Conspiracy or whatever, you really should listen to them and follow what they preach, because that will morally justify downloading their music for free with Kazaa! And it means that their performances will be free to attend! Wouldn't that be great? Free! Then these guys can bitch about earning nothing for all of their hard work! Booh ya!

Ok kids, I'm going now to download pirated music from some of you geeks!

I was at some gay music store and I asked the moppy haired sales clerk if they had an emo section. "What?" he asked. I said "An emo section! Where all the emo cds go! And separated into these groups: 'whiney emo', 'major label emo', 'tight jeans emo', and two dozen racks of 'New Jersey emo'!"

Weezer DVD Delayed
The release of the Weezer DVD has been delayed. They apologize to all 7 of their fans.

Taking Back Sunday
Ok, take it easy kids! TBS is not breaking up! No, it's none of the sort! It's just that they're taking a break so Adam can spend more time filming scenes for a new Xbox fighting game starring Adam whos fights to "take back sunday" from a clan of savage Islamic cave dwellers.

The Starting Line
Ok, these guys made a video for "Best Of Me" 6 months ago, and now they just made a second video for it. And rumor has it that now they are going back to the set to film a third one, and then this Fall they will shoot a video for the acoustic version of "Best Of Me".

Commie rockers International Noise Conspiracy
Thank goodness for bands like The International Noise Conspiracy, because without them we wouldn't know what stupidity sounds like! In an interview concocted by SocialistWorker.org, lead singer Dennis Lyxén said a whole bunch of profound yet ball-sucking Swedish stuff.

So of course he's rapping it up with this socialist worker and he says, "Self-sacrifice is not really what we need. There’s so much stuff that we could do together." So why does one of his favorite books say "A socialist society needs human beings ... full of self-sacrifice ... for his fellow human beings"! And one of his favorite dead persons believed in "self-sacrifice for the cause of true social change and human consciousness"! Boo ya!

Dennis, the wise shepard, says, "You can’t really start a rock band and hope to get the economic structure of the world to crumble." People, listen up here, this guy wants to bankrupt the world! And then you can live like the Soviet Union or Cuba or North Korea! Yes!

These are just some of the great ideas espouted by this obviously brilliant political thinker and in the future will be published in his book, "This Is What Vaginas Sound Like".

Fairweather screwdriver farce
Ok, you thought it was bad enough that the guys in Yellowcard punch each other in the jaw, but leave it to Fairweather to stab each other with screwdrivers!

It all started when the guys were sitting around complaining about how much they suck. Then Peter challenged Shane to a wicked dualling guitar "shred-off". "I totally ripped harder than him", Shane said. Disappointed at losing a guitar shred-off to a drummer, Peter took the next logical step and, while Shane fixed his snare drum, started naming "all the freaky things" he wanted to do to Shane's mother (I can only imagine it involved rubbing his uni-ball all over her). So Shane responded with a screwdriver to Peter's thigh! That'll teach him!

"...They gotta learn you don't cross me", Shane said, "I'm the cock of the walk."
(See Fairweather news 5/6 and 5/10)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the kind of stuff that makes me masturbate!

Is it no wonder that hip hop dominates our culture, while rock barely has 2 solid hours a week on mtv2? Just look at what's on the rock charts: Chevelle, Evanesce, 3 Doors Down? This is supposed to be the best that the rock industry has to offer? So you would think that emo should be breaking through, but have you been listening to the latest emo? Honestly, can you think of any one of these songs that deserves to have a video on mtv2, even at 3 in the morning?

Mock Orange
I can pretty much sum them up in 3 words: indubidably crapalicious.

NOFX seeking renewed diplomatic ties with the US
NOFX, after vehementally opposing the US government's position during the Iraq war and war on terror, is now seeking to renew diplomatic ties with the US. NOFX had threatened to veto any US-coalition proprosed UN resolution if it were to authorize force against Iraq. That move had sparked heated and sometimes saucey outrage within American society, leading to a boycott of NOFX products and even an abolishment of the word "NOFX" from everday language (an online distributor replaced "NOFX albums" in its catalog with "freedom albums"). But after suffering severe economic and sexual consequences, NOFX has begun speaking with President Bush for the first time in 2 months.

Saves the Day update:
Ok, this just in kids, I have heard that Eben and Pete will not be leaving Saves The Day, as was earlier reported. I also heard that they're thinking of adding Prince to their lineup to fill Ted's spot, that spot now officially known to the band's management as "Ted's hole". Trevor Keith (Face To Face) has been trying to land that guitarist spot but was turned down several times.

Big news in the Saves The Day world, Eben and Pete are leaving the band for undisclosed reasons so now Chris will be taking over duties of bass and drums, in addition to singing and playing guitar, for the band's summer tour.

First The Used releases an album that almost breaks through on MTV2, then lead singer Bert starts dating Kelly, he appears on the Osbournes show and doesn't talk, gets made fun of by a stoned Jack for his penis size, then 2 of his songs got big so he dumps Kelly, then Epic records dumps Kelly, then Ozzy leaves Epic out of spite, Sharon and Kelly reconcile, and Jack turns himself into drug rehab for his 'dangerous' addiction to the lethal pot narcotic.

But listen up people, you are really beginning to piss Jack off with your wild speculations that he may start a music career! He violently responds: "That is something I am going to clear up," he said. "I will not be a musician! That's stupid."

The Starting Line
Dr. Balls was in an incident at a bar involving a dude who heard me say a good thing about The Starting Line and he asked me "You like these whiney assholes?", so I whipped out my large behemoth ball-filled scrotum and made him pluck each nasty black hair out with his own teeth, and even though it hurt like hell it was all worth it to watch him afterwards picking those scraggly pubes from his teeth with a toothpick.

Feable Weiner
Doghouse Records has just signed the talently challenged Feable Weiner - they have a song called "Attorning me on (she's an attorney and she's turning me on)", which proves once again that Doghouse Records will never ever sign a faggotless band.

The cover of Rufio's new album is an exuberantly devised photographic masterpiece:

Baloney loaf is my thing.

It's getting ugly right now in 'the biz' as major label record companies are battling each other to sign Kelly Osbourne, recently dumped by Epic Records. The labels are engaged in serious brass knuckle competition to sign this young musical genius and release her highly anticipated 2nd album rumoured to be in mid-production.

Kelly's first album "Shut Up!" was a critcally acclaimed success that redefined rock music and sold a whopping 150,000 copies.

If I had a dime for every emo band that said "We're not 'emo', we're INDIE" I would have enough money to buy up all the unused Get Up Kids' "On A Wire" LPs gathering dust in the Vagrant Records' warehouse.

Watashi Wa
When God (the one that Tooth & Nail Records requires its bands to worship) handed out band names, he thought these guys sounded so awful that they didn't even deserve a bad English name (like Hidden In Plain View or Name Taken) so he gave them a bad Japanese name and laughed his almighty balls off.

Hey Mercedes
Don't get me wrong, these guys are not that bad, it's just that they should spend more time writing good songs instead of redesigning their website 3 times over in a single year.

The Ataris
Dr. Balls would now like to propose an internationally enforced resolution that will bar the use of a cool name like "The Ataris" by the likes of any band that sucks balls bigger than those of an elephant.

I am fabulously saucalicious.

I think that knowing if the next Hey Mercedes album will be any more annoying to listen to than their last one is not nearly as important as knowing when you are going to get your lazy ass over here and scratch my balls like a good Mexican laborer.

I read this stupid bio of NOFX and their new album "War On Errorism", and this thing says:

"...America is now headed by some redneck dunderhead who not only stole the election, but seems intent on the ruin of us all...save us NOFX!"

Yes, please NOFX, beshine your light of infinite wisdom upon the exploited yet unconcerned masses of people, you who are wise in the ways of political science, inherently so because you are 35 year old fat punkers.

Saves the Day
When their new album comes out in September, and no matter how succulently saucy it is, the pervs at buddyhead.com are still going to trash it but insist that Primal Scream's latest is "pretty fucking cool".

How come it's called ThisIsNotEmo.com when it is all about emo?

I have a lot of respect for these guys for having the balls big enough to not only write such ridiculously terrible music, but also to record it, upload it to mp3.com, sit there and click their links for hours and hours in order to bump themselves up the emo chart.

I saw an ad that said "What is Mae?" and I thought "Hmm, what is Mae?" and then I thought "I don't really fucking care what Mae is" but then I thought "Well what if it's porn?"

Finally, here's a band on mp3.com that doesn't deserve to be mentally raped.

The Used
When Bert asked Kelly Osbourne out, do you think it was his idea or his manager's?

Reggie and the Full Effect
How come a band that rips off 80s music is still more original than whatever band is being featured on emotionalpunk.com this week?

Saves the Day
Pete Parada is to Saves the Day as Kid Rock is to Sheryl Crow.

These guys are still around? Does anyone actually own any of their records?

The 101
The moment I heard this band I cried large wet tears of joy into 2 large buckets and I'm saving them to always remind me of the moment when I finally heard a band that doesn't sound like they're from New Jersey.

Ok I have to tell all you boring indie kids this because it's my job as the most advantaged and privileged earthling to do so, especially when I come across crap like this that really makes me scratch my huge brazen balls.

Do you know the band Yellowcard? I found out that a "yellow card" is used in soccer when a player commits a flagrant foul. Well "Yellowcard" must be something used in punk music when a band has a foul fragrance.

But that's not my point kids. They have this update on their tenderlicious website. Their singer was engaged in a friendly little game of "I Hit You, You Hit Me" where he and their violin player were playfully punching each other in their fucking jaws. "... and one of the hits ended up being a little too hard" and broke his jaw. I love this crap.

You know you love the balls. That's why you keep coming back here every day, for more of my succulent knowledge being poured like a juicy sauce all over your soft pinkish brain! Yes, that's why Dr. Balls has over 400,000 hits per hour and this site has only been online for 2 hairy days!

On this day 20 years ago, hardcore punk was born. Ironically it was at the same exact moment that it died.

Dashboard Confessional "Swiss Army Romance" reissue with 2 bonus tracks:
"Hold On" - This song is a trillion times better than whatever crappy emo song by Senses Fail or Anberlin is at #1 on mp3.com this week.
"This Is Not A Forgery" - Here's a good reason why Dashboard should never ever plug his guitar in again.

Saves the Day GTFU Radio interview:
Released on CertainTragedy.com
59.3mb of "what the fuck"-ness.

Face to Face:
At the Warped Tour this summer, if these guys play anything from "How To Ruin Everything", then I"m going to remind them that "there are innocent people in the crowd who don"t need to hear the sounds of an ass farting".

The Stryder:
These guys broke up and put their last song "Trixter" on their website. My question to them is: Why weren't you guys writing succulent gems like this instead of crap like "In a 7-11, do you really think status is helping" that makes my grossly oversized balls hurt just listening to it?

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