Dr. Balls Underground Music Review

Dr. Balls random nugget of knowledge: more


Dr. Balls here and I just got back from the store where I bought popcorn, souffles, raw cow meat, and an eigth of the finest Antarctican bud from the potiguaya plant, all to prepare for the 4 day crazy fest in New York City, because a lot of these protesters are fucking psycho so this should turn out really frighteningly good! They've already started with bike protests that are supposed to successfully and unquestionably ensure that Bush won't be re-elected by blocking traffic so that cars and cabs full of people who aren't Bush couldn't get to where they were going! But this doesn't phase these protesters, because everyone besides them is just some mindless sheep and tool of "the system", but they themselves are lucky enough to just happen to be part of the 2% of the world's population who are smarter than everyone else, right cheesecake nigga!

You see, let me tell you something about "the system". I fucking love the system. It is to my mind like a dirty sanchez is to your face. It fucking works for me but it's not going to work for someone who wants to sleep until noon every day and play music all night! But don't worry baby, just come to this website every day and let me tell you what to think about things, because I know it is a difficult world out there and sometimes concepts like "facts", "actions", "past", and "present" tend to get in the way of your hedonistic desires to live for free like some kind of socialist gutter punk nightmare-looking spikey haired slob!

You know besides that unwonderous post in my guestbook from someone who called me ignorant and retarded because I said Michael Moore's movie had a lot of funny conspiracy theories in it! And yet that?

And he's not the only human, I mean person, to have their feelings hurt like that so let me just clear something up! Do you want to know why someone like Michael Moore would make stuff up! Well I don't know! But let's take a look at a really popular website known to most everyone as Bornbackwards.com because they had a little trouble with alternate realities also somehow getting their juices in the mix! Remember when they did that "Worst Zines on the Web" thing, and they quoted me as saying "I've been listening to New Found Glory since 6th grade!" However they didn't exactly say that I said that, but they put it in quotes in the middle of a paragraph to make it look like I said it! That's just a little trick known here in Antarctica as "putting your sausage in the hole in which meat is supposed to exit, not enter"!

Praise for upcoming Straylight Run debut album
I don't know about you, but if you're trying to be like me as much as possible then I would think that you visit the above link as much as I do, and the site is a blog of rock columnist Trevor "Mexican Donkey Show" Kelly who writes about interviewing emo bands that other elitist "indie" rock columnists look down at from their upturned fucking noses as the scum of the earth that makes their feet feel good as they walk over it!

So he listened to the new Straylight Run album and said
"This is absolutely the most compelling album ever written about some dude sleeping with your sister."
Yes bitch! Those are the smells!

People are still stealing music!
My favorite surprise that happens is when people get in trouble with the government for stealing music, a.k.a. 'sharing', and they have the nerve to complain about it! And people are still doing it! Meanwhile all you need to do is buy a song for 49 cents a piece! That's fucking all, it's fucking cheap! Stop acting like the world owes you something as if you were some kind of socialist punk or something!

Perversion of thought in Epitaph article
Just by reading the unsaucaliciously nonspecific title of the article, which was "The apparent indeterminable classification of counterculture", I knew that this was going to be a boner canceller as soon as I read the first sentence which is 108 words long:
"It has come to my attention, in the collection of many months that have formed the more recent years of societal, intrapersonal and musical influence, that an obese and determinable schism has chiseled itself into the American consciousness, a rift between what is deemed mainstream and underground art, particularly and most noticeably in the youth and adult counterculture of Punk Rock Music, a channel heralded for its vibrant, iconoclastic, original feelings of individual expression, inherent unity, non-materialistic civility and an unyielding desire to explore temperaments and creative avenues that are, more often than not, left unchallenged, labeled as too idealistic or cast aside as fleeting phases of maturation."
That was 1 fucking sentence, niggro? So shamelessly I put down the fucking doobie I was smoking, grabbed the ol' love pork (my pants were already down), and rubbed one out a mean and ultimately spirited episode meant to confuse (you and) the author of that mentally inaccessible column into feeling like the worth of it has been brought to such a low level that it would be really low like fucking ground level!

Conservative punks vs. the Punkvoters battle spinning out of control!
Oh shit I fucking warned you! The fucking gloves are off baby, and so are the condoms, in exactly what I have been alluding to for months now! I keep talking about how shit is really going to hit the fan with this political stuff in your scene! I (me) pointed out that Punkvoter could hardly get mentioned in any news without ConservativePunk.com being mentioned and that must be pissing them off, and I was showing you signs of where Punkvoter was beginning to crack under the buckling tension! Well now ConservativePunk.com has launched a full frenzy of pathological achievement of the enemy's cerebro!

It all started here baby. In my last post, remember, I found those nasty little quotes said by Fat Mike, Bad Religion, and the Swingin' Utters in some German interview! Quotes too hot to be published in English! Or even Ebonics, or nervous emo kid language stutter!

Well when Nick Rizzuto of ConservativePunk.com read that shit he wrote up a response made of large burning fire and nuclear winter and smacked it up onto the conservativepunk.com homepage!

He responds to each of the quotes (to stuff like "[conservative punks] are equipped with a very low I.Q." and "there are only 10 people like that") and even posted an email he got from freaking Justin Sane of the Anti-Flags! It was not a nice email at all! Justin was all like "When I was in high school we had a name for people like you, 'POSERS!'"

And Nick was all like "Apparently the tax-exempt punks over at that other web site have had a few choice words about us all" and "Slandered by the millionaire tax exempt punks, blacklisted by the scene police and hated by PC thugs...guess we've touched a nerve..."

I told you something like this was coming! Oh fucking yes can you fucking feel that! Each thrust is how I get power!

Move over conservative punks, make room for libertarian punks!
Ladies, gentlemen, and she-male transgenders! It really does exist! LibertarianPunk.com! Their shizzlenut is a little sparse right now niggroes but be patient! You know how these Libertarians are! Actually I don't, I've never met one before!

The website is done by Christopher Monnier of Minneapolis Minnesota! He is totally into Libertarianism (which I'm not sure if it is at all related to Scientology or not) and goes to Libertarian meet-ups! He studies mechanical engineering at the University of Minnesota! I have my good eye on him right now, watching him! Hey Chris, that's me outside your window! No, the other fucking window! Yes! Look at me looking at you! Feel my stare!

The Fireside Bowl in Chicago is closing
This punk landmark is closing and will become a bowling alley! Love and/or leave it!

So now this is your chance, you punkers, to keep the Fireside Bowl open! Why don't you do what you always like to do and that is to get the government to force the place to stay open as a bar and club! You could cite all kinds of socialist punk reasons like "It's for the common good" or maybe that it will keep the kids off the street and from committing crimes! So for the benefit of everyone else, the club owners should just this once have their ownership superceded by the will of righteous punks!

Or do you only do that to rich people?

Something really fucked up happened to me over the weekend and since I don't have enough time to tell you the whole story let me just tell you this, that I no longer trust babies. Yes, that's right, I will never be able to trust babies again. They are fucking liars.

Dr. Balls feels sorry for conservative punks
I really do feel bad for you conservative kids! Listen to what the punk 'intelligentsia' have to say about you!

Fat Mike - "[Conservative punk] is a fucking joke!"

Bad Religion - "[Conservative punks] are no different than Nazi skinheads... if someone calls themself a Punk Rocker, or hears Punk, and has conservative opinions, they are equipped with a very low I.Q."

Danzig - "It is only a joke. No one is interested in it."

Swingin' Utters - "There are only ten people like that. It is a ploy of the media."
And get this! Most of these comments were from interviews published in German! Maybe they don't want you to hear them saying these things if it were printed in English!

But here is why I feel bad for you conservative punks! Because the other punks think you are Nazis! They think you hate gays, blacks, women, animals, and trees! They say mean and spiteful stuff like what you just read above!

But the non-con punks are right about one thing, and it is that being a conservative punk is an absolute contradiction. But it is also a contradiction to be a liberal punk, or even a socialist punk. That's because punk was never about solutions, fat people! Punk was about being hung up on problems like how ugly you are or how much you hate your dad, and then blaming other people in order to excuse the hedonistic savagery that you practice, like destroying other people's property or scaring the shit out of old people, in the name of punk! That's what punk was originally about! It was about giving up!

Sum 41
Sum 41 announced that their new album will be named "CHUCK" in honor of the UN "peackeeper" who helped the band escape a hotel in the African Congo that was being shot up by a bunch of savage jungle terrorists! I talked about this back a few months ago! Here is what I said remember! Oh shit!

My favorite part was when everyone except the band (like some UN volunteers, and even the fucking music video director) went back to the hotel to get the band's bags! If you read the article and slobber over every saucy word like you are some kind of retarded chimp that I fantasize about then you'll infer how scared these kids were and you'll realize how they must have begged and pleaded like hell for the other "unimportant" people to go back to scary hotel swiss cheese wall hell!

...in the distance brave UN peacekeepers donning bright baby blue helmets awaited courageously for the shooting to stop so they could rescue the offensive looking (in that region) kids and then bravely run away through the jungle, kicking up dust as they scatter into the sunset!

I just want you to remember when this record is released in October how the album was named after a UN "peacekeeper" who fled when faced with the actual challenge of keeping the peace! But compared to Sum 41, that fucking guy was Rambo!

Dr. Balls accused of living in "fantasy world"
I received this totally unsaucalicious "electronic mail message" from someone:

Have you finally gotten over the scandal where you think Anti Flag conspired to bring you down by getting you caught in that song stealing conspiracy? In other words are you still living in a fantasy world??

He/She/It is of course talking about the song stealing scandal from several months ago!

Well if George Bush can coordinate a conspiracy involving dozens of White House staff members, hundreds of Pentagon officials, thousands of members of the media, and rich white oil tycoons that spans over a decade and involves several different foreign countries and their respective leaders in a complex web of destructive self-interests, then certainly Anti-Flag can be behind the song stealing scandal as well!

Ok people I have something to tell you so you all had better pull your pants up. Until election day in the US is finally fucking over and all of this political boner cancelling retterick finally recedes into the wet spot on the bed sheet of your fucking less-effective-than-mine mind, shit is really going to get deep around here. It is going to get so deep and abortionly unkind that it will swallow up even Dr. Balls, no lie nigga!

You may hear some haters trying to hate on me, and that hate may grow so much ever larger and suck the dick out of you like some kind of giant she-milf!

But just keep one thing in mind (if it is at all possible for your mind to retain anything other than that which is immediately gratifying) and that is to remember that these haters also believe in some really fucked up things and each of these things all follow the same theme: They want to fix the world's problems by forcing other people to do certain things! That's right! Just listen to what they say! They are fucking scary!

All Dr. Balls wants to do is to get his built in orgasmatron on and make fun of the occassional indie elitist whose whole music collection is based on trying to out-obscure his 14 year old sister!

It doesn't get any better than this! Oh wait, yes it does, because the end of the world hasn't even happened yet! That is going to be one fierce fucking ride! It will be like a huge fucking hurricane except made of fire and able to split the earth open wide in order to swallow your burning anguished figure as I stand above the methane-fuming chasm doing a special Apocalypse dance and farting!

I don't understand why some people love animals so much that they won't eat one. I mean, it's not like the damn things are going to heaven! Trust me, I've been in that beautiful fucking place and let me tell you, I've never seen any goddamn animals up there! I think you should all just go ahead and eat the critters all up. In fact I recommend that you eat an animal piece by piece so that it will be alive to watch you eat itself!

You know how some people's houses have a really strong scent? You know how after you leave a home like that, your farts smell like it? Well that's what this website is like!

Have you been to punkvoter lately? Is it me or are they starting to sound more and more like a moon landing conspiracy website?

If you're wondering why Buddyhead suddenly hates Max Bemis of Say Anything well then it's probably because they finally heard this song so don't front like you never had it in that hole before because I can feel how loose it is.

Dr. Balls in the midst of personal reinvention that just might shake the very foundation of said ballsologist's soul!
That's fucking right baby! Kiss my stupid penetrationless holiest of holes and clumsily fall into the future of the world with a brighter and more godlike and gangbang-prone Dr. Balls, raging into full effect guided by an intense and largely juiceful brain that has been numbed over time by a well publicized addiction to milfy porn sluts and their average looking, but curious, best friends! This how Dr. Balls roll, baby! This is why the Dr. is blacker than the average black person! I can do things to your pruney poon, baby, that your boyfriend is too prudish and metrosexual to do while I'm pounding the absolute shit out of it!

Dr. Balls apologizes to musicians
Please accept my apologies, oh wise and intelligent musicians, and trust that I did not mean to offend you to the empty core when I talked about how musicians are somehow inherently "behind the pack", or "not the sharpest knives in the drawer", or "a few inches short of being able to completely satisfy their girlfriends". I actually do love musicians and weird artist people and often invite them to my home a.k.a. the Sanctuary of Ubiquitous Dreams and let them involve themselves in the midst of many of the spontaneous german style orgies that often erupt around me and I just stand there and laugh at how these people are so going to hell! But anyway!

It's just that if you are an overwhelmingly creative person (or 'thing', if you are transgendered) then you must understand that there is something that festers inside your mind (some call it 'the devil', others call it 'cancerous detachment from reality') that keeps you from fully comprehending things and events around you, because they enter your mind via a purple haze and clouds and fuzzy little animals, and they get eaten up by your festering mind shmegma, and out are spat the most wonderful nuggets from the most alternate-reality-living mouths ever on this miserable ending-soon planet!

Kelly Osbourne is going to save rock
Ladies and gentlemen the new music revolution is coming soon. Fuck all these bands that everyone says are the next Nirvana and whatever. Because soon to be released upon the unsuspecting publick is the next Kelly Osbourne album. It is going to fucking redefine music as we know it right now. The talent put into this operation can only be measured in containers no smaller than the containers that George Bush uses to steal oil from peaceful little Arab countries to give to his oil industry cohorts who control him because, assumedly, they must have some sort of secret contract with his texan soul!

Just fucking face it non-believers! Kelly Osbourne is going to do to rock what her father Ozzy did to bats!

Dr. Balls mp3 gift to you, my beloved angel
Say Anything's cover of Damnit by Blink 182
This was from back when Say Anything was called Sayanything and before the juices of the end of the world were not flowing nearly as fast! By the way if you want to eat a real Twinkie then eat a Twinkie that has sauce inside of it!

Propagandhi recording new album soon
I bet that Bush and Ashcroft are already planning some kind of shock and awe search and seizure operation on Propagandhi to keep them from recording! I bet the feds will beat down the doors of the cheap apartments (or apartment) that these guys live in and the feds will wave the Patriot Act right in their face and shut down the recording of the album so that Bush can avoid criticism so that he can continue to invade innocent Arabian nations for their oil and to let his new dad, Dick Cheney, earn no money by giving a contract to a company he no longer works for, right?

Dr. Balls IM conversation with Say Anything's Max Bemis
Dr. Balls: Dear Maxwell,
Dr. Balls: I won't bother wasting your categorically precious time telling you how genuine, although slightly schizophrenic, your new album is!
Dr. Balls: Instead I'll let you in on what I know, from my seemingly infinite reservoir of good taste and good looks!
Dr. Balls: There are certain things that you could have done better on your album and here is what you should have done instead
Max: yesh
Dr. Balls: (1) I don't like the line "I'm the spider, I'm the spider". If I were in charge of the operation I would have changed the line to "I'm the piper, I'm the piper!" Trust me on this one, baby, this is a real money maker I can smell it.
Dr. Balls: (2) Instead of labeling track 5 "Yellow cat (slash) Red cat" you should have just used the actual slash character, like "Yellow cat/Red cat". I firmly (so firmly) believe that the shortened title would make the cd jacket cheaper to produce because it will require .8% less brown ink! You could have made a deal with Doghouse Reckerds that you would save them money producing the cd by shortening the title if they gave you an extra couple of points on the money the cd earns! You could have been a fucking millionaire, but what do I know, right Max, beyond Thunderdome?
Dr. Balls: (3) Instead of re-recording "I want to know your plans" since it was better the last time, you could have written a freaking song about asynchronous sex antagonism you know what that is don't you!
Dr. Balls: (4) The cover of the cd would have looked so much better if, instead of having the big long Pinocchio nose, there was a big long penis shaft. You could have it cover the length of the cover so you don't see the base or the tip so that people won't be quite sure if it is a penis or not, but when you open it the cd inside will have emblazened on it a drawing of a saggy sack of fuzzy balls with flies buzzing around it!
Max: what you dont know is it is a penis
Max: my penis is actually wooden

Dr. Balls conversation with thescout.net guy
Dr. Balls: Death Cab signed, didn't they Chief Killing Moon!
Kevin: No... not yet
Dr. Balls: I heard they signed to a major, although the guy who told me I think is transgendered
Kevin: haha.. No they have not..
Dr. Balls: I trust you more than anyone, you brave soul
Kevin: why thank you doctor

Have you ever seen an alien and looked it straight into its fucking face! Well I have! It is awesome! I hate, I mean love, those insensitive fucks!

So anyway how were you! I am savoring in my own sauces right now in a place I call "Juiceland" which is my windowless shame of a room which is commonly referred to and often defined by in dictionaries and that is something like a bedroom of some sorts. The place usually becomes a hotspot for the commotion that usually happens when I, Dr. Balls, equipped with my brain Nugget, tango with half a dozen or so lezbots, several of their sexually reckless metro boys, and some transgendered freak as the referee, and sauces get mixed! They really do!

My email to Taking Back Sunday
Dear Taking Back Sundays,
I just want to thank you, sincerely, for everything you have done to possibly try to ruin quite possibly my career! I am a one thousand year old creature beast from the Antarctic tundra and I'm coming to push your buttons and get juice out of you! I had gone to your website -- you know, where you have a giant picture of a naked little boy's ass -- when in walks my idiot assistant Mr. Fingers and he sees the naked assage, and although I clicked to another window really quick, he still saw it, and then he went to the authorities and bammo I have some whackjob cop grilling me in my formidable office about chid porno! Luckily I was able to explain myself out of that sticky jam and got back to my closed-door good times where trousers are not required but vaseline is, and the least you could have done was to have put a picture of some milf's naked ass on the album cover instead!

Wrestlemania XI starring Finch versus Disturbed
The nu-metal vs. nu-emo war has claimed its latest victims! This time it was music that wrestling fans listen to versus music you hear at Target! It happened right there on stage! Finch acts like they were targeted, well of course because the Finch guitarist farking said "I'd shoot him in the fucking head. I'd rip his stupid little piercings out" about the Disturbed singer in an interview two years ago!

One of the Finch's dads was there and almost rumbled too, did you know that!

It's too bad they didn't get some girls involved so they could have made love instead of war and had some kind of all out ugly love-in right there on stage! I love it when I see people doing that because it makes me think, dude, they are totally going to hell!

Dr. Balls has been talking about...
Dr. Balls is back! Hide your wife!

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