Dr. Balls Underground Music Review

2006-11-18T20:59:00.000-05:00

The lowdown dirt on Dr. Balls's return!
The shit is out there! Referring to how Dr. Balls fucking owns again! But more specifically about how Dr. Balls is back and it is noticeable to you if you ever visited Dr. Balls's myspace in the past everloving month! I know there are a lot of rumors floating around because it's not enough for people to be jealous of Dr. Balls's enormous girlfriend-stealing penis, but they have to also be jealous of the way Dr. Balls steals their fucking girlfriends!

So this is what happened! My ex-coworker Mr. Fingers got all bent out of shape because I played a stupid little prank on him! It was funny too because I dug up his stupid dead father's rotting body, attached it to a robot, and marched the ugly corpse up to Mr. Fingers's house! You should have seen the look on his face! But of course the stupid faggot cannot find humor in anything so he got the police involved and yadda yadda 6 months in jail! It was totally unsaucalicious and I only raped a couple of inmates! And yes they were all hispanic!

The date of my eventual release and the same date I gave one of the messiest facials to someone's mom was sometime in late fucking September? And since then I've had to take it easy and at my bald bird faced looking lawyer's advice I was really supposed to make any posts on this site which I know you are fucking masturbating to simply the thought of my even thinking about possibly making a post at some unspecified time?

Now chew on that Abraham Lincoln you slave lover!

2006-11-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

The people of this region are hostile and represent everything that is the most savage! God should kill them with his lightning bolts and shit would be much awesomer around here!

I just want to remind my staff that just because I no longer work at The Sack Institute (the world reknowned institution from which I was brutally seperated as the result of some bj I got from my boss's wife which was actually quite worth it in the end) that it doesn't mean that they cannot shy away from their obligations to me! You stupid fuckfaces had better get with the program or your wives will also feel the forbidden pleasure of being served simultanously by both Dr. Balls and some other guy he pulls off of the street!

2006-01-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

Some people say that getting blowjobs for a living is pretty much the best way to live your life! I believe them! Nothing thinks louder than these nicaraguan facefuckers who get all up in my joint about owing money to some weirdo named Nuñuez or something and I'm like whatever dude, I have been secluded in the secret sanctuary of my esteemed estate The Dr. Balls's Fortress Of Lucidity without any pants for 74 straight days watching porno and eating pizza so I'm just about ready to rock some fat latino dude's ass into the ground next to all of his stupid dead relatives whom I will then dig up and bury you all together in a mass grave and laugh at you!

Who is killing the indie label? God is!
I had a dream last night which pretty much metaphorically depicted current events with music and it was a figurative yet physical indie label symbolized by a stubby hairy penis, and in came God with his big fists holding lightning bolts and struck death to the indie label penis! All of the personified mountains and clouds got all freaked out but I was like, thank you dude! Why have an elitist non-mainstream sect of the music industry when you can just have a bigger mainstream! But then again not everyone has had distinguished experience in the field of knowing every single fucking thing like this guy right here, Dr. Testicules P. Balls II. It graves me such great pleasure in the honor of your actualness!

I mean we all know that logic is the opposite of the rules that govern our physical universe nigga!

Surfs up, asshole!
Most of you don't have to read this diatribe that yours truly is about to unwind because there is just one human, I mean man, out there whose mental capacity contains the previously recorded information about certain events because they were involved in them! You were always on the short end of a long stick, and I have since transformed that stick into a surfboard and smacked you upside the back with it! And nonetheless I said "surf's up asshole" and he was forced to eat his own shame because I packed it real tight so he could get his pretty little mouth around it while his children were forced to watch in vomitous shame!

Angels and Airwaves
Now I'm just going to throw this out there, and you can take it for what you consider it to be worth and stuff, but I'm going to make a prediction that Angels and Airwaves is going to be left grounded at the airport of stagnation, a.k.a. something is going to seriously derail Tom Delonge's dream project of trying to change the world with a song, baby! Like maybe the album won't get released, or it will take another year or there will be some drama what will mar its existence and shit! Natural shit, my love! Make it work or make it go away, with haste and shit!

2005-12-18T20:30:00.000-05:00

To: absolutepunk.net
From: The Illustrious Desk of Dr. Balls

Dear absolutecrunk.net,
Just want to let you know that the Angels And/Or Airwaves podcaster is up on the intershizzle! And it is stupid, unless you like to hear 30 minutes of blabbering plus the same 5 minutes of audio you already heard in the trailer baby! I just wanted to let you know because I know the news is important to you, and Dr. Balls is looking out for you, unlike anyone else in your life despite whatever disinterest these liars try to pass off as affection! Now get to work baby!
- Dr. Balls

2005-12-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

What do I keep saying to you! What is my new motto! I tell you to not ever believe these bitchy ass lies that are being spread like margarine over our collective noggins while refusing to behave! I know there are all of these lies out there about my upcoming record release, such as "oh I heard that Dr. Balls had some kind of fist fight with his manager and broke a bottle over the man's head, then tried to set the recording studio on fire, and then was thrown in the slammer for driving drunk and stoned and while there confronted his fellow cell mates saying 'Hey are you guys going to try to rape me! That's what happens in jail right! It's supposed to be that big horny faggot 300 pound big black burly dudes and bald white bikers with beards try to get all up in a dude's ass!'" Well none of that really happened! These are all lies just to keep you thrown off course! The prize at the end of the rainbow is a fucking emerald stallion of a record which, though it may have its difficulties, is still going to blow the door off of the bedroom where you lay enveloped in your autoerotic stimulation to the pleasant sounds that emit from the electronic playing device in audacious waves penetrating your innocent and mallable membrane!

Angels And Airwaves Are Away Awhile And Aren't Answering Anyone
I assume you know who the fizuck is in this forcibly mysterious band Angels And Airwaves fronted by some dude from the Blink 182s, I think his name is Tim! This new band might actually be named Angels And/Or Airwaves! Not sure!

So anyway I'm watching this story because it is intangibly saucalicious as ten shrouds of Turin! These guys were supposed to debut themselves to the world by putting one of their songs on the internet on December 13th! Yeah I know that was two days ago and nothing happened baby! Well a couple of weeks ago I guess one of the suits didn't like the idea, so he and this Tim guy got into a rather heated bout of rock-paper-scissors and ended up conceding to let the band put up one of these new things called "podcasters" that you can download to some type of portable device that plays music, like a cell phone! Well guess what! That didn't happen either! Still two days later no sauce!

Then it gets better! On the same day Angels And/Or Airwaves was supposed to podcast their music, Tim's arch-rival and fellow former Blink bandmate (I think it's either Ed or Mark) released the first song from his new band Plus 44, and the song's lyrics were basically about how Tim is a douchebag! And the song also sounded like this millionaire punk rocker recorded the junks in a million dollar tin can! This stuff is even more satisfying than taking a piss!

Here is the worst band website in the fucking world! See how long it takes you to play some of their songs which coincidentally sound like proper medication must be scarce these days!

2005-12-10T01:45:00.000-05:00

So I guess being abducted by aliens is like the new thing isn't it! I bet it makes you feel so fucking special to think that alien beings from thousands of light years away find you so intriguing that they break into your house in the most inefficient and dangerous manner simply to take you back to their ship and play with your balls! You wish you knew what it felt like to be like the one and only "stand out from the crowd"-ish you are but you are a fucking wreck Mr. Fingers and I don't believe a goddamn word of this shit that you preach to the people on the sidewalk as you try to tell them how Dr. Balls of all beings ruined an entire life which was already a piece of shit thing to begin with and the next time that you visit your father's grave look at the piss marks I've been leaving on the tombstone! Too bad your fat hand couldn't hold onto him as the rapids rushed him away to his extremely painful and grotesque death! Good job dude!

2005-11-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

I have an announcement to make, basically because there are some rumors starting to get ready to circulate through your sexual partners about so-called "problems" with the finished yet unreleased album that non-relatedly has been predicted to be somewhat disturbing to civilization and cause a full on societal blowjob!

The rumors go like this: "So Dr. Balls has been getting hard for the past 6 months about his stupid album and nigga can't even get the shit to the streets!" And you'll be all like jaw gaping at the news because Dr. Balls is like a father figure to you! But believe me, don't believe them! The truth is that there have been some "issues" with it's fucking release but there is momentum to get this thing out the door and there's nothing to worry about baby! I can't tell you exactly what kinds of deals have been struck with what record labels nor can I tell you when the album will be released but you can be assured that shit is in place! It's all there, and it's going to create conditions that are more favorable towards the end-of-the-world kinds of things! a.k.a. not fun!

2005-11-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

So guess what baby! Dr. Balls has pretty much invented and trademarked a brand new method of thinking called "faith based ankle grabbing" which is for women (preferably of milf age) who want to give up on their dead end lives and become a sexual pin cushion of Dr. Balls's for 20 minutes and on videotape! Thank gee-oh-dee for drugs and the women who will do anything for them!

So I told this to my brain, Nugget, and he wanted to know why the surface of the earth does not curve the other way! Yeah I know, what a freak! I'm like, the earth isn't fucking concave, idiot! At least not yet!

Guess what else! I condone inventions of new species! Bring that shit on because I want to create animals as close to human beings as possible without actually being them so that I can totally make them my slaves! Think of all the money I can make! Ever heard of making cancer from money?

2005-11-12T21:09:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls has better things to do!
I know you want yours truly to be like updating this blog every day but listen, I have a new album that I am trying to release which is going to blow the juices directly out of your brains, and at the same time I am filming episodes of my tv show American Orphan! You should hear those orphans belt out their songs with their lives and future happiness on the line to win residence in Dr. Balls extravagently immense fortress instead of withering away in their torturous orphanage parentless hell and then being put to sleep in a few years!

So as you can see I'm pretty fucking busy! At the same time your bands aren't doing any crazy shit like stabbing each other with screwdrivers or playfully punching each other in the fucking jaw! Instead there are a number of band conflicts going on in which bands are acting like total pussies and dropping their attacks via internet postings! Oooh terrifying! Like a nasty blog posting does not pale in comparison to the sharp bite of a screwdriver going through your leg as some moppy haired emo kid lays on top of you, his face squealing with raw hatred and pure girlfriend-less emotion!

thescout.net on its warpath to delete Dr. Balls from existence!
Yes baby Kevin "Knights Of Columbus" Carson went out of his way to cancel the blogs of his contributing writers, of whom one is me! This comes after Carson decided to de-link them from hist thescout.net main page, but left the pages up as sort of his wither-on-the-vine strategy! Dude, I pretty much have like an open door policy! Come say it to my face and the bandages that cover it!

Aliens are not taking over!
I don't know how many times I have to repeat this but you have to realize that aliens are not coming to take over this planet! And they are not abducting you! Just think about it, juicy! If you were an alien would you abduct a human by flying a UFO to your house, walking out of the UFO, breaking into the house, walking into your room, and putting a mind-spell on you, and have a few of his buddies drag your limp body to the spacecraft where they take you to a remote location to play with your genitals?

2005-10-13T18:25:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls to star in new reality show!
I can now finally announce to the world that all asses should be lubed up because there is some serious meat looking for a place to squeeze into! What I'm trying to say is that there's a new reality show starring yours truly and it is going to be like a substitute for bj's, it's gonna be that good!

Here are the premise: There are millions of orphans living in orphanages who desperately need a home. Millions of them a year exceed the maximum orphan age requirement and thus are put to sleep. All of this is about to change because of the kind heart of Dr. Testicules P. Balls II. In a new reality show titled "American Orphan", hundreds of orphans from across America compete against each other for a chance to escape the destitudes of orphan life and become a resident in Dr. Balls grandiose hundred acre estate with enough money to never have to want anything ever again!

In each round, more orphans are eliminated through a series of painstaking singing contests in order to weed out the lazy ones until there are just a few orphans left! Imagine the cutthroat competition as these children give the best performances of their lives as a last ditch attempt to escape the bonds of constant parentless termoil!

Update on the Dr. Balls album
Ok now so this album of yours truly is taking a little longer than that which was expected and shit but we are now aiming for a release date of January 10th, 2006. Fucking saucalicious! I had hoped to release it before Christmas in order to reap the benefits of corporatizationed Christmas mega-money-fork-over Day but it makes no matter when this beautiful bomb drops, because when it drops it will not only explode in everyone's faces but make their faces melt until not even the satisfaction of a healthy birthing will rescue what remains of your mother's love for you!

2005-09-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

So here is the trick to getting what you want! I'm talking about anything that you want! You just gotta get in good with the Jesus god! What I do is I'll be praying to him like "oh Jesus you are like the opposite of an mp3, for you have no beginning and no end" and that will get him all warmed up to me and then next thing ya know I'm like "so can you hook me up with some pretty non-heinous milfs?" and he abides! But I know you're not cool with Jesus! That's because he's friends with George Bush!

New Yo Mama Jokes
Your mama is so ugly, her pussy is prettier!

Your mama is so fat, she often gets speared by buffalo-hunting indians!

Your mama is so fat that thousands of displaced New Orleans citizens have taken up refuge in slabs of her flesh!

Your mama is so black, she gets arrested every day!

Your mama is so black, she thinks OJ Simpson is innocent!

Your mama is so poor, she donates sperm at the clinic for money! All she has to do is cough it up!

Your mama is so ugly, her face is like the equivalent of the holocaust!

Your mama is so ugly, she can't get on airplanes because people think she is a terrorist!

Your mama is so ugly, she can't go out in public because people cry when they see her!

2005-09-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

The status of the new album!
For those of you sweating to know the status of the Dr. Balls album, then for fucking heaven's sake your mind so willing to be raped by its contents will be saucaliciously pleased to know that we are simply months away from its release and shit! I have been working so hard lately (I've had to sacrifice some time usually made available for porn viewing) to ensure that it will be released because I know how much you people want it to be the next thing to take over your consciousness! Don't act like you don't want someone else to take over your thoughts for you! So I've been so busy that this website has pretty much taken a fucking hit! I'm like those bands you like that don't update theirs! Or they'll be like "look for an update this monday" and there will be nothing! Now I am one of those niggas! But I won't lie to you, don't expect updates because I have more important things to do than to tell you fat fucking americans what to think! Go back to McDonalds, you americans!

The status of other shit!
- There is lots of other big fucking news in the Dr. Balls sphere of consciousness, and it will further Dr. Balls' influence into modern culture! Permanent hard on time! Plus it will hold you in complete awe! I'll have to wait until the ink has dried on the deal until I can let you in on the secret! Let's put it this way, it makes a blowjob seem like hell!

- I met another black person today! His name is Curtis and he runs the freaking register at the local Food Fiesta! So that adds one more to my tally of black people that I know so now it's like almost 6! Just who in Antarctica City knows more black people than Dr. Balls! No one, that's who! [Cred points +50]

Punking of Creed singer brings back memories of Dr. Balls punking Mr. Fingers
By now most everyone has heard about the Creed singer getting punked by some kids, and yes it is fucking saucalicious as shit! And it reminded me of a story about my stupid fatherless ex-colleague Mr. Fingers whose wife I also boned (twice) and I can only pray to my vindictive god that I may hear another woman moan as loud again!

So here's what happened. Right after Mr. Fingers's father died and was placed in da ground I decided to play a prank on the stupid loser. I knew he would be at his father's freshly covered grave sobbing and weeping "I'm sorry daddy, if only I had held onto your hand more stronger before the racing waters swept you away to your watery doom" or something like that!

So one night I went to the graveyard and buried a small speaker in the dirt and set up a remote microphone to it! The next morning when Mr. Fingers showed up crying again, he heard a voice coming from the grave! The nigga started digging! He was digging his father out! I swear to my vindictive god that it was the goddamndest funniest thing I ever saw! Then he found the speaker and realized what had happened! He was so pissed! I was like, you've been punked you idiot! I wish I had his crying face on video!

Jello Biafra defends child molesters/killers
I wish I really had finished inventing my mind-control device because my nigga Jella Biafro forgot to take his dailys again! The dude took part in one of those densely political concert/rally type things! I've got this $20 bill that says there was at least one person with a megaphone there! But this wasn't the typical "free the black dude who killed a policer officer" type rally, it was a freshingly yet shockingly new "free the three satan worshippers who molested and killed three little boys" type rally!

The rally's message was that these men are actually innocent and they were framed by a totally hastey police squad with little evidence and mounting pressure to put an end to their small town's haunting crisis! Or as Jella concedes, that at the very least these guys might be guilty but shouldn't have been convicted because there wasn't enough evidence! Nevermind the fact that one of the men confessed! Yes this guy confessed to the crimes but later denied it, saying he was coerced into confessing because he wanted to get out of the supposedly gruelling interrogation that involved "techniques". So let me ask you, how many times have you ever confessed to a wrongdoing that you didn't do just to make thing easier on yourself? Like, yeah I'll just tell these cops what they want to hear (that me and my friends raped and murdered little boys) and then I can go home and relax! And nevermind the fact that there were 3 men involved and 3 boys killed! It was some fucking ritual, for an evil god that doesn't even exist! They did some other sick shit that doesn't warrant discussing on even this site!

George Bush letting Propagandhi release new album!
I'm really surprised but apparently George Bush has decided not to pursue cockblocking Propagandhi from recording and distributing another nugget of socialist wisdom! I was pretty certain that Dubya wouldn't let something like this cross over the Canadian-McDonaldsland border! He stole all that oil (and assumingly used mind control devices to fool the citizenry) so why can't he stop this bomb from dropping! If words had meaning I would describe it!

2005-08-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

So guess who I talked to yesterday! Pope John Paul II! Yeah he is dead I know! But anyone can talk to him if they possess a cauldron, magic, and some special ingredients like hair of newt and milk of milf!

Speaking of milfs, we (a.k.a. I) are throwing down the shit for Labor Day weekend and the place where the shit will be thrown down is otherwise known as the Dr. Balls Ephemeral Palace Of Debauchery! I'm talking about MilfFest 2005! MilfFest is taking place Labor Day weekend and all milfs from around the world are invited to come join yours truly! Get your freak on, baby! Some of the things we plan on doing are things like, oh, getting me milfed!

Another animal loving musician victim of Crohn's disease of the tummy!
A while ago yours truly was all over the Crohn's disease incident which had disrupted the Saves The Days tour because vocalizer Chris Conley was puking and shitting all over the place! And I said, that's what happens when you don't eat meat! Your tummy turns into a pussy!

Now it has happened to Daryl Palumbajumbo of Glassjaw (which I think broke up and reformed about six times so far this year)! Nigga had to take the band off tour because of the Crohn! The dude isn't even a full on vegan or vegetinarian but rather a pescatarian which means he doesn't eat meat but still eats fish! Now if you won't eat cows or chickens then what makes you think you can eat fish! There must be some time of IQ test administered amongst the animal kingdom and those species who score below a seemingly arbitrary benchmark are told "Sorry dude but you are too dumb to not be eaten!" And then they are shown the chopping block and their lives are unsaucaliciously ended!

RIAA annexes your favorite indie labels!
If you are one of those humans, I mean people, who like to steal music and you think your favorite indie labels are down with that then guess again sucker! Guess who just joined the RIAA (a.k.a. the Recording Industry Association Of America which likes to sue your ass)! Well let's see: Epitaph Records, Fat Wreck Chords, Lookout Records, Nitro, BYO, Equal Vision, Kung Fu, Tommy Boy, Absolutely Kosher, Sub City, Ferret, and some other ones that I've never heard of! What this action does is confirm something I've been telling you for a long time now, and that is that this free music thing is fucking over and if you want free music then you'd better be ready to suck some dick in jail for it!

Jade Tree Records is up to something fishy!

From: Dr. Balls
To: jadetree@jadetree.com, press@jadetree.com

Dear Jaded Trees,

I was just sitting around on the toilet minding my own business when all of a sudden it came to my attention that 4 Jade Tree bands [Lifetime, Kid Dynamite, Damnation A.D., and The Promise Ring] just happen to be reuniting at pretty much the same fucking time and basically out of nowhere as if these things happen all the time! But they don't! So I am on to you! I'm sure that by the time I am done with this "reunion-gate" scandal that the deception and deceit and possibly even more deception goes all the way to the top of the Jade Tree corporation, and possibly to its parent corporation, the Haliburton Company!

I'm going to be uncovering this scandal at the world famous Dr. Balls Underground Music Review blog where homies come to get their minds literally raped open just for the fun of it while I dance around to the sound of the drums of the apocalypse!

- Dr. Balls

We have a winner for Ugliest Band Of The Year!

2005-08-04T21:10:00.000-05:00

Totally distressing dude! I was watching Rock Star: INXS on tv and this is the show where the remaining INXSers hold some kind of contest to find someone who can replace their original singer who died while engaging in autoerotic asphyxiation (a.k.a. strangling yourself while giving yourself a jerk off - totally unsaucalicious!) and anyway something happened as I watched this while sitting in my lazy-boy recliner and it totally made me pinch a loaf into the bucket I have built into seat so that I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom while I watch reality tv and porn and stuff!

So anyway Dave Navarro (a.k.a. woman-man) hosts that show and he says the following to a male contestant in a very excited manner: "You're the only guy I know who looks great in a white belt!"

Now niggas, white belts are my thing! I look great in them! And Dave Navarro knows me! He has seen me in my white belt before!

So I don't know! Am I trippin! Is there something I am supposed to know! If you were to eat shit, what would your farts smell like!

Shocking discovery! Anti-Flag makes remark about burning London to the ground only several days before the 7/7 bombings in London!
You see, it all started when I was sitting in the sanctuary of my royal bath when all of a sudden the Anti-Flag website came flying out of nowhere and hit me in the face! The band posted a new tour journal and I love those! I actually do because Anti-Flag is one of the few bands who can go out on tour and not cry like little whiney metrosexuals about stupid shit like someone's girlfriend didn't email him that day or his best friend said something offensive in his myspace.com comments!

So anyway if you recall, on July 7th several suicide bombs exploded in London (as Conor Oberst described it, it was "super fucked up"). Just 8 days earlier, Justin Sane of Anti-Flag was in London and wrote in his tour diary:

"As a child I recall my Irish father noting that these incredible structures [in London] were built upon the backs of the poor and conquered people’s around the world. His rant always ended with the equivalent of, 'If it were up to me I’d burn them to the fucking ground.' Considering the neo liberal policy of corporate whores such as Blair, Bush, and the rest of the world’s ruling class, my father’s words, while admittedly harsh, strike me as true as ever."

I was like, no way nigga! How would he know that only 8 days later someone would actually try to do that! Oh yeah, and then more people tried again 2 weeks later!

Now I know what you're thinking: Did Anti-Flag do it? Were they involved in the bombings? Fuck no! Let us make a distinction here! You don't need to worry about this niggas! Anti-Flag is much more closer to Betty White than Jello Biafra on the sanity scale!

Rock band wants you to steal their music
Carbon Silicon, saucaliciously comprised of aging punkers from The Clash and Generation X, have made it public that they want people to download their music for free. Nice! Do that shit! Everyone tongues free shit! One of the guys in this band of brothas said, "It's just like you did when you were young, when you made a cassette of your favourite tracks you'd love, and would give it to a friend and say 'listen to this.'" But the problem with that is that people aren't making cassettes! This shit is digital baby! These kids can download like several songs a minute and expose their library of thousands of mp3s for anyone in the world to download! Resources are unlimited and the whole process is so much more milfing efficient! A.k.a. your band don't get paid, a.k.a. you've just given your bank account a blowjob!

Update on Dr. Balls album!
Yes the rumors are true that an album by Dr. Balls is in the works, baby! Don't believe any speculation that it is some kind of sick and twisted joke! The shit is going to drop! An associate of mine and I have created our own record label and we will release my album which is 2 CDs plus a bonus CD with enhanced content, and soon a DVD! This is the shit! This is the kind of stuff you want to stick in your vagina and make you pregnant!

2005-07-12T17:47:00.000-05:00

Oh crap now that you are here for case that you can make fun of me behind my back and wish for a fucking jihad against me! I bet you would think it were funny if several methaphorical muslim jihadists suicide bombed my fucking soul! Haters pose a major threat to the economic lifeline that connects my wallet to my built-in strap-on vagina spelunker that knows no fear and can automatically hone in on the average milf!

CKY prove manhood by throwing tantrum over bad review from Rolling Stone
A bad review from Rolling Stone usually means nothing, except when it gives a 1/5 star review calling it "mind-numbing stoner metal" and actually using the term "Ex-squeeze me?" in the review! I fucking loved it! But CKY didn't! They retaliated by saying "If Rolling Stone was ever a credible music magazine, it certainly no longer is. They actually paid some woman that calls herself Jenny Eliscu money to write a review of our new album that isn't even suitable for inclusion in a free high-school fanzine..." As if she "calls" herself that name! That is her name nigga!

They go on to defend their defensiveness by claiming that it was some sort of non-objective review and it was based on the reputation that CKY fans have for having the opposite of sex over the last bad review RS gave to CKY! But the lady did offer up some old fashion non-dick-sucking criticism using such words as "mind-numbing", "repetitive" and "overwrought"! And I don't doubt her for one second of the hopeless soon-to-be-ending world!

Why musicians are idiots
There is a theme throughout many of these saucy proses with which you absorb into your frugal mind! And that theme has to do with how musicians and other celebrities are constantly giving their common sense a bunch of blowjobs! Yet you young and impressionable and sometimes fucking sexy people treat these freaks like they are making you horny!

And there is nothing better to exemplify this shit than 2 new stories that, if you are the same as me, then they will make you hone your own milf detector? First of all Conor Oberst is back off the wagon and drinking straight from the whiskey bottle and most likely straight out of the jungles of Colombia! Whitey done got himselves some straight up problem called "never sober" that is keeping him from playing gigs! Pretty much exactly what I am talking about is how he recently couldn't play some festival in Ireland because he was too wasted! And even when he does play live he opens his mouth and says something hilarious like insulting dead rock icons or insulting an entire audience because they live in Texas! And just recently Say Anything had to cancel the rest of their tour because singer Max "Lobster" Bemis had a full on mental break down and had to go to a hospital for a couple of weeks!

Now imagine if this were the freaking real world, like maybe for example they had jobs at the world renowned Sack Institute of which I am formerly employed! How do you think this kind of behavior would be tolerated, even by such pussies as Dr. Steuben (whose wife's holes will never be the same again, much to my satisfaction and his utter embarassment)! The thing is shit like this can never fly in the real world! But there are just crazy fucking people out there who are not quite fucked enough to become a terrorist but just enough to get that crazy fucking look in their eye like you know what I'm talking about!

So it is no wonder that fucking crazy people flock to the music business because they can get away with being total wastes of their mother's tireless effort to give birth to them! Without the biz they would be totally homeless! Or they will live eternally on unemployment and welfare subsidized by your tax money! Either way they are getting your money and spending most of it on getting wasted! And then Dr. Balls takes mad advantage of their vulnerable condition by having them videotaped doing things they wouldn't normally do with other people's holes!

It is ok if Dr. Balls says the word nigga, aight!
Some people had better start to stop getting theirselves all bent out of shape like microwaved plates! I'm fucking not kidding here! No one is allowed to recuse theirselves, whether it be your mom or Maddox or something, because I drop the N word like I had digested it or something! Truth be told that I was given permission to use it by a black person! Pretty fucking spectacular I tell you! Black people love Dr. Balls like I was fried or something!

Green Day fails to impress punk icon
The farts just keep on coming! This time the air is saturated with the stench of the Buzzcock's guitarist dissing his number one fans: the boys in Green Day! (I call them boys because this is not what you think of when you think of men, baby!) Steve "Dirty Gomez" Diggle met Green Day and afterwards said, "I didn't have a clue who they were. And they're not punks." Probably because they wear fucking make up!

Dr. Balls did it again! Feel free to write about it in your livejournals! The fucking tits just took place! Dr. Balls is changing the way things are done! Nothing is done like this! The fucking planet will always reel from the consequences! Now top that, Jesus!

2005-07-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

Conor Oberst offends British people with onstage drunken ramblings!
I have to hand it to my boy Conor Oberst for giving me the reasons for having this damn yeah website for that ass! This kid cracks me up! He was up there on the John Peel Stage in front of pretentious music biz person types who think they are putting together some sort of "Make Poverty History" concert but instead it is some abomination of the fucking soul from holy hell!

So Conor gives it to them straight! He is up on stage all droned and shit and he says "What am I doing? Making poverty history, that's what kids... This next song is definitely going to make poverty history. Poverty – you're fucked!" It is fucked! When I read that I immediately stopped jerking off and laughed so hard that it made my seventh horn of the apocalypse jealous!

The problem was that he also sexually assaulted the memory of legendary producer and recently deceased John Peel! So Conner says "John Peel was a cokehead. I suppose that's why I like him. We have a lot in common" and all those pasty british faces fell silent! My boy was wasted though! He didn't even remember it the next day! He released some saucalicious statement and in it he said "I truly don’t remember much of the show but have been informed since of what I said and it was way out of line and far from my real feelings." Yes baby! Can you feel that like I do! I know you can, it feels good! It feels like the exact opposite of being killed!

In an incredible flurry of creativity, Dr. Balls writes 12 new songs!
Word on the fucking strizeets has been about yours truly, Dr. Balls, fulfilling nearly everyone's fantasy and entering the music business as a recording artist! I was so pumped after writing about the tracklist of the cd in my last post that I immediately afterwards went back to the recording studio (a.k.a. my top secret bunker deep beneath Dr. Balls' seductive mansion) and then I wrote and recorded 12 new songs!

A.k.a. this means that my album, to be titled 9/11 Sucked, But This Fucking Rules, will have to be a double cd! And then maybe I will release 2 extra cds of enhanced materials just like all of your other favorite bands do! Because I know that you always check out that shit! We all really love bonus enhanced cds and we watch all the stupid boring videos we find on them!
So anyway here is the tracklisting to cd 2!:

1. You're Gonna Need To Open Wider Than That
2. Inspired By The :
3. I'm In Love With That Milf
4. You Suck At Sucking
5. On The Wings Of Love duet with Macy Gray
6. Darth Vagina
7. I Want To Be In An Indie Rock Band (So I Can Be Poor)
8. Shoe
9. Cume Without The 'e' (Cumulated From The Team)
10. I'll Do Anything Once, But Not A Pussy That Looks Like That
11. The Day Mr. Fingers' Stupid Father Died
12. The Night I Fucked Mr. Fingers' Wife (Four Fingered Acoustic Remix)

People still trying to save CBGB's
CBGB's is fucking in the tank and practically need to suck dick for rent money, so how is this We Are The World stuff going to save the old dinosaur! They haven't been able to pay their rent for 3 years! Then they complain that their heat is turned off. That shit isn't fucking free dudes! Sorry your mom never taught you that! Oh shit! Hang your head in shame boys, because Dr. Balls is your new daddy! If you only knew how good that fucking made me feel!

2005-06-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

More info on Dr. Balls painfully epic new musical endeavor!
The world is abuzz with news of Dr. Balls entering the world of musical recording! Who doesn't want to hear Dr. Balls do his shit on the mic like you're really so smart that you don't need to be schooled like you're some bedwetting teenage loner who needs her diaper changed! People don't need that! So here is the tracklisting to my album, titled 9/11 Sucked, But This Fucking Rules!:
1. The Blowjob Blues
2. It's Raining Milfs
3. Oops The Condom Broke, Have A Nice Life!
4. Your Vagina Smells Like Throw Up
5. George Bush Wants Me Dead ('Cause I Stole His Oil)
6. C.U.M. (You're Gonna Need A Towel)
7. Oh My Beautiful Fartface
8. Welcome To The "Dr. Balls Cummed On Me" Club
9. The Night I Fucked Mr. Fingers' Wife
10. Nice Cross, Jesus
Bonus Track. The Night I Farted While Having An Orgasm (Coincidentally The Same Night That I Fucked Mr. Fingers' Wife)

Let me just tell you what it feels like to make this album! It was like totally freaking powerful feeling dude!

NOFX censored by fascist Bush-style Canadian government!
You would think Dubya and his oil buddies would have had it in for those out of shape punkers by now, but the Canucks beat him to it! They were like "You can't play that song 'Kill All The White Man' on the radio" even though the song is performed by white guys! I thought Dubya's Jesusland was the fascist country! I bet this is just Karl Rove a.k.a. the human puppet master pulling strings behind the scenes as retribution for what NOFX and Punkvoter did to Bush's ego in the last election! Niggas is unhinged!

Alien rock band to reform!

Has anyone else noticed Kevin "Knight Rider" Carson from thescout.net lurking around the absolutepunk.net forums, anonymously dropping sauce licking rumors for the masses? Nigga is on the major trip! He is the record label whore and boy do those dicks get sucked!

2005-06-15T14:39:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls applies to be buddyhead.com's sex advice expert!
On buddyhead.com's gossip page they are pretty much begging for someone to be their sex advice columnist ever since one of their metrosexual friends named Marko quit the gig! They posted an open invitation that invites everyone to apply for the job by responding to a couple of questions that were supposedly submitted by devout buddyheaders in need of free sex advice with a 6 month response turn around time!

So Dr. Balls did what any one of you would do: Apply for the job! Below is the email I sent to them! In it I introduce myself, post the test questions, and answer them while simultaneously providing the best advice anyone could ever give because you know this shit is straight from the fucking heart and stuff!

From: Dr. Balls
To: Buddyhead@buddyhead.com

Hey Travis I'm writing because you asked me! Well here it goes, my crap came out pretty fucking awesome! And now that I lost my job I can spend a lot of time solving these pathetic people's problems like, sorry dude, but the curved cock ain't gonna cut it!

-----------------

Dear Marko,
I am a very flexible chick, and I've been into contortionism for as long as I can remember. A few months back, I discovered I could reach my head in between my legs and give myself oral sex. I enjoy it so much that I've been doing it twice a day. Do you think this is normal? Should I stop? I'm kind of ashamed, but I like it soo much!!! It's better than any guy I've ever had eat me out. Please help!!!!
Amy

That is so fucking awesome! When you stick your face in your vagina the entire human race has just taken some kind of crazy step forward in evolution! Holy shit baby! And if you really want to stop tasting your taco then I recommend you talk to me because I have this posse I put together called the Dr. Balls Gangbang Posse and we take care of problems like this because it will be very hard to get your mouth down there while those dudes are nailing it like Jesus being nailed to the cross!
- Dr. Balls

Marko,
Ok, this is an embarrassing one. I am 19, and have had sex a few times, but recently I have become terrified of having sex. No, its not the Poonany Monster or that Green Vaginal Discharge you were speaking of earlier that has me shaking in my Trojans, no, it is something far, far more threatening, the beast to which I am referring is the one they call Over-sensitive Penis. I am what you'd call a "2 pump Louie", and damn does that ever suck. It has been this way ever since I became sexually active, in about the tenth grade and I always thought it would go away when I got older, but it hasn't (when I first started having sex, I used to bust, then keep going, until I went a second time without ever stopping, this was working just fine until I found out that condoms were meant for 1 load, and that this was a bad bad idea.).

But anyway, I'm in college now and afraid to have sex because I've got no stamina to speak of. Even dry humping will make me spooge, and there is nothing more embarrassing than the telltale matching wet spots on both pairs of pants. So is there any way to increase my stamina? Oh yeah, and its not because I don't masturbate enough, 'cause boy do I masturbate! Well, get back to me on this one. thanks a lot, hugs & kisses.

PS. I found a tube of desensitizing lube in my dads drawer, is this shit hereditary?
2 pump louie

It is because you haven't been done up the ass yet. It is a special secret that we keep from you! When I say 'we' I mean those of us who don't have this problem! It's because we have all been done up the ass! It is a secret because we don't like admitting what we had to go through, but trust me it fucking works! Go ahead, try it dude!
- Dr. Balls

Marko,
Ok here’s the deal. My girlfriend and I were partaking in a night of sexual pleasures and you know, sometimes it gets pretty crazy. Well she was on top and, she went up a little too far (I guess she didn’t realize my cock isn’t a foot high). Well when she came down things didn’t line up. When she came down I felt something pop and tremendous pain. So I waited a few seconds and everything was fine so we finished the deed and laid back to enjoy ourselves then when I turned on the light I realized blood...all over. On me, on her and on the sheets. Then when I peed a blood clot came out and then everything looked fine... Now here’s the question. Do you think everything is fine down there? Should I get it checked out?
Brad

No I think you're pretty much fine! It was only a popping nose followed by tremendous pain and a lot of blood! I wouldn't bother the hospital or a professional doctor with such trivial crap! Also I'm sorry to hear that your cock isn't a foot high! Most people's cocks are! Yours must be really small! Ha ha sucks for you dude!
- Dr. Balls

Dear Marko,
What causes a curved cock and is it possible to uncurve it. thanks.
-Stephane Lou

No problem dude! You just need to find a woman with a curved vagina!
- Dr. Balls

Dr. Balls
c/o The Sack Institute

2005-06-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

You know that's fucking impossible dude because I would never spray it that way! I am not here to insult the golden cow you keep at the front of your mind! The world is not trifled to your constant need to be done up the heiney hole! Things do not expect themselves to be that way! I can name you a thousand times when I didn't have to pray to get my way! It isn't enough just because your girlfriend broke up with you and now you think you are the juxtaposition of the universe with all this interconnecting nostalgia shit! And I never warned you that Say Anything would be the next New Found Glory! That just wasn't in the cards! I can however say with extreme confidence and prejudice that doing the 80s over again or associating yourself with it would drag you down into a pit of hell where things pretty much suck all the time! Just ask yourself where you would rather be: In the sinking quagmire of tonight or in the loving bosom of Dr. Balls who is puffing a fucking bone from high atop his perch on the new Dr. Balls fortress of solitude in the middle of the dunes directly outside of Antarctica City, Antarctica where crazy shit like milfalicious craziness sauce happens and no one talks about it afterwards but never forgets about it! That's how we play the puss around here and we don't freak it out with the veiny hole widener!

2005-06-08T16:58:00.000-05:00

Give it to me baby, orphan style! Don't make me stop, or something like murder might happen to your ass! Dr. Balls is representing the AC (Antarctica City)! Just because I have moved out to the dunes doesn't mean I have lost da flavor! That's right, the dunes baby! Where the action happens! And I just so happen to be there now! Nice, right?

Dr. Balls to become a musical artist! An album by Dr. Balls coming to your sh-iz-elves pretty fucking soon!
It was totally inevitable! I always knew that one day I would break out of my mold as Dr. Balls the best ballsologist in the world and become Dr. Balls the best rock star to ever get up on that mic and verbally cum all over it!

For the past several weeks I have been shacked up in a recording studio in downtown Antarctica City and laying down some tracks with producer Ruff Bone and this shit is no less than the fucking joint! The recordings are locked up tight so don't think you can be breaking into or hack into something like you're some kind of socialist and you think you can just steal it from me! I say yeah right nigga!

But I can tell you that the album will be titled 9/11 Sucked But This Fucking Rules! and will include songs like "The Blowjob Blues", "Oh My Beautiful Fartface", "Oops the condom broke. Have a nice life!", "George Bush Wants Me Dead (Because I Stole His Oil)", and "C.U.M. (You're Gonna Need A Towel)" and much more, baby!

I bet you can't wait to hear this shit and neither can I! I mean, I can hear it if I want but I can't wait to actually hear it when it comes out! This is why I laid down these tracks! It wasn't like I didn't want to explode onto the scene and get you all freaked out!

The new Starting Line album is fucking lame
I thought I would be the first to tell you since everyone else is dribbling like babies all over this crap!

The suckage is a direct result of the fact that 1/3 of the songs are about "the industry"! You know, the music industry! As a fan, do you care about the industry? Do you care what it feels like to be in a band and have random kids ask you for your photograph? The next time you are swinging at a Starting Line concert will you be singing along to a powerful balled with such lines as "We're to continue singing these ones / To the same demographic ... Let it be heard by those taking an interest / Not for the critics holding their ears"? Oh yea deep stuff! You can connect to that, right!

Remember those 2 or 3 Bright Eyes albums released earlier this year? When they first came out were you like "Wow good stuff yummy lips"? Did you go so far as to let the sauces dribble down your chin, even if just metaphorically? Well what about now, 4 months later? Because those albums were pretty much both about being someone who moves from Nebraska to New York City and is hanging out with a bunch of arsty fartsy actors and doing lots of drugs! Now that is something we can all relate to yes! That's exactly why all the music critics liked it but most people are not music critics because they don't care to impose their opinion on other people! So at first maybe you liked those albums but what about a few weeks later when those lyrics starting jumping out of the songs and donkey punching you!

To weave this yarn is only for the purpose of pointing out to you a larger problem that is happening and threatens the reproductive organs of your music scene! This writing-songs-confessing-my-woes-about-what-it's-like-to-be-in-a-band thing may be becoming a trend, so watch out nigga! I've heard of these kinds of occurences occuring a lot more times lately and frankly it ruins my boner!

Don't say I didn't warn you, because I did! And if you say I didn't then it will be end of the world time for you and I won't even care if you are a black person!

Chris #2 of Anti-Flag arrested for murder (I think)!
I fucking swear to god that there is this thing in the news about some crazy fucking dude who shows up at the Candian border to the US and he is carrying a chainsaw and covered in blood, like nice try dude! But of course the stupid Americans let the dude into the country anyway! It wasn't until he got to Massachewsits when someone finally said "Hey we should arrest that guy!"

This is what the dude looks like!

And this is what Chris #2 of Anti-Flag looks like!

I mean, I really don't know! It is going to take the cunning of an Asian to figure this one out!

Vote for the sexiest vegan! Dozens of emaciated looking androgynists vying for your attention!

2005-05-21T20:48:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls applies to be buddyhead.com's sex advice expert!
On buddyhead.com's gossip page they are pretty much begging for someone to be their sex advice columnist ever since one of their metrosexual friends named Marko quit the gig! They posted an open invitation that invites everyone to apply for the job by responding to a couple of questions that were supposedly submitted by devout buddyheaders in need of free sex advice with a 6 month response turn around time!

So Dr. Balls did what any one of you would do: Apply for the job! Below is the email I sent to them! In it I introduce myself, post the test questions, and answer them while simultaneously providing the best advice anyone could ever give because you know this shit is straight from the fucking heart and stuff!

From: Dr. Balls
To: Buddyhead@buddyhead.com

Hey Travis I'm writing because you asked me! Well here it goes, my crap came out pretty fucking awesome! And now that I lost my job I can spend a lot of time solving these pathetic people's problems like, sorry dude, but the curved cock ain't gonna cut it!

-----------------

Dear Marko,
I am a very flexible chick, and I've been into contortionism for as long as I can remember. A few months back, I discovered I could reach my head in between my legs and give myself oral sex. I enjoy it so much that I've been doing it twice a day. Do you think this is normal? Should I stop? I'm kind of ashamed, but I like it soo much!!! It's better than any guy I've ever had eat me out. Please help!!!!
Amy

That is so fucking awesome! When you stick your face in your vagina the entire human race has just taken some kind of crazy step forward in evolution! Holy shit baby! And if you really want to stop tasting your taco then I recommend you talk to me because I have this posse I put together called the Dr. Balls Gangbang Posse and we take care of problems like this because it will be very hard to get your mouth down there while those dudes are nailing it like Jesus being nailed to the cross!
- Dr. Balls

Marko,
Ok, this is an embarrassing one. I am 19, and have had sex a few times, but recently I have become terrified of having sex. No, its not the Poonany Monster or that Green Vaginal Discharge you were speaking of earlier that has me shaking in my Trojans, no, it is something far, far more threatening, the beast to which I am referring is the one they call Over-sensitive Penis. I am what you'd call a "2 pump Louie", and damn does that ever suck. It has been this way ever since I became sexually active, in about the tenth grade and I always thought it would go away when I got older, but it hasn't (when I first started having sex, I used to buyle="color:#33ccff;">we reached there , we play play play
then my sis called mi
tellin mi to go home laioz
so i go home.

THE END

going out wif ur frens is realli veri fun.

signing out,

sinyi *enjoiyng the fun

Abut vanessa aso neeed to tell her mum
so she called using weijie's hp
then can!
then when we wan to take 198,
i n weijie topped up our cards
then we go
we reached there , we play play play
then my sis called mi
tellin mi to go home laioz
so i go home.

THE END

going out wif ur frens is realli veri fun.

signing out,

sinyi *enjoiyng the fun

2005-05-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

EXCLUSIVE: Rioting ensues in response to controversial Dr. Balls flushing new Fall Out Boy album down the toilet!
In a story seemingly ripped from a recent headline, an anonymous source trips up Dr. Balls for flushing the new Fall Out Boy album down the toilet! Thousands of emo-boppers and absolutepunknewscorescene.net'ers have rioted in response to this sacreligious fornicatery! It turns out that any desecration of Fall Out Boy (whether verbal, facial, or fecal) is a violation of some holy statute a.k.a. they must have a really big street team! I always wanted to be part of some band's street team, so that I can do the job of a band promoter, except for fucking free!

Anti-Flag achieves what all previous punk bands have failed at: success!
Incredible like 5 laser watts going through your eyeballs from the God that hates you! Now before you get your boner uncancelled and start sending me electronic blowjobs of hate because Green Day, The Offspring, Good Charlotte, etsettera have already beaten Anti-Flag to the gold then just wait a fucking mega-second! First of all I am talking about punk bands, and by those words I mean real fucking punk as in how it originally sounded and felt!

Third of all Anti-Flag is the fucking first of all of those whiney the-world-owes-me-but-I-hate-the-world old school punk types to realize that it is better to actually want more people to listen to their music! You know, instead of bitching about "the mainstream" and hating everyone who is not brave enough to spike their hair and dress like shit! That is why none of those old school punks will be remembered by the next generation. Unless someone Googles the origin of punk then they will be kind of like pretty much without any knowledge of many of punk's pioneers who overlooked the fact that a fashion (which by the way has still refused to recognize itself as such) which purposely tried to repel people (via vulgarity, dress, smell, and attitude) could never afford to sustain itself and avoid falling into the sad lonely pit of obscurity where pretty crazy shit happens usually!

Of course it makes much more sense to spread your message, if punk was supposed to have one! If you truly believe in your message, or in the music, wouldn't you not want to not fucking not spread it nigga! If you think the mainstream sucks then you try to make it better! And if you believe that George Dubya Bush is the architect behind a decades long conspiracy in which thousands of people scheme to take over all institutions of government and media in a silent coup which must have involved some sort of mind control device, then fucking tell the world! Sweet Jesus with his hat on!

Exclusive new compilation coming soon from Dr. Balls:
Listen To Jacob Dylan (Because He's Saucalicious)
You know about this new lubefest from Drive Thru Records that is coming out that is going to be called Listen To Bob Dylan (Because He's Cool) which is a bunch of your white boy bands covering songs by the man who Conor Oberst is trying so hard to be!

Now Dr. Balls is jumping on the bandwagon with a new compilation called "Listen To Jacob Dylan (Because He's Saucalicious)"! For those of you not in the know, Jacob Dylan is Bob Dylan's son and ignominious frontman of The Wallflowers! Look for it soon! It will be on the shelf! Not in the dollar bin with the other Wallflowers albums!

Dr. Balls's love for urbandictionary.com has unintended consequences!
One of the things that has made me feel really good is that anyone can Google "saucalicious" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky and end up at this web site with deeznutz in they mouf! Well not anymore! A Feeling Lucky on that word brings you to the urbandictionary page devoted to its definition, contributed by none other than yours truly! It fucking sucks! First I lost my job at the Sack Institute, and now this! If I could I would suck up this giant fart and blow it back into the world's ass!

2005-05-11T20:51:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate this sucking life so much! If life were a flavor of ice cream it would be Hitler's fudge faced smack of indecency with walnuts! The Sack Institute may diss me, but yours truly will get the revenge that is so deserved that even Jesus will want to do his 2nd coming thing a little early just to get a piece of the action himself! And you don't want to fuck with Jesus because he can create vicious storms with just a wink of his holy eye!

Das ist nicht das Leben! Ich bestellte dieses Leben nicht, und das ist sicher nicht großartig!

Death Cab For Cutie document their wild tour on DVD!
Some film director is on tour with the Death Cabs and he is putting together a film of this wild and crazy tour that I have dubbed "Death Cab For Cutie's All Out Hedonistic Binge No Holds Barred And All Holes Filled Tour"! Actually he is more like embedded with the band! Almost like Iraq if Coldplay had invaded it for its saucalicious oil instead of the US! So anyway I have exclusive access to what you might find in this film (that is, if you want to call it a film and not a study in reckless abandon!)!:

* Death Cab groupies are seen on board the Death Cab tour bus hanging out with the band, doing homework. Ben Gibbard is seen helping a girl understand her calculus lesson.

* In tense backstage drama, Nick Harmer and Ben Gibbard explode into disagreement over the role of causality in quantum physics. Nick castigates Ben by saying, "It is not the interaction of electrons but rather the observation thereof!" Ben replies, "You have totally misread my hypothesis! What I'm saying is that you cannot impose these classic macroscopic ideas on the sub-atomic world!" as onlookers gaze in silence with jaws dropped

* The Death Cabs get wicked drunk then get crazy by watching Star Trek and talking in German

* Exclusive footage of Death Cab's incredible tour finale show in which the band rocked out their shoegazing songs backdropped by blasting fireworks while Jason McGerr drums upside suspended above the crowd in an awe-provoking display

punkvoter.com simultaneously for and against military draft!
I know what you're thinking dawg, has Dr. Balls fucking lost it? Yes! I mean No! You know how I liked to keep up with the military draft rumors especially back during that fucking crappy election season of 2004! Remember those days! Thank god those days are over and Bush can go back to stealing brown people's oil!

Well remember how punkvoter and Anti-Flag were really worried about the draft coming back? I mean, you know the draft would be totally unsaucalicious! But you shouldn't have to worry about the draft unless there are not enough volunteer service members! Unless Dubya wants to draft away all of the black people, you never know!

Now fast forward to 2005, baby! The people who used to protest wars now protest military recruiters! The goal is to basically keep recruiters from recruiting anybody! Punkvoter dubbed this concept counter-recruitment, a.k.a. an effort to combat the "baby-killing jarheads"!

Now that you know all of this, check out this recent punkvoter article linked above which exfoliates the following:

Things aren't looking quite so rosy for the war machine, here's a couple quotes from recruiters that were interviewed for the [New York Times] article: "The problem is that no one wants to join," the recruiter said.

It's true! These recruiters are only meeting something like 75% of their recruitment goals! And punkvoter is celebrating this! But what do you think this is going to lead to! That's right, the military is going to pwn you! Rumsfeld will personally come to your house which smells like cooked cabbage anyway and he'll laugh and say "Pwned!" And you will know who to thank for it! Histrionics baby!

Dr. Balls exhumes old diary entry from those famed Sack Institute days
Now that my life has pretty much been raped apart by those forces seeking to undo me I have been resorting to reviewing my diaries to relive the days when the Sack Institute used to embrace me and my visionary ways! So I thought I would share with you this one spectacular memory of mine in hopes that it will cause the bad stupid crap to recoil and surrender via beef sandwich!

September, 1981: Today oh glorious rubbing it up and down me day all day I yield nothing to the unsodomite ways of the feathered goat! In other words, The Sack Institute has given me the green light to set up shop in their totally bread establishment! In other words, The Sack Institute has hired me!

Not even pornographic images can describe the feeling of fancy deep down as if no bad trip has ever been laid on me before ever! So from now on, this day, September the 11th, will live on in infamy as the greatest day ever on this planet and shall be celebrated for generations to come!

Taking Back Sunday back from outer space
Welcome the Taking Back Sunday boys back home from outer space because that is obviously what has happened to them!

Dr. Balls makes more generous contributions to urbandictionary
unsaucalicious: Uncool; Unhip; Not desired; Boner-cancelling
The holocaust was totally unsaucalicious!

haliburton: Something that is so fiendish that it will concoct a scheme to bribe a nation's presiding leader into invading a Middle Eastern nation simply so it can get some reconstruction contracts
That prostitute has been so haliburton ever since she started menstruating!

talk to: Synonym for fuck
I want to talk to you

2005-05-09T14:35:00.000-05:00

For my niggiz in the Antarctica City area: Yours truly (a.k.a. Dr. Balls) will be on WMLF at 8 of the clock Post-Meridian to discuss my firing from The Sack Insitute, so tune your ears in to the sauce!

2005-05-05T20:32:00.000-05:00

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM DR. BALLS CONCERNING NEW 'STEUBEN-GATE' SCANDAL
For those 0f you who may have heard, your favorite hero Dr. Balls was fucking fired from the Sack Institute! Here is the official statement that I have submitted to various newspapers:

To all friends and also friends I have yet to meet:

A very disasterous rumor has been unleashed upon the internet by a formerly employed subordinate of mine. His name is Mr. Fingers and he has a blog in which he rains down profranity-laced posts counting down the things he hates about me. His blog's contents are dedicated to no one except me. Most of his diatribe consists of extremely exaggerated versions of events and most of it is about stuff that he just needs to get over and move.

In a final attempt at blaspheming the Dr. Balls brand, Mr. Fingers told my boss, Dr. Steuben, that his wife once had relations with yours truly that can neither be described as 'making love' or 'getting it on' but something more like 'breaking her in like Steuben's stubby never ever could before and then laughing about it'!

On Monday May 2, forever on to be known as Curse of the Monkey day, Dr. Steuben approached yours truly in a mono-e-mono closed chambers kind of setting and I was asked to confirm or deny this charge. My inability to deny that most memorable incident has thus led to my removal from the staff at the Sack Institute.

As of May 2, 2005 the Sack Institute no longer recognizes me as an employee. This comes as quite a shock to me (a.k.a. the victim) in this so-called incident, as I am the lone emissary among a legion of underachievers at that so-called world renowned organization whose headquarters looks like a giant medieval castle. It is also in spite of the fact that I, Dr. Balls, used to provide much opportunity to my former colleagues who have since ousted me, such opportunity as the chance to dabble in all of their fancies at exclusive events that will go further undescribed!
I, Dr. Balls, am in a transitory state in which I need to re-examine my feelings, thoughts, hopes, wants, and desires over again. This transitory state may last in any length of time, anywhere from several seconds to somewhere up near the eons. How can I possibly know! I prayed for a way, I really did, but my prayers are mopped up by some heavenly cumrag and all of the blessed laugh their halos off at me after having struggled so hard and for so long to be placed in an almighty seat right next to the best magician who ever lived: Jesus!
Happy end of the world,
Dr. Balls

Dr. Balls adds words to urbandictionary
saucalicious: Incredible, in a saucy way
That MILF is saucalicious!

milfy: Having the characteristics of a MILF.
Mmmm, Bea Arthur is so milfy...

milfiest: Something that is the most milfy; Having the characteristics of a MILF such that it stands above all other MILFs.
That porn is the milfiest I have ever seen, so much so that I didn't even have to use lotion!

milfed: Had sex with a MILF.
Hey dude, look over here! This naked MILF you see before you is totally getting banged by me and my sausage! I'm totally getting milfed!

2005-05-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

EVIDENTLY IT IS NOT MY LACK OF FORTITUDE THAT HAS NOT BROUGHT THIS DOWN UPON US. IF THERE WAS NEVER ANY CONDUCT PORTRAYED AS A TINY SLICE OF MY MIND BOX OR THAT WHICH REMAINS IT HAS SINCE NOT BECOME DESIRED FODDER IN THIS WICKED FIRE THAT CONSUMES AND VAULTS ITS EVIL TWIN COUSIN 'RESPECT' INTO THE COURTYARD OF DOOM A.K.A. THE HEAVEN YOU DID NOT EXPECT!

And this, my lied-to friends, is the heaven you did not expect, where no matter how many times that the awesome god-being shows you truly glorious visions of the end of the world, he still lets the world spit in your fucking face like it has owed all of this time to use its own juices to bring upon the ruin of perhaps the greatest visionary of all time, a.k.a. the one and only yours truly! Just when you think you got the world giving you a greasy rub down, turns out that simultaneously it was pork jabbing you in the place where some grown men like to stick their penises into!

If you don't know what in the name of almighty Haliburton that I am talking about then go and waste your time at Mr. Fingers's blog where you will get a pretty good idea of what I'm getting at!

So not only did he tell the world about what I did to the wifey of Dr. Steuben (a.k.a. my boss) but he also did what he had threatened to do: email Steubster himself and deliver the word to him directly, all in order to give me crocodile tears! So what do you think Steuben did with that information once he got it! Of course he solidified it and stuck it up his ass!

Now that Dr. Balls's prospects have been eliminated how many of you will step in to support yours truly in the fucking most incredible challenge ever! Or is old Dr. Balls only here to give you something that you can pretend like you're not jerking off to!

So take your stupid crappy music and stick it up the fucking can! I'm sick and tired of your bands constantly giving their images blowjobs and then act like there is nothing wrong with dressing like a fucking he-girl and wearing eye makeup and literally screaming and crying about some friend who acted like a jerk once!

You are all going to have to try a lot harder than that to impress me! And it's not about the pussy this time, trust me! It is about something a lot harder than that! And I mean truly immersed in power, and sequestered solely by its will to place permanent and ideally repetitive pain on a certain fat fatherless fuck who cannot blog nor accept the fact that his wife was, for one night, treated like the piece of garbage that she is for wedding the man who truly deserves no more than the absolute worst piece of garbage as a wife! Now take that and plant it on your father's grave!

(What follows below is what was originally written for this post before what was formerly elevated with power and stamina is now suffering from cancellation of the boner and cannot bring itself to look at even the milfiest of porns, figuratively speaking!)

Shocker! Chemical Romance create video game about singer's dead grandmother!
Imagine that you are a dead old woman. Now imagine that 2 of your grandsons are in a screamo band whose members wear eye make up and wrote a song 'Helena' about you (your name is Elena). Then on their website they put up a game called Helena with a character of the same name ("You are Helena and...unfortunatley...you are already dead"). Helena the character must shoot zombies to advance to each next level, being carried by pall bearers with skeleton faces!

Now tell me that you wouldn't also like to blow the seventh horn of the apocalypse too, just to see what it tastes like!

absolutepunk.net staff on path to implosion in 'reviewgate' scandal!
The music news site absolutepunk.net, considered by some to be controversial for their ability to look like hundreds of other music news sites but still draw a larger audience than any other, is undergoing what could almost cause a virtual filibuster of the fucking mind!

It all started when 3 staff members wrote negative reviews of Fall Out Boy's new album. People, you just don't do that on absolutepunk.net! Jason Tate may be white but he'll whup you like he's black!

But it just so happened that Tate was gone all weekend so Jared Kaufman had to run interference and post his own review which was an orgy of praise for Fall Out Boy! It is adequately titled "Jared's Take On The New Fall Out Boy"! Niggas is unhinged!

Then Tate got back and you know that he turned into the wolf right away! He made a post in which he threatens to fire some of his staff! Shit is titled "No Respect. No Class." Ouch! He makes no specific mention of the 'reviewgate' scandal but mentions that "maybe it's time for a little spring cleaning"! Ooh! That's an ouch for every hole!

From then on there has been no more criticism of the new Fall Out Boy by any ap.net staff! Only the good stuff! Only the good juices flow now!

Jimmy Eat World to self-direct worst music video ever
When I hear that a band is going to film their own video all I can do is laugh. I know a good story worth remembering is coming so I effortlessly assume 'pants off' mode.

Oh yeah you know it will feel so saucalicious when the band's love and desire for the cinematography was born out of a single moment of the kind of inspiration most artists would kill for: "...We were just sitting around at the airport in Tokyo, and [bassist] Rick [Burch] started filming me walking around."

2005-04-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

This is the most important website of your great big life, ladies and gentlemen, and I present it to you proudly for your virgin faces to gaze upon! Yes baby, tonight has been pretty powerful! I will have to write about it in my daily journal! I can see it now: I, naked from the waist down, with my most innominable pen writing my wild and simultaneously awesome thoughts in godlike fashion, prancing over each syllable as if it were whispered by the dawn of the apocalypse itself (assuming that the apocalypse is a being with will and is able to morph itself into an entity that can whisper the sound of ultimate awesome death as aforementioned)!

Anti-Flag sign to major label
Anti-Flag is now on da pay roll! It is now time for nothing but the high time and it sizzles! This is the rock star dream and I think they should do what yours truly (Dr. Balls) would do if placed in the same or similar situation: grab the industry by its fucking bull horns and ride it into submission before spreading a layer of glaze a la love sauce upon its average-looking mug, the kind you watched Emeril make in his bathroom in a dream!

Some people describe this situation as ironic because Anti-Flag are usually anti-money, anti-rich, anti-corporate, anti-mainstream, anti-sauce, etc but those people are way wrong baby! There is nothing wrong about success, unless you've never tasted its sweet nectars of delight! And the teeth that gnash the juicy fruit of success belong to the Anti-Flags! What are they supposed to do otherwise? Keep playing the punk ghetto circuit for kids who can barely afford the $12 t-shirts? Don't you think they would rather increase the number of people to buy their album to hear them sing about how much they hate Bush?

With a million dollars the Anti-Flags can fix the office of their record label that got damaged in the Punishment Storm of 2004 (called that because god was punishing Pittsburgh with his almighty wrath)! Don't you remember me talking about it! I noticed that the label, which is run by the band, decided to lay off 3 of their bands! And they weren't given severance pay or anything! How are they going to pay for their fucking health care!

Transplants record song immediately after waking up (I assume)!
It is as if Tim just rolled out of bed and that is on top of his balls-in-the-mouth speech garble that sounds like Billy Idol trying to rap!

If someone would just lift the veil that keeps you from escaping the volcano to which you were banished by the evil Wuuka king and his army of large peniled warrior tribesmen!

Do you want to be rich? Hurry and buy saucalicious.com!
Because I love you so much (much more than any indie elitist website could ever bear upon theirselves) let me share with you how to get rich! All you have to do is buy the domain name saucalicious.com! It is completely unowned right now! Buy those balls now before someone else does! Then in a couple of years when everyone including babies are saying "saucalicious" then you can sell it and you'll be richer than even Anti-Flag!

Dr. Balls needs to remind people of what punk is
Something is not punk just because it is fast! Nor is it punk just because the band plays only 4 chords! Nor is it punk just because that's what the label's fancy band bio author wrote in the goddamn press kit!

2005-04-21T19:37:00.000-05:00

Let's face it baby, there is nothing more boring than a blog! That's why this is not a true blog by common standards! You can actually jerk off to this one!

Freedom is on the march baby! You know what I'm fucking talking about! That which is what I am talking about has to do with the spread of this new disease called 'democracy' amongst the vaginas of some never-heard-of-before countries! Now the latest news is democracy has penetrated the holiest of holes -- The Vatican!

Yes baby, if you absorb any kinds of news at all then you'll know about the elections that are happening in The Vatican! They haven't voted there in almost 20 fucking years! First Afghanistan, then Iraq, then Kyrgzinstmenistan, and possibly Iranistan! Now The Vatican has taken the deep wet plunge!

Welcome to club democracy my fellow Vaticanese brothers and sisters! And transgendered 'things' too! I don't want to be exclusive! Just because you don't know what gender you are despite it being right there on your body for you to see everyday!

DR. BALLS EXCLUSIVE: The Future Of The Music Industry And An Expose On Its Meltdown Into Oblivion, Part 1: The Monkey's Curse
The music industry is the Indians and the internet is the white man come to take its land and decimate the buffalo a.k.a. their primary source of food and animal hide!

People are scared to talk about it but it is the sad fucking truth: the internet can do everything a record label can do except that the artist will be able to rake in a lot more than 20% of the profit!

My brain, Nugget, figured this one out today while I was watching the milfiest porn here in my lucious bathroom! So what does an artist need a record label for? To promote an album? Well now the awesome powers of the internet are available to all artists who can advertise with any one of the thousands of music news sites with blogs constantly updating throughout the day reporting on what songs were played in the fucking background on the OC last night! Or they can advertise on buddyhead.com while simultaneously being made fun of by the metrosexual burnout who writes the gossip column!

Are record labels needed anymore for the package and distribution of cd's? How much longer do you think cd's are going to last, baby! Once an artist uploads that shit to da niggas at iTunes then it's all over your face baby? And they'll get one of their lonely camera buddies to take a snapshot of part of a couch and upload it as the album cover and it stampedes into a jihad of your fucking lame ass soul! If my backspace key was working I would fucking delete that last sentence!

What else is a record label needed for? Why pay a middle man to do all of this fried sauce for you? Soon more bands will begin to realize this fantasy come true and the record labels had better realize that holding on to their former business plan will only lead them into a pit of despair that cancels out any boners within a 50m radius!

It has already begun and I'm sure you are familiar with this phenomenon as it is about how corporate labels' profits are leaking like sieves while hundreds of little "indie" labels have popped up around the place like magic little mushrooms (remember what Dr. Balls has told you about "independant" labels: they are independant of nothing except success)! The indie labels are taking over because you no longer need a huge label to handle these very simple things! Instead the label concentrates on managing the band and its schedule and do all the things that they are too stupid to do themselves! No offense to you musicians! If it weren't for you I wouldn't have anything to listen to while I blaze!

2005-04-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

- Spring 2005 MP3s for your bj face -

Smoke Or Fire - California's Burning

Against Me - Cliche Guevara
Andy Graham & the Moment Band - So Many Girls
Bob Nanna - Secret Santa Cruz (Lifter Puller cover)

Your Black Star - Lousy Smarch Weather

Dropkick Murphys - Pipe Bomb on Lansdowne
the Extra Glenns - Going To Marrakesh
the Frames - Dream Awake
the Shins - Kissing The Lipless

Life doesn't get any better than this! It doesn't even come close to ripping harder than this! That's right people, I'm loaded with power! That is what happens when you drink from the dead prophet's skull! I implore you, take a sip why don't you! Tonight on the menu we have a Wild Cherry Slushy drink in the dead prophet's skull! The prophet would be awesomized, were he in flesh to witness the horror of it all as well as the ability to observe someone drinking from his own skull!

Dr. Balls still rep'sent thescout.net, and free gift for you!
If you can spare a moment of your probably very busy life then I would offer to you a wise choice that you can make for yourself whereby you visit the columns area of thescout.net (which the hostmaster Kevin "Carson" is seeking to eliminate by removing all links to the columns area from the rest of the site via a classic "wither on the vine" strategy).

Once inside this columns area, findest thyself the fucking link to the Dr. Balls column! There you will find something for you! Just a little note and a visual to go along with it! It is because I love you so much, and way more than your future spouses will force themselves to!

While you sour your pusses with the oils of complaint, other people are actually doing something about making a difference!
There are people who get the corners of their mouths all moist over radio stations no longer playing real modern rock like the screamy tight pants stuff you listen to and opting for more radio friendly foreplay, and these people with their moistness will bitch about greedy Clear Channel type stuff creating corporate cookie cutter formats and shutting out the little bands (your bands) because they aren't on the payroll of a company whose CEO gets brainage from some model in his Ferrari on his way to work every morning!

Meanwhile there are people like these guys at the Underground Operations record label who are getting people involved in the fight against the top 40 monopoly by suggesting that fans contact radio and tv stations to express disappointment at the lack of any music by anyone with bangs covering one of their eyes! This will let the stations know that there is a market for these bands who also sometimes use sentences as their names!

That means not boycotting giant media corporations or protesting outside their lavish corporate buildings while you chant scary slogans about how much you hate rich people and some shrill-voiced unfeminine feminist yells slogans through a megaphone at you that you have to repeat, pretty much like an army drill sergeant!

2005-04-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls needs to point out: animals do not have supernatural powers
I know there are all these rumors going around about animals supposedly having incredible secret powers like shoot laser beams from their freaking eye holes and the ability to change weather, but it is just not fucking true! Don't believe these lies of deceit! The air is thick with them and they are real boner-cancelers!

Pope leaves his earthly vessel, becomes first person to join heaven in 140 years; No official statement yet from Mudhoney
Do you think that when you die that you will be entering the kingdom of the god that hates you! Think again! The pope fucking pwns you! The old dude kills tha shit! Do you think you are going to get away with all of the sorry shit you did to make your god totally embarassed of you!

When I learned that the Pope died my twelfth instinct was to recall what Mark Arm of Mudhoney once said about the Pope, something about how he hated the Pope and thought the Pope would go to hell! I read it a long time ago and thought I should save that information into my private storage shack a.k.a. my brain named Nugget! It was in some interview more than a decade ago, way before they were ever known as the last Seattle grunge band in existence!

So I found out Mark Arm's email address from a super secret inside industry source, a.k.a. myself, and I emailed him directly USING MY OWN FINGERS AND EYES and asked him what he thought about the Pope being dead and stuff and if he fucking succumbed to hell! No response yet!

The Weezers need therapist in studio
Reporting from Antarctica City, Antarctica: It has just been learned that seminal pop-punk, or "emo", rockers named The Weezers are having difficulties breaking past their artistic barriers in order to communicate to each other in a way that is not passive-aggressive and/or 'silent-treatment'-ish! And they may have just fucking succeeded at doing so, thanks to a head shrinker who must be helping Rivers Cuomo reach across the great divide between him and his fellow name-unknown bandmates! All he has to do is share! In the meantime I have to get my fucking "Hole-Mania" concert tour straight to your interminable wind-sock, named after the gaping it doth conformeth!

2005-03-27T13:35:00.000-05:00

The black album

There is this one part of a Quadphrinx Tenemount song that if you haven't heard it then you are such a fucking retard!

So get this! It is about that fucking stupid fatherless retard named Mr. Fingers who recently got the whoreslap from his new employer The Hood Institute of Vaginology because they found out about his blog (Mr. Fingers blog)! That is right I heard it from one of my niggas who is in a really good position to know about these things!

Turns out they not only found his blog to be distant, meandering, and pretty much pathetic as would be the life of any of the world's dumbest losers, but they also knowticed some information that was a little too QL (Questionable Legality)! Apparently he was talking about super secret Hood Institute information like how I applied for a job there just so I could possibly run into his wife at the Christmas party and do a little more to her than I did last time but this time with just a couple of her holes!

Dr. Balls says stop trying to save sinking ship CBGB's
There is a campaign to save CBGB's from its impending destruction but if it works, they will have to run another one next year! I know? Not only is CBGB's unable to pay their own $91k debt but their rent will double sometime this year to $40k a month! There will have to be an eternal "Save CBGB's" fundraiser with an unlimited supply of billionaire philanthropists willing to support the immense costs of running a music venue that fails to draw a large and steady enough crowd anymore, but there are a bunch of 40 year old punkers who so saucaliciously need to hold on to the monsters of their memories before they disappear into impending obscurity after having produced no legends who can show that they will even be remembered by the time this century is half over!

2005-03-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

Goldfinger
I'm glad to see that Darrin has risen to the 2nd ranked member of Goldfinger! That's fucking tough for a drummer!

You can tell a band member's status by their nearness to the camera!

In the old Goldfinger lineup Darrin was in the back! Since then there have been lineup changes which created a whole new group of Goldfinger members called 'those members of Goldfinger from the original lineup who are still in the band'! That raises Darrin almost to the top, trumped only by John Feldman because he is the fucking singer!

There is a method to this madness a.k.a. a formula that can determine a band member's fucking status! There is an order that a band has to follow when having their cute little pictures taken! And it goes something like this except with a little extra 'oh yeah' sprinkled on top:

1) lead singer (closest to the front)
2) lead guitarist OR 2nd singer
3) bassist
4) drummer (sometimes barely even visible)

But in this case Darrin's tenure with the band trumps his instrument. However John gets mile high points becarse he is the lead (pronounced leed not led) singer which means automatic double lesbo BJ receiver at every stop on their tour. In the rare case that the lead singer is replaced then all band members get to stand at or roughly the same level. Fucking grand! Unless you are Rage Against The Machine then what you do is change your band's name so that in order to opt out of that option and put the new lead singer back in front!

Have you ever thought about what goes on at these photo shoots? Do they actually discuss who stands where? Yes! Can you imagine that? If you are in a band and you are doing this then God is probably one of those people that is laughing their almighty face off at you!

And it has been that way all throughout time, baby! It wasn't you kids who invented all of this punk and emo stuff and its erection for dolly boy photos! You should have seen this stuff back in the old days, like the Middle Ages! That was some serious fucking emo! It was all like "ooh whooa the duke ordered me to execution via guillotine for taking his daughter's virginity ooh whooa" instead of all your baby stuff like "ooh whooa I hate girls and the government won't pay for my health insurance and I hate George Bush almost as much as I hate my father!" And the list just keeps going on and on and on worse than your livejournal!

Bono to build sources of human suffering in Africa
Bono wants to build factories in Africa that will mass produce his clothing line (which should have been called FUBBBA ("For Us By Bono's Black Africans")) ! It is supposedly being touted as some kind of "humanitarian" project but we all know that it this is rooted in greed! He is going to exploit these poor people and force them to work in his Kathy Lee Gifford quality sweatshops! And Bono will be watching the torture through his omnipotent sunglasses from his office high above the slavery and he'll be laughing like a fucking champ!

Dr. Balls shows sign of solidarity with Punkvoter over Hitler-esque military recruitment scandal
Dr. Balls is in complete agreement with Punkvoter over the appropriate visual disgust against the US military for having the right to access private information about high school students like their super secret names, addresses, and phone numbers. Unless you opt out! See, there is always a catch!

If you want to stop masturbating, read this!
This interview between the Onion and Jello Biafra via the telephone (a.k.a. "phone") is the best thing to happen to my face than the taco sandwich box lunch I had at some hot chick's Y the other day! Listen to the Onion ask Jello's opinion on "the state of punk these days" and then to Jello's 2 page, 2000 word response that covers everything from Christians to the Vietnam War to mandatory DNA modification on factory workers to the minimum wage to tuberculosis to Richard Nixon to homeless people! And then there was another 1000 words and I just don't have enough time in my awesome day to read all of it!

When he finishes this rant, the interviewer hears bathroom sounds and realizes that Jella is taking a fucking shit! The poor interviewer was obviously disturbed by this either extremely wise or otherwise incredibly not diagnosed with a brain problem kind of person! I mean, the poor dude only got to ask 5 questions! He got to talk only 5% of the time! This is what makes me jerk off!

2005-03-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

As I stated before, scary is the new sexy for 2005! All you fancy niggas betta get with the goddamn program and start making yourselves look like you're from Middle Earth!

Junior Varsity victims of multiple thefts; suspects may or may not be black
If you read sites like absolutepunk.net every 15 minutes like I do in a hurried frenzy as if I'm about to die within minutes, then you too have been keeping up with the horrid misfortunes of band The Junior Varsity and you would fucking know how they had their van busted into and equipment taken 3 fucking times in just a month or two, like, totally not saucalicious! So I contacted him (a.k.a. Nick Dodson who should know the ins and outs of the band considering he is in it!) using secret methods of which I cannot disclose and I asked him about how boner-canceling it must have been for him and stuff!

Dr. Balls: So tell me hoss, which way doth the wind blow now!
Nick Dodson of Junior Varsity: It blows up my skirt appartently.
Nick: apparently*
Dr. Balls: Does it happen when your van gets kinda sorta busted into 3 times in a row like God hates you or something!
Nick: yeah man totally - then the UK immirgration department dont have any on file work permit stuff - it's pretty much the suck.
Nick: But all and all morale is great - our new album is coming along smashingly
Dr. Balls: Yes I heard it, "Show your baby fat to the world!"
Nick: that's right boss.
Dr. Balls: So where's God when you need him!
Nick: hahaha im guessing not in Washington DC
Nick: thats for sure.
Dr. Balls: Maybe you guys need to just lock the thing!
Nick: haha sir it was beyond locked.
Dr. Balls: So do you think it was a bunch of black guys who did this!
Nick: I'm not one to stereotype like that but it is a predominantly black neighborhood. Must not like it when rowdy white kids and a half mexican(sergio) come stir up trouble.
Dr. Balls: Is that mexie fully documented?
Nick: thankfully - yes.
Nick: matt squire our producer likes to call him Kraut McBeanster
Hes got german scott and mexican him
Dr. Balls: One of these days I will understand what that means but in the meantime there is really no other future like the one we have today

I know, I can barely believe it myself sometimes. This truly is the most niggalicious website ever. You know that you have the best juices when even Orville Redenbacher cannot help but resist offering you his wife! The only thing that could uncancel your boner more would be if yours truly were to suddenly whip out that crazy, and fearsome, seventh horn of the apocalypse from my desk drawer, put it to my lips, and let out a ferocious blow that playeth the brownest note fucking ever, and not only does your life suddenly end but it does so in full replay of the sorrow that you have caused God over and over again just to drive the point home! You would understand only if you were from the future!

2005-03-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

Green Day song saves boy from coma
So this little 9 year old British dude was crossing the street when he got hit by a car and, although he lived, it sent him into a coma. He remained in the coma for like a fortnight and things were looking pretty unsauclicious for him. Then his parents decided to play him his favorite song "American Idiot" by his favorite pop-punk niggas Green Day and the little dude woke up out of his coma an hour later just like fucking Jesus rising from his musty tomb!

This song will make you die
My 6th favorite porn site, punknews.org, has posted this song by Imperial as one of their MP3s of the week. The song is from the feel-good album "This Grave Is My Poem" which I believe is taken from the Nostradamus quatrain that predicts how, in the 21st century, latent toilet training courtesy of unmotivated parents 40 years older than their children will lead to a generation of boys who must vent the frustrations from their slighly overweight bodies via screaming their fucking heads off in low, demonic voices as they weave their slightly metrosexual way through a confused life full of ball-shattering events like break-ups, studying for tests, and waiting for their internet connection to come back online so they can add to their livejournals!

Anti-Flag to march against war that is already over
If you are a young person angry at the world for not giving you everything you want then the worst thing that can happen is to run out of things to protest against. Unless you are Anti-Flag and the World Social Forum (a socialist organization if you couldn't tell)! Despite US troops still hanging around Iraq stealing their oil and stuff I figured the war was pretty much over! I mean, there is an Iraqi government so the US is doing less occupying and more stealing oil in fancy invisible trucks that no one can see!

But put yourself in Anti-Flag's shoes! These people need a protest march like a fat emo girl with glasses needs a Dashboard Confessional concert! Just imagine if you too were living in a world where your most hated enemy could steal 2 elections in a row and conduct an illegal war for oil based on a 15 year conspiracy in which thousands of government officials and media professionals have been paid off to keep quiet about it and the only man brave enough to come clean is also the author of several books on the supernatural! Now fucking imagine that you unsaucalicious piece of crap!

By the way, did you know that it is now totally punk for dudes to french kiss!

2005-03-05T03:58:00.000-05:00

I figure today is the birthday of some people in the world, and chances are good that some of them are socialists, so I thought I would do the socialist thing myself by giving them a gift but forcing them to share it with the rest of the world! So happy birthday baby and here is an excerpt from my new book to be released this summer called "Dr. Balls Rips God's Heart Out" (which resumes the tale of my extraordinary adventures recounted in the previous book "Dr. Balls vs. God: Guess Who Wins? (Hint: Not God)"):

Once the tribal warfare ended and the savages resumed back to their normal lives and there was much less pillaging and even more much less frequent slaughters, I became much less of the stranger on the run from warlord rebels that wanted to force me back into an imprisonment tomb, and I became more like their much needed leader -- someone who was benevolent but also not afraid to murder or at least hobble someone with even the slightest disagreement.

Their admiration for my superior beliefs as well as fear for their lives drove them to treat me like the king that I always deserved to be. Not only did they tend to my every need, they would allow me to embarassingly insult them just so I could feel better about myself after a long, tough day.

After assuming my new role as their complete ruler I quickly made a point to the men that their women pretty much belonged to me from then on. Though most of them wept bitter tears of pathetic sorrow, there were still some that could not help but stare out from their cages at the sight of their wives getting all excited about brushing their teeth with this old doctor of ballsology's built in tooth (and throat) brush o' love!

Shit! My Get Up Kids "On A Wire" cd just broke! Now I have nothing left to torture myself with!

2005-02-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well fucking look at this! Just as your piece of crap brain is climbing out of its hangover and you're trying to remember the things that were said last night so you can write them on your quote board, Dr. Balls is already up and dishing the knowledge that you so desperately need in either your ear or your womb! (Preferably your womb!)

As you all most likely know by now, I have been having a vagina of a time ever since those weird talking, porn loving hackers got their crossed eyes on the contents of Paris Hilton's cellular device and its library of celebrity phone numbers and photographed shame! The lovely young whore had my fucking awesome telephone number in it! So I have all kinds of weird people calling me up and I'm going to have to change my number as soon as I get tired of looking at all this milfy porn! (Thank you Al Gore, for inventing the only reason for me to wake up in the morning and not go outside, get dressed, or shower for 72 hours!) You see, I ran into Paris Hilton when I was with the infamous Dr. Balls gangbang posse at some swanky party and Paris was all about said doctor of ballsology and his gangbang posse giving her the kind of examination that is not covered by her insurance, and we were like "Paris, if we wanted a disease, we would just as well rent a room in one of your dad's hotels and rub our genitals all over the toilet and also bring several viles of disease and ingest them!" And then we all high fived each other!

Exclusive: Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 seen not wearing a black Atticus t-shirt
(See clip about Atticus comp. and you will not believe your fucking stupid eyes!)

New mp3 blog
You know how much I love you baby and that I am always looking out for you because your parents are obviously not! So some young impressionable youngster from rockingthescene.com has a livejournal but this is one actually worth reading because he posts mp3s of music you would probably like! I say that because the music doesn't make me fart out of my mouth like some of your other music so it might not be that bad! Do you want to fight? Because if we do, I will win and then I will hump your dying carcass and laugh as your soul quickly realizes that God hates you and has not invited you to heaven land!

2005-02-21T08:19:00.000-05:00

What's up hello baby, Dr. Balls is here so now your fantasy can be fulfilled you impatient necromaniac. Things are a little sucky right now because I just found out I have AIDS! Again! I'll get over it soon but it sucks in the meantime because I'll be sneezing and stuff! Who or what the hell invented this disease anyway? Wasn't it supposed to be the US government? I bet it was Dubya Bush! He fucking gets away with everything! He stole two elections, waged a war for oil and is right now stealing the oil away in super secret invisible trucks so no one can see them, and now he is building mind control machines so that he can brainwash every one of you into his evil cult of Christianity where they do fucked up things like pray and be nice to people!

More musicians speaking against P2P unsaucy flavas
For years I've been telling you cheap kids that you're only using this peer to peer software stuff to steal music and that it ain't cool! And you would write me near-convincing arguments like "Dr. Balls you are such a fucking idiot" or long winded rants like "But the music industry is an oligarchy and blah blah" and I was still like "You are still stealing music!"

Now a couple of bands have come forward to speak out against you thieves! Eventually all musicians will but in the meantime most are still scared that you whiney the-world-owes-it-to-me types will launch all out nuclear war from your blogs and livejournals.

But peep these mad flavas dawg. First Copeland (whose members are on my very short list of people who shall be spared from the impending 'end of the world' thing) spoke out against music piracy saying most notably, "We appreciate your support, but the biggest support you could give us would be to refrain from downloading. Sure, you may have good intentions, but the many people who could get the record from you and WON'T buy it probably don't have the same ideas. A lot of weight is placed on album sales in the music industry - not just because of the cost involved, but also because those numbers are how you determine how artists are faring. Our record sale numbers affect us more in this sense than they ever would in the monetary sense."

Also just recently Sleater-Kinney got their pads all in a bunch because someone leaked their new, yet unreleased record to the internit. They're all pissed because they want the music to be accompanied by the art work and lyrics and listened in its entirety because that's the way they "intended". That, to me, sounds like a weak case meant to obstruct their true motive: making money! And there ain't nothing wrong with that baby!

So it's going to take a while but eventually all of these musicians are going to get pissed at you and they will not be afraid of you and they will start their own lynch mob, storm your house, pull you out of your bed, and hang you from a fucking tree and laugh at you while you die! Oh yeah, I'll be there too, naked and dancing just like always!

Message from Dr. Balls to all bands
If you are in some band and your website has a media section, please remember (if your X-Station Cube II addicted brains can still remember anything) that 99% of the people who click the Media link are doing so in order to download an mp3. With that in mind, do not put your band's buddy icons or wallpapers first and the mp3s either at the bottom or another click away! It's bad enough that when I go to your website I have to click Enter only to have it pop open some tiny ass window covered 70% in photos and all the content in tiny little scroll boxes that only scroll by moving the mouse over the scrollbar which makes about as much sense as getting married for love!

2005-02-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

Apparently the "Illuminati" are taking control of the music industry with another one of their fancy conspiracies so I guess we had all better watch out. They are supposedly going to do something that will make us all do things against our will except for me and a few other people like maybe you, and that is what will make us special as we craft our way into this fume.

Dr. Balls interviews Down To Earth Approach
Dr. Balls is in this nigga way too many times. Oh by the way I interviewed Jonathan "Sacramento Sledgehammer" Lullo on my way to heaven yesterday! He is the lead singer of Down To Earth Approach! They are a Vagrant Records band but since Vagrant Records is behind a number of unsauceacratic schemes against humanity I tried to convince him that they need to dump Viagrant Records and take shelter with a much more saucalicious place that has the maddest flavor! But yeah Lullo is like a total Dr. Balls fan! And of course that would make sense because his band is one of the niggadest true to life bands that you will find today especially because many bands are trying to look like dolls and/or act like the rest of the world owes them something! I invited DTEA to play a performance in my Fortress of Ergonomic Solitude but who knows because Viagrant Records is so trying to screw them up the black ass that it's not even funny! Not even John Ashcroft would think it's funny and he is trying to legalize rape!

Alternative Tentacles (Jello Biafra) released records by controversial prof.
There is some professor named Ward Churchill who has been in the news lately because he wrote a paper in which he compared the victims of 9/11 to Nazis by calling them "little Eichmanns". So then my brain Nugget and I were tired of looking at porn and we strayed to the Alternative Tentacles website which is a label and fanzine run by Jella Biafro, and they are proudly displaying 2 of Ward Churchill's spoken word CDs for sale! It turns out that this prof was part of Alternative Tentacles for years! And Jella and AT have released a statement defending Churchill claiming his remarks were taken out of context and that this outcry has been orchestrated by a right wing conspiracy!

Things really turned for the worst when it was found out that the prof claims to be a real Cherokee Indian but he was exposed as a fraud! He can't get into any tribes! At most he is 1/16 Indian which means that one of his great-great-grandparents was an Indian! And he goes around telling people that he is an Indian! When one of his students, a real Indian, wrote a news column exposing him, he dropped her grade from an A to a C-!

This is Jella's buddy! These are the people who are going to save you from the Matrix-like reality in which you stupid sheep are to blind to navigate through, lest you break your pussy!

They Might Be Giants
I heard that They Might Be Giants are now making kid music! Like stuff about the alphabet and stuff! I was like, this is news? What is new about it? Did they never play kid music before? How are these new songs like "Alphabet Nation" and "Pictures of Pandas Painting" any different from "I Am Not Your Broom" and "Birds Fly"?

2005-02-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the new 80's

Ladies and gentlemenstruations welcome to part 2 of the 1980s. Part 1 start in 1980 and lasted through 1989. Part 2 has officially started in 2005 and picks up where Part 1 left off: embarassing hair, ridiculous clothing, boys trying to look like girls and wearing makeup.

The Starting Line want to tear your ass up, emo style!
There is a new song that I like to blare in my office at, you know where, the fucking world renowned Sack Institute where I work, and it is that new Starting Line song in some free sampler! In the song these bad ass emo kids sing "I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married" in the chorus! You see, I always told you that what your music needed was more pot and more sex. Well first Say Anything took care of the pot objective, and now The Starting Line are gonna get their meat talons sharpened for this young poontang that comes to their shows! That's why I don't get how all of you weird indie kids hate 16 year old girls so much! You're like, "Ew I see them at shows and they are so disgusting". It's like, no they are not! They are looking for protein! a.k.a. your man juice! Are you gay? Of course not, it is just that God never gave you a soul because he never liked you! That's right, he doesn't like his mistakes!

Anti-Flag praise get 9/11 answers from shapeshifting and psychonavigation expert
Every once in a while my brain Nugget and I like to visit the Anti-Flag website and get preached the knowledge. We get the knowledge implanted into our brains very much like what this website does to you every so saucaliciously. So then one day they linked to some interview with a guy named John Perkins who did a whole bunch of totally heinous stuff in the world on behalf of the Bush administration. You know those Bushies, always out to get the oil! It would be so much easier to just siphon it out of as many cars as they can! Wouldn't that be more cost effective? I mean, why spend a decade building up a huge conspiracy in order to invade a country and spend years and tens of billions of dollars funding an exhaustive war effort, nation rebuilding, security forces, debt relief, and millions in bribe money when they could just get the shit from a mall parking lot!

Well anyway you have me off on a tangent but I was trying to say that this John Perkins guy said he was conspiring to destroy the economies of small countries so that the US could become like a loan shark to them and then take advantage of them. Nugget and I were like, whoah! Pretty awesome shit!

So we checked out the books that this guy has written and they include "Shapeshifting" and "Psychonavigation"! Shapeshifting is when some ancient jungle savage perceived as a wise medicine man uses his spirit to turn himself into an animal! And psychonavigation is when he uses his mind to see across space and time!

So this is one awesome dude right here. I wonder if he ever psychonavigates to my castle and watches porno with me! Or maybe he shapeshifts into one of the milfy sluts that stop by my place every now and then! The gingerbread walls lure them in I'm sure!

Bright Eyes
Hey have any of you heard the first track of the new Bright Eyes cd! No not the electronic one (by the way electronic folk does not sound like a good idea), the country one! The track starts off with a perfect example of the phenomenon I call "nervous emo kid talk"! It's like, I never thought I would actually say this, but Conor I understand you better when you are singing! Unless it's just that you have balls in your mouth!

2005-01-29T21:27:00.000-05:00

What is it that you seek? Is it the unnerving discussion about how the world is going to end really soon! Or is it your perverse tendency towards talk about how I host parties in which grown adults engage in such abnormal behavior that it automatically damns their eternal souls to a totally heinous and everlasting shitbath in hell and you wonder why I laugh at them! Or do you seek the other thing, that which you recognize but cannot identify, and it drills deep into the back of your fleshy mind, planting a seed that will later grow itself into a huge tree of knowledge that will produce the most pungent fruits you've ever tasted in your sauce sucker! And this is only the beginning!

Besides this isn't really the tree of knowledge! It is really more like the blowjob that knowledge gives your brain! Take that, identical twin who ate his sibling in the womb!

2005-01-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

This incredible website, the one that you are reading with your gorgeous eyes, is not specifically birthed to serve as only an apocalyptic catalyst (by the way does that scare you saucy niggas?) but also to talk about what I believe in my black heart to be the most interesting music that deserves to be talked about! I call it an "Undergrond Music Review" but let me tell you what! We are already going through the concepts of mainstream and underground music giving a blowjob to reality which spawns a new reality in which things are different and those terms no longer apply, nigga! So let us step into my goddamn office here at the lustrous Sack Institute where you wished you worked, and then shut the door behind you, and I will spark up this fatty blunt Matlock style and we will sail into the breeze on a cloud of absolute madness, and seize the day by the balls!

By the way if you Google "saucalicious" using "I'm Feeling Lucky" then you end up at this fucking website, so put that in your mouf and suck on it!

Dr. Balls petition censored by PetitionOnline.com via repressive "accurate information required" policies
There is no explanation as to why PetitionOnline.com removed my petition against Mr. Fingers and his stupid blog a.k.a. the monument to his failures at life (like failing to please his wife and failing to keep his father from being swept to his death), except that PetitionOnline.com is somehow in the tank with Mr. Fingers. I don't know how that's possible but it sure is possible. It is also possible that there is some hater at PetitionOnline.com who hates on Dr. Balls. I already told you what I want to do with hate. I want to have it solidified and use it to smack you in your hairy tits!

What PetitionOnline did was tell me that "69 Milf Rd" was not an accurate address. It's like, why the hell do you need my address slut! You fucking address slut! You don't need it so I made it up, now put my petition back up before I soak your jugs with the reason God made me!

So now the petition is at http://www.petitiononline.com/DrBalls1/petition.html and in case you haven't been keeping up with the whole drama with my ex-assistant Mr. Fingers, he has a stupid blog in which he accuses me for every trauma in his life which has placed tremondous shock on his stupid worthless psyche. So in return for the free and, might I say, fucking incredible advice that I spread like butter onto your noggin, you can sign my fucking petition against Mr. Fingers and help forever to stomp out this fat fatherless fuck forever!

2005-01-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

Check it all yall, Dr. Balls is in this fucking frankfurter town, being the niggedest ballsologist that comes brushing your teeth with the reason I was born a.k.a. my peen and it does not even give you cavities even though it tastes like heaven just warmed in your mouth!

Dr. Balls fights fire with thunder, with a petition against Mr. Fingers!
Mr. Fingers is trip about my existence on this great green globe and I bring it much more glory than he ever could with his inability to succeed at anything in life which includes his failure to please his wife, or the failure to hold on to his father's nervous arm clammoring for safety as the man was wept away in the river towards a very unfortunate yet funny as hell rocks-at-the-bottom-of-the-waterfall kind of way! (Can you feel it, like a Bible?)

So in response to his offensive waste of space blog, I have posted a petition asking for Mr. Fingers to take down his blog! If you are all of like mindset, as I'm sure you are or at least pretend to be, then you will want to put your name on there because, as we all know, names are pretty much equivalent to bullets in a war of the fucking minds!

Sign the petition: http://www.PetitionOnline.com/DrBalls1/petition.html NEW LINK

Sorry, but this is how we talk in the future!

2005-01-09T05:37:00.000-05:00

Guess what time it is, motherfucker! It is whatever time you want it to be! It's like, aw yeah motherfucker!

This has been just some fucking crazy week but still Dr. Balls comes out on top with an even higher level of power than had been achieved before! In other words, this week has pretty much just filled me up with a bunch of power! That is despite all of the non-favorable attunements that have crept and crawled into the proverbial underpants of said week! In particular I am specifically invoking the memory of when my fucking loser ex-assistant Mr. Fingers announced his I Hate Dr. Balls blog in a pathetic attempt at ruining my reputation with subjective first-hand, emotionally filled piece of crap posts that reveal how much he is a loser and will never be able to please his wife anywhere near how I manhandled her!

Now he has some stupid garbage up there like about how I hit on Dr. Rafi's secretary and how I gave her that card with a drawing of a penis in it, except the stupid little faggot got his story all wrong! He pretends like the lady wasn't at all impressed when she was! She came up to me later that day and asked if the large drawing was "actual size" and she was all hot and heavy about it! And get this! When I got around to romping her she pretended that she was Mr. Fingers's wife and I showed her exactly all the stuff I had done to her!

Dr. Balls presents his world famous "your momma is..." snaps
Back in the day Dr. Balls was the king of snaps, even among black people! So try your hand at a few of these and don't be afraid of the nectars.

Your momma is so ugly that God wants to kill her!

Your momma is so ugly that it makes me want to eat her face because it looks like a plate of potato skins!

Your momma is so stupid that the world wants to kill her!

Your momma is on so much smack that she shoots it up her cooch and then babies come out!

Your momma is so milfy that I want to lose myself in every touch!

Your momma is so fat, she looks like you!

Your momma is so ugly that her face is often mistaken for a piece of shit!

Your momma is so well respected... at Haliburton!

2004-12-29T22:06:00.000-05:00

Mr. "cockrock", if that's your real name, I don't know what the hell you are blathering about on my fucking guestbook but let me tell you what, you obvious secret agent from some parliamentary intelligence brigade with some sort of irresistable vendetta against yours truly, so that is why I have someone else's shit on my face and can't come to fucking work, you incriminatingly smudge baboon of a boss who doesn't realize how many fucking times I am smoking a bone in my wonderful and classy office right next to his at the world renowned Sack Institute a.k.a. the place where dreams come true (that is only if your dreams consist of making your soul go to hell by doing some dirtily saucalicious stuff involving your lickity-split and some really milfy babe right exactly the moment before the world ends, which I will live through and you won't so na na na na na)!

World Exclusive: Mr. Fingers chronicles loser self in secret blog!
Yes it is true, truer than the fact that there is a little light in each and every one of us, that Mr. Fingers has his very own blog and in it he writes all about how I reamed his wife (while their kids were home) and he can't get over it, and how he can't get over how I fired him from his butt boy position at the Sack Institute, and that is just the greatest story of my edentulous lifetime especially the part about how he was replaced by a black person in order to fulfill an affirmative action quota system in which Mr. Fingers is simply another cog in the machine. A cog with a dead father!

The blog is called "I Hate Dr Balls!! Death to Dr. Balls Underground Music Review!" I mean, this guy must really hate me! I bet whenever he is having his weekly sex ritual with his wife (missionary style for 7 minutes every Friday night after JAG) he is probably reminded about how I went much further and deeper than he will ever know about! And then he probably thinks about what he is going to write in his blog the next morning! What a freaking loser!

Mr. Fingers wrote me an email to tell me about it:

To: Dr. Balls
From: Mr. Fingers
Subject: Your worst nightmare!

Dr Balls I said I would get you back and I am writing to tell you that restitution for myself is starting to begin!! I'm not scared of you and I will do everything my power to expose you to the world for the fucked up wierdo you are!! Actually I have already started awhile ago with my OWN blog called "I hate Dr Balls" http://antidrballs.blogspot.com/ and I have been chronicalling a lot of the stupid stuff that you ahve done to me. it really makes you look like an asshole! Have a nice day because revenge will taste sweeter than the nectar of my wifes poontang that I tasted a few nights ago! That's right, your not the only one who gets to fuck my wife!

And guess what I found out! You know how Mr. Fingers got that job at the Hood Institute of Vaginology? Well he is working for their Gestational Control department. That's where they do abortions! Some guy at work told me! So when Mr. Fingers emailed me I replied and said "Hey Mr. Fingers can you get me one of those dead babies!" And he replied and said "That's not what it's about you misogynist asshole!" And then I replied and said I would fucking pay him, he just has to make sure he doesn't give me one of the ripped apart ones.

2004-12-22T21:52:00.000-05:00

This is Dr. Balls's Undaground Music Review, it is for the seriousest of niggas! Worlds sometimes end! You're going to have to face it (soon)! Doomsday staring at you nigga! Straight into your grill! Give it up I tell you! Give up the ghost that been haunting me so.

- MP3s -

the 101 - Never In
Brandtson - Escapist (stream only)
the City On Film - I'd Rather Be Wine Drunk / How a Helicopter Sounds
Copeland - When Paula Sparks (alt. version)
Down To Earth Approach - Triple Black
the English System - Banded Blue
Fembots - Small Town Murder Scene
the Hate Holiday - Lackluster
Jena Berlin - Aiming For August
Metroplex - Monday Morning
Midwest Blue - My Own Constant Reminder
the Progress - US Camera
Senses Fail - Buried a Lie
Slackjaw - Let It Go
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start - Come Away
Woke Up Falling - Fake Your Death

Sign up here for free to download "Sleep (demo)" by Copeland and "Escapist" by Brandtson.

Have you ever seen the movie The Baby? It is a famous horror movie here in Antarctica. I love love it to death. Well this weekend the sequel, Son Of The Baby, is coming out! Yes baby give it to me in large quantities! Too thick for the holes! I love to watch people die in movies and I scream out "Take that you innocent son of a bitch!"

So this past weekend I met Kevin Spacey. Yes that's right I ran into him somewhere and we got to talking. The talk was being had. At first he was like "I'm not Kevin Spacey" but I'm not a fucking idiot and I kept talking to him about Hollywood and all that stuff in which I am also involved through various routes and vantage points. And then I fucking invited him to my 131st Semi-Annual Jesus's Birthday Gangbang Barbecue with special guest star Lucille Roberts and the Dr. Balls Gangbang Posse! Welcome again, my dear friends and enemies, to the frayless fringe this side of the farce!

Dr. Balls plays 2nd "morning thunder" prank on absolutepunk.net
A month ago I told the world all about how I submittened fake news to absolutepunk.net to make them falsely report that Jimmy Eat World put an mp3 on the internet for a new song called "Morning Thunder" and they did it!

So exactly 30 days later I made them post new fake news saying that Boys Night Out announced that one of the songs off of their new album will be called "This Is What Morning Thunder Sounds Like"!

So then BNO emailed ap.net and straighted theyselves and ap.net posted a correction! By this time there was pretty much sauce everywhere and crap!

For those of you who don't know what morning thunder is, it is the glorious procession of callous, dry farts that occur from the time a man wakes up until about the time he is done with his morning stroking and measuring!

John Nolan out for blood after fan steals kiss from sister Michelle
On the same fucking day as the "Thunder-gate" scandal plagued absolutepunk.net, John Nolan broke open a new scandal that most are now simply referring to as "kiss-gate" which is about something that happened at a Straylight Run concert in which some kid got on stage and sang with Michelle Nolan and then he kiss-raped her! The dude must have the biggest fucking balls, and the smallest brain! Too bad John didn't see him do it but he found out later and wrote about it. But if shit went down then I would have totally made my person pilot fly my private jet to Oklahoma to meet the Strayrun Lights and get John's back and after John was done shouting him down and calling down the thunder on him then I would get in there and kick the dude in the fucking lumbar and then I would totally have Michelle Nolan and I would make her forget all about Adam Lazzara!

2004-12-10T21:45:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls is from hell. This wonderous disaster of a creature mutated over thousands of years on a pre-prehistoric journey through the volcanic birth of this piece of crap planet until it became greener than gold and the form of that hellish creature became the form of a being that glowed even in daylight and hung like the devil. This proves that history was yet again to become nothing more than a field of really rocking mushroom clouds that consume a lot of stuff (a.k.a. everything) into a beautiful bath of fire in which sanctity will simply not please the ever so prudent, and by design capture the willing soul sellers in disguise, once and for all!

Le Tigre man-woman confusion
Ladies I am sorry to inform you that, besides Dr. Balls being too large to come anywhere near your pinkage, that the keyboard player for Le Tigre, the young looking boy with the fuzzstache, is not a boy but a lady. Yes it's true, and I just wanted to warn you in case you were fantasizing about this young lad. Or maybe there are some gay men who wanted to take this young buck for a ride. Well sorry but that really is a woman!
(3 girls)
She is JD Samson and she is more of a man than any of you freaking metrosexuals!

See her here, she probably just saved someone's life at the beach. What have you fucking done recently!

Mr. Fingers getting job... Dr. Balls not caring!
Mr. Fingers called me this morning while I was at work taking care of my sobriety in my office at the world renowned Sack Institute just to let me know that he got a job! He was like "Hey Dr. Balls fucking guess what!" and I was like "Hey baby" and he proceeded to tell me how he was offered a job at the Hood Institute of Vaginology! I was like, so what dude! You are still a goddamn loser and I still nailed your wife! And it was a great time! She was screaming out my fucking name! So then (and I never told you this buddy) I told her to call me Mr. Fingers! So there I was pounding the pudding (quite literally) and she is calling me her husband's name and screaming and yelling and I was laughing so hard!

So then (and I never told you this either) she says, "Dr. Balls, call me Mr. Fingers!" So there I was taking physical ownership of his wife and I'm calling her Mr. Fingers! Oh baby, I was telling Mr. Fingers to do all kinds of things!

This is why I have such pleasure in every waking second of this soon-to-be-tragically-altered-on-all-levels existence, because pretty much god loves me and hates you. Remember, he gave me the horn. And I'm going to use it. Oh yeah, I decided that while I blow that crazy old seventh horn of the apocalypse that I will poor goat's blood into the horn and down my face! You guys are going to hate it, but it is going to be what completes me.

2004-12-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

You know I'm getting really sick and tired of all of you so called "alien abductees" barging into my room while I'm sleeping in my tiny sleep capsule yelling and screaming at me about the horrors that these parentless creatures with really big fucking eyes do by poking your frightened privates aboard non-fantasy-land type alien spacecraft in which you experience the most horrifying piece of crap anyone could ever live through! Except that you are standing there naked in front of me as some supposed kind of proof but all I see are the lies in your eyes, baby! The suicide rate of your brain cells is erectifying! Why were you not aborted? This is going to take me a while to explain, but pretty much all that I have to point out is why weren't any of these fucking disgusting things armed or armored for protection! The goddamn things are always described as small, thin, and naked! How are they going to fucking protect themselves from you, I mean us, humans, if one were to be abducted only to start a Pistons style riot in the UFO! And those fuckers live way too far away to care about coming all the way here! I mean, don't you ever have those dreams, like I do, about how the fucking aliens are actually just starting to saucaliciously communicate with our satellites and introduce themselves over the internet! Yes baby 'tis happening! Wait until you see alien porn. It is the fucking greatest! By the way please let me know where I can find plant porn. I'm specifically looking for plant threesomes (2 plants, 1 guy)!

Lit vs. Remember Never in straight edge 'straight-gate' scandal
Awesome huh! So Remember Never apparently graffitied Lit's million dollar (or much less) tour bus! The pictures used to be on Lit's site but was taken down just a few hours after the news was broken, but Dr. Balls always saves these kinds of pictures (like porn) and here they are:

So Lit was playing some show where people in the audience actually remembered them and down the street was some straight edge concert with Remember Never, and Lit are pretty much like the rock and roll descendents of Motley Crue, Poison, and The Vaginal Backstabbers (from Antarctica). So they were pretty much letting their drunken mouths all slobbered up with making fun of straight edge for not allowing themselves to get drunk or get blowjobs and calling straight-edgers awful names like "Christian". When they got back to their "million dollar tour bus", shit had hit the fan and the odors were like entagling themselves into the fabric of the cosmos and stuff! What I mean is "FUK YOU!" and "FUCK YOU I'M STRAIGHT EDGE" scratched into the bus. Lit blamed Never Remember or Remembering Never or whatever the fuck for the vandalism. Why? Well the jerkoffable artwork is signed in one place by RN Lit claims but who knows!

So Lit put this whole diatribe thing on their site making fun of Remember Never and even socking it harder and further and more excellent then previously. They took it down a few hours later but Dr. Balls got that shit for you right here!

So I emailed Lit and got some a canned response from them (actually 2 because for some reason they sent it, then sent a rewritten one 2 hours later) just like some other people who probably think that Lit actually wrote them two 1-page long emails! Yea baby climb back in your hole! Basically they apologized for mocking people who do not drink, do drugs, or have sex (supposedly). They even admit that they have no 100% undoubtable proof that Never Remembering were responsible. So the story does not end in fisticuffs like Finch vs. Disturbed so yours truly still needs to check out the latest in some of the milfiest porn on the internet, the best invention ever invented! Thank you, Al Gore!

2004-12-04T02:00:00.000-05:00

The wait is over, finally! I know, it's like, I wanna get my Dr. Balls on! I want to read his site! Does he really type up his website with his pants at his ankles! How many more days are left until, you know, the final days! When they pass will Dr. Balls really be farting into a giant trumpet, in a gesture to mock my death! And am I aroused, repulsed, or neither! Is there no ending to the end of the world I wonder, or if it just keeps going on forever! If so I'd be like 'sweet'!

Anti-Flag meet sponsor of military draft bill and call him "way cool" and "fucking awesome"!
I was looking for my secret stash in my sock drawer when all of a sudden this article came flying into my face and I was unable to not get near it (btw if you are KKK then let me know)! It's some big long post-election rant by Justin Sane from the Anti-Flags and if you are anywhere near as all knowing and wise as myself then you would have came across a certain paragraph in particular and said "what the abortion?"

You see there is this politician Congressman McDermott from Washington state. Anti-Flag recently met him and said:

"In the end, touring Congress with Mr. McDermott was way cool! Congressman McDermott is fucking awesome!"

So get this! This McDermott guy co-sponsored the bill that would have reinstated the military draft a few months ago which I affectionately refer to as the 'pretty much say goodbye to your lives all you young people'! Remember how everyone laid a big fucking fart about it? Including Anti-Flag right here:
"Legislation to bring back the draft has already been introduced as Bill #163 'The Universal National Service Act of 2003.' I don’t want my band mates and friends to end up fighting, killing, and dying in Iraq for US multinational corporations!... Please tell your representative you’re against bringing back the draft..."
So here the Anti-Flags are in Seattle praising the guy who could have been responsible for bringing back the draft! Well, Justin Sane did try to clarify it by saying McDermott's efforts were "NOT in order to actually bring it back, but instead to bring the issue to the attention of the public." So that just leaves me with more questions because now it's like, why would there be all this fuss over a draft if they know it's not going to happen? Why stir the sauces when they are best left to simmer in the nut? The only explanation that I can come up with is that, and maybe this is a little crazy, but maybe the Anti-Flags have been dipping their nuggets into the sauce known as politicking and doing whatever it takes to bring down the hammer on George Dubya Bush's presidency (the man most punks hate even more than their fathers) by lying about the possibility of the draft. But they wouldn't ever do that, would they nigga! I mean it's either that or they are really goddamn stupid! So which one is it! Yes baby it really does feel this imperial!

Restraining order placed on Dr. Balls
Yeah and just guess who did it! Mr. Fingers, the fat fucking kiss of death on his mother's life, who used to work for me! Did you read about how I got him fired! So I got this thing in the mail about how Fingers thinks I'm a threat because of some stupid stuff like exposing my gentiles to him (aka laying the thick slab onto his desk and asking him how much bigger it was than his). I know, it's crazy! What's the big deal, that happened over a year ago!

I've been told to stay 100 yards from Mr. Fingers. Like I'm ever around him? That's why I fired him! It's probably so I don't get near his wife whose bj face I would love to see again one day.

But guess what Mr. Fingers, the restraining order doesn't forbid me from going to your dead father's grave and farting on it! And I'm talking wet egg salad farts, all over his memory!

2004-11-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus with his hat on is all that I can freaking say to you right now. This is after 3 abundantly saucalicous days in my ghetto fabulous underground bunker with my pants at my ankles following a most bodacious dream about the end of the world! Thank you God! He came to me in a dream once again to show me what the end of the world is going to look like and let me tell you that it looks pretty fucking rad! It had been a while since the dude gave me the vision of the apocalypse to wet my palette for the impending hammer of God's fist crushing down upon this terra firma in the form of a bunch of fucking mushroom clouds? Yes baby and it makes me so excited when I think about it so you had better get those holes lubed up because Dr. Balls is back from his underground bunker and ready to get you sauced, unless you are transgendered then an egg salad fart to the face will do the trick!

2004-11-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

You are making me lose my freaking funk! At the very least you can momentarily restrain yourself or I will kick you in the lumbar! That will make you emo really fast!

Dr. Balls, Fat Mike, Say Anything names appear on MILF site
Check it out, envious niggas, because Dr. Balls' awesome website that you are reading is featured on a milf site! Oh yeah can you feel the power eminating from me like, word! It feels ancestral!

You can see it here but don't click on the link for fuck's sake if you are at work or in the computer lab or in your sleep stenched dorm room with your lazy eyed girlfriend standing behind you! No there are no pictures of fat old milfs but it is a page that's supposed to link to milf porn sites. Except no one bothered to create any of the hyperlinks! And my awesome website is listed there by the good grace of Jesus and his dad.

It looks like a Google search results screen with short excerpts from each site and the excerpt from mine is of me talking about Fat Mike and the band Say Anythihing. You lucky fuckers! Isn't awesome to all be mentioned on a fucking milf site! It is a dream come true my friends, now let's get down to some good old fashioned worshipping in the feast of the apocalypse while we drink the blood of the calf in celebration! Nigga!

The Damned in "christmas-gate" scandal
Cambridge Church leaders (I suspect them to be white) are pissed off because the town wants to have the fucking Damned switch on the Christmas lights this year. Maybe because a few years ago the Damned had their own special Christmas party that looked like this!

Those stupid old church ladies! What is their fucking problem! It's just fag boy!

Less Than Jake
I'm giving my 2004 Ugliest Band award to Less Than Jake. These guys have earned it. It actually does takes a lot of work. Effort is saucaliciously required. My award includes a special handwritten letter of congratulations of Dr. Balls himself (a.k.a. me) and tickets to the Harry Connick Jr. tour. It's the fucking joint!

Dr. Balls plays "morning thunder" prank on absolutepunk.net!
It was fucking awesome and it made me feel so friggin powerful! I submitted fake news to absolutepunk.net and they posted it! They removed it pretty quickly but it used to be right here.

Using my classic but never tired moniker Hal E. Burton I said that Jimmy Eat World had posted on their website an mp3 of a new song called "Morning Thunder". Within 2 hours it was on absolutepunk.net and blowjobs were all over the place!

Do you know what morning thunder is? It's what men do in the morning! A storm of fucking awesome farts! Have you ever named a fart?

A-F Records lays off bands
Anti-Flag's succulent record label A-F Records, in a very unsocialist move, laid off 3 of their bands: Tabula Rasa, Virus 9, and Inhuman. Large corporations are known to lay off people occasionally when they are suffering economically. A-F Records says the flood that totally savaged their office cost them thousands of dollars in damages and was the reason why they had to lay off these bands, leaving them with no health care plan or severance pay! Their buddy Michael Moore must be so pissed about this!

That should give you something to write about in your livejournal for the next couple of days!

2004-11-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

Shit yes it is fucking back! It feels so fucking good! And the aroma is overwhelmingly off the hook! This website is bigger than Tara Reid's nipple!

Leftover Crack insults 9/11 victims
If I were a walking, talking sausage then I would be these guys! They have no shame for whatever it is that their medication cannot handle! It is a permanent carnival zone in their schizophrenic subconcious no doubt and it translates electrons and carbons into effects that, despite their perversion, still make absolutely no dent in the collective subconcious in order to possess meaning nigga!

Ok so this is what happened! They really did insult the World Trade Center victims! Yeah dude there was no trumping the unsaucalicious this go around. The story was recounted by an album reviewer, and it sounds like the incident happened 2 years ago but the article was just posted recently.

(Yes beautiful, those are the towers burning and there is Dubya and some other white guy and their dad Dick Cheney with paint rollers.)
The cleverly witty and honestly sincere person reviewing Leftover Crack's album "Fuck World Trade" was at one of their shows in New York City and he did what I thought was a really good job in telling this trainwreck of a story:

"[Leftover Crack] was decked out in full-on Kiss like makeup and the back drop was a homemade construction of the twin towers... With a few songs left they rigged the twin towers with fireworks and lit them on fire, blowing it up, filling the room with smoke. Stzza said some shit like this goes out to the people who died, and the ones that will die in the next towers fall. And some other complete bullshit like the people deserved to die because they were working for evil. Most of the kids just cheered, meanwhile the LOC van’s tires were being slashed and their merch table destroyed. There were kids at the show whose parents passed away [on 9/11]."

In another twist of fate, Dr. "Orphan-Maker" Balls found this article that speaks of another riot at another show, and some dude was arrested and the cops found "some leftover crack in his pocket".

This is why I live, homeboys! Give it to me, I need the power! Oh did I mention that Leftover Crack is signed to Jella Biafro's record label Alternative Tentacles! Did I not mention that to you sweet baby with the holes freshly drilled slightly larger than her husband has been able to!

Jello Biafra defends Johnny Cash's legacy...by shouting!
Well speaking of the devil! Literally! This happened a couple of months ago but I just found out about it and it gives me the worms, and you should see me over here in my office whenever I write about Jello I speak out loud in my Bill Cosby voice "Jella Puddin'! Give me my rights! Jella Puddin'!" So when I heard this story I knew it was time to pull my pants up and give you the lowdown for which you return to this site for further morsels for that impressionable and needy mind!

So if you look at this story first from the supposed antagonist's view, this is what we see: Johnny Cash's children hosted a party at saucaliciously lavish Sotheby's in New York to auction off their late father's memorabilia. A 1986 Grammy sold for $187,200, a custom made guitar of Cash's went for $131,200, and other items like furniture and art were sold. The auction was attended by Tennessee Republican delegates from the Republican Convention in NY.

Now take yourself out of reality, freeing yourself from gravity and also sexual desire and become enlightened or something then you will have a good old fashioned protest right fucking in front of Sotheby's and you would be shouting and others would be shouting along together like it's some kind of Dashboard Confessional concert! And you would be Jello ranting and raving about how wrong it is to invade supposedly liberal Johnny Cash's personal belongings and within 250 words you'd connect it with the Patriot Act and illegal wars that create more terrorists! Sweet baby Jesus!

Yes, and you'd be gathered there with some of your most awesomest protesters who'd be yelling stuff like this one protester actually said: "Get out of our city. We hate you... We hate you, go home, and I will never forgive you for what you did to our city this week."

Yes baby, come on, get all that hate out! If only hate could be artificially solidified in a geeky lab somewhere, so that I could use it to smack you in the tits!

Anti-Flag with awesome new election conspiracy theory
So I'm just sitting around in my freaking tub taking a kind of bath and I'm minding my own business when the fucking Anti-Flag website came flying into my face from out of nowhere and it was all about how Dubya probably stole this year's election too and I was like, Hey I was just talking about that last week, except I was joking! These guys are serious!

I mean, I could see some stupid moron fucking something up somewhere in the election process, but I can't imagine that all of that shit was rigged! Well, wait, hold on a second, I guess if Dubya can wage war solely to fulfill the needs of other people involved in the oil business, while methodically and near-perfectly manage to keep mum thousands of government officials and politicians, plus thousands more news journalists, producers, and editors, then I'm sure he can somehow manage to find a way to hack into tens of thousands of stand alone voting machines, surpassing many security measures set into place at each location, all so that he can use the Patriot Act to invade your home and make you worship his God so that you will all stop being a bunch of stupid fucking metrosexuals!

Mr. Fingers is a homeless man
You know those stupid disgusting piles of garbage that approach your blinging limo while your stopped at some stop light in Antarctica City and one of them knocks his dirty fingers on the clean glass and actually bothers you to ask for some money, as if he needs any! Well that is what my stupid fucking EX-assistant Mr. Fingers is going to be! We needed an extra colored person in the department to fulfill the state affirmative action race quota so I was like, I'll give up Mr. Fingers! I was talking shit about him and calling him a fat fatherless retard and I had everyone in the meeting laughing, and everyone else was like, yea that dude is a fucking goner! So I stood up and I was showing everyone how I gave it to Mr. Fingers's wife and we were all laughing about it! So afterwards I fucking fired Mr. Fingers! And guess what, I didn't even tell it to his face! I sent him an email! So now I have some black person who is going to work for me. I was like, Sorry Mr. Fingers but you just weren't black enough! So take your Nickelback and Five For Fighting cds out of here and by the way tell your fleshy wife that I'm looking forward to seeing her blowjob face again! And tell your dead father I said hi!

2004-11-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

"Protest Songs in the 21st Century" mp3s
bornbackwards.com has that shit so go pick it up before the newly reelected Bush administration does a little 1-2-Patriot Act on that ass and send you to a military jail for the rest of your life so that you can siphon oil from cars for George Bush to give to his oil buddies for Christmas!

Dr. Balls really recommends these songs for you John Kerry supporters because I realize that you are going through tough, unhorniable times, and you should use these songs to protest in the private of your own musty room instead of actually going to one of those protest rallies where a person with a bullhorn yells commands at everybody like "We WILL not resist! We want our RIGHTS! We will march, we will do this and that..." and everyone has to repeat the command by screaming it back! There is a lot of screaming and heavy emotion at these things. It's a lot like a Dashboard Confessional concert!

Dr. Balls faces retribution from comments made about punkrocktheory.com in "Flash-gate" scandal
A few days ago your nigga Dr. Balls talked trash about punkrocktheory.com because I thought that their interview with The Lawrence Arms was placed inside some Flash web page hysterectomy. It is true that the web page was hard for an old guy like me to navigate through to copy and paste quotes from Brendan Kelley about how he can't bring himself to like or even talk to anyone who supports George W. Bush, but however I was fucking WRONG that it was done in Flash?

You see I really fucking hate Flash because I don't want to come to some website and have to sit through "Loading" messages in order to watch your band's carefully crafted logo or some stupid artsy emo photo swirl around like an egg salad fart! But the interview was not like that at all! It gave me the runs but that's about it! I had been having a great fucking day right up until Thomas from punkrocktheory.com wrote me and pretty much fillibustered my mind right over the email! The shame hangs heavy over my beautiful fucking eyes!

So anyway, baby, come here and let me put my Dick Cheney into your George Bush! And when I'm done, I'm going to pay a visit to your Colin Powell!

2004-11-02T23:30:00.000-05:00

It is official! Bush stole another election! And now he is coming for your goddamn oil! He and Cheney and Ashcroft are coming to your pea-stew-stenched shanty home and actually siphon the oil from your car! Of course you are not going to hear any of this in the so-called "news" media which is pretty much crazy mind-controlled by Bush and don't tell you dumb sheep, I mean innocent people, the truth. And you come here because I am one of the few enlightened who are wise enough to know the truth. And if you're black then you really have some shit to worry about because any minute Ashcroft is going to legalize rape under the Patriot Act!

Bush wins election; Fallout begins as sauces are splattered in the music scene!
I am so fucking glad this shit is over! I was so sick of it I was about to nut on my own face! But some people are really not happy that this is over!

punkvoter.com: "Senator Kerry today said that now we need to come together and heal as a nation. FUCK THAT. There's no fucking way I am going to come together with these homophobic, flag-waving, god-fearing, gun-toting, uneducated, isolationist, ethnocentric REDNECKS. We live in a country that's in a shroud of ignorance...
We continue to fight….and drink...and try to have a good fucking time."
Anti-Flag: "I couldn’t imagine that enough Americans would have the ignorance to vote for endless warfare, a Supreme Court stacked with neo-con fascists, and a war on the poor, gays, and labor... I seriously don’t think that those who voted for Bush realize what they have unleashed... We MUST continue to fight!...
If you earn fewer than twenty-thousand dollars a year and you voted for Bush you are ignorant and have been suckered beyond belief! If you voted against Bush I salute you as a visionary...
Economic boycotts MUST become the center of our strategy! "
Drive-Thru Records: "With all of the amazing hard work that MTV, Fat Mike, Howard Stern, and P. Diddy did to get kids out to vote, still only 1 in 10 "youth" voters made it out to the elections. What a gross statistic."
bornbackwards.com: "Fuck."
Brendan Kelly of Lawrence Arms: "Well, we're fucked. Real nice."
conservativepunk.com: Jab at the Republican party: "Conservative Punk would like to thank the Republican Party for taking notice of [our] tireless efforts to make a Bush/Cheney victory in 2004 a reality. The support you showed us over the past several months has been extraordinary. In other words...thanks for nothing..."
Jab at Punkvoter: "We would also like to thank Punkvoter for acknowledging the beauty of variety in thought and philosophy, and not resorting to childish tactics like calling us nazi's. In other words...FUCK YOU..."
Also posted a picture of Johnny Cash as a young man flipping off the camera.

Youth turnout was high -- Media is wrong, Dr. Balls is right
There are stories all over the media about how the youth turnout was not as high as predicted, and they are all wrong! Hear is an excerpt from some article titled 2004 not the breakout year for youth vote after all:

"This was not the breakout year for young voters that some had anticipated. Fewer than one in 10 voters Tuesday were 18 to 24, about the same proportion of the electorate as in 2000, exit polls indicated. Still, with voter turnout expected to be higher overall, more young people appeared to have come out."

This piece, like many others, is implying that the campaign to motivate more young people to vote fell short of its goal because the percentage stayed the same! 10% of voters were 18-24, the same as in 2000. But more people voted this year! So obviously more of you young fuckers voted!

This is what some people would claim is media bias, but Dr. Balls can tell you that it's just plain stupidity. Don't give those phony intellectual columnists more credit than they deserve!

--

Don't doubt the Dr. Balls flow baby because when it gets going I swear I won't need some sort of viagra/enzyte cocktail like you suggested but you really need to do something about that there forrestal growth spreading from your Nederlands and taking over your France!

2004-10-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls announces election prediction shocker:
No matter who wins, everything is going to be ok!
Fuckin' A! I know, it's a novel thought! Whether it is George Bush (who has lived in luxury off of his family's fortune) who wins the election or whether it is John Forbes Kerry (who has lived in luxury off of his wife's dead husband's fortune) who wins, just imagine, that the world might not suddenly end the next fucking day! Balls to the face!

Brendan Kelly of The Lawerence Arms in conservative bashing shocker!

As quoted from an interview with punkrocktheory.com published this month:

* "..saying that George Bush is pretty cool... up there with
something like it's okay to fuck little kids"

* "..we were stainding [sic] in Prague with some American
kids...this one kid said 'I personally support George Bush'. And from then on, I thought he was a total dickhead and didn't talk to him anymore."

* "You don't say that stuff unless you're a dick, or crazy or
both."

* "You [conservatives] are all dicks"

Yes baby! And once again Dr. Balls fulfills your and your sister's fantasies by providing you with the juicy tidbits from the ozone where other music news sites do not venture because the whole music media is controlled by George Bush and John Ashcroft, who in turn are controlled by their new dad Dick Cheney!

So anyway I found those quotes from an interview that Brendan "tattoo canvas" Kelly did this month with punkrocktheory.com. But the page is one of those stupid artsy Flash blowjobs that are annoying to use so I posted the whole juicy part below so you don't have to deal with that abomination that some asshole put together instead of studying for his classes which are being paid for by other people!

PRT: I have one serious question left, it's about the Conservative Punk website.
Brendan: Serious, conservative punk..Yeah! (laughs)

PRT: Some of my old time heroes are writing for that site like Dave Smalley, the guy from the Dickies, …what's your opinion?
Brendan: You know, it's kind of fucked up. Michael Graves had real problems with what I wrote on Punkvoter and I had a huge problem with what he wrote on Conservative Punk. But to me, at first I thougt: Conservative Punk, are you out of your fucking mind? That's like having a black Klan-member. You can't do that! But then I was reminded that there is a long history of conservative bands like MDC and all. But you know what? Those guys are fucking assholes. I mean, Speak English or Die? Fuck you! Have your conservative punks, I don't mind. You guys are all dicks, George Bush is an asshole, he's destroying the world and everybody fucking thinks so. He's flushing this country down the toilet, the deficit he created is gigantic, he's got a criminal record, he wasn't even elected by the people of the country, he said openly that he wished he could be a dictator, what the fuck do you need? What does he have to fucking do? Come to your fucking house and fuck your mom for you to see what an asshole he is? The other day, we were stainding in Prague with some American kids. They were pretty cool kids, and then this one kid said "I personally support George Bush". And from then on, I thought he was a total dickhead and didn't talk to him anymore. Everybody has his opinion, there are matters of politics that are open for opinions but then there’s this guy saying that George Bush is pretty cool. That's up there with something like it's okay to fuck little kids. Or like “Hitler was a genius. He got things done, German efficiency”. You don't say that stuff unless you're a dick, or crazy or both.

2004-10-24T20:27:00.000-05:00

If you want to get my attention then you'll have to get naked and let me yell at you! Actually that's what I said to Mr. Fingers today! Actually I said something more like "Hey Mr. Fingers, you know that time I gave your wife a good bopping (and she loved it), she couldn't fit her hand all the way around my penile. Can she with yours?" and he was all "wah wah wah" and I nearly had to put the fat fatherless fuck on suicide watch!

Check it out, 'scary' is the new 'sexy'!

2004-10-22T01:25:00.000-05:00

fan: hey
fan: is this THE dr balls?
Dr. Balls: Are you from the United Nations security council
fan: lol no
fan: i'm not into the UN at all
Dr. Balls: Then just don't front like you are
fan: okkkkkk
Dr. Balls: I am in fucking heaven right now!
Dr. Balls: Yes that's me baby!
fan: lol nice
fan: your website is awesome
fan: its the best thing since individugually wrapped sliced cheese
Dr. Balls: I feel so goddamn imperial!
fan: lol
fan: individually*
Dr. Balls: I hope that it changes your fucking mind!
fan: changes my mind about what?
fan: politics or what
Dr. Balls: So where is this wound festering?
fan: um i dont really know what you're talking about
fan: thats why yo're the imperial
fan: you're*
fan: so how is it over there at the sack institute
fan: in antartica?
Dr. Balls: It is enough to make anyone who is not there feel shameful and really thinking that they are complete fucking losers
fan: lol
fan: dude you're hilarious
Dr. Balls: Can you believe I'm getting shit about taking preemptive action against hackers!
fan: no thats crazy
fan: if i had a rad site i'd be doing that too
fan: do you get hassled a lot about badmouthing all those punkvoter socialists?
Dr. Balls: I know and people are telling me how stupid I am for doing it! They're like "there is no hacker threat"! And other people are saying that my "war on hacking" is merely a front for some kind of publicity scheme or possibly for oil!
fan: lol
fan: no way
fan: hey so what do you think about that john kerry character
fan: or michael moore
Dr. Balls: Here in Antarctica we have our own political problems!
fan: are there a lot of douchebags like john kerry in office or something?
Dr. Balls: Right now we are getting ready for the most important election of our lifetime, one that may possibly change the way we interpret our nation's constitution, and possibly legalize the gathering of more than 50 men in a gangbang! It's like, I want my rights!
fan: lol
Dr. Balls: What?
Dr. Balls: Is that some kind of emoticon
fan: yeah i guess

2004-10-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

Say Anything's Max Bemis to appear on next Starting Line album
So just remember that it was me, Dr. Balls, to whom Max once confessed that The Starting Line is "goofy"! Yes baby the smells come back to haunt and in such tenderlicious mother fucking flavor and shit!

Dr. Balls launches preemptive "war on hacking" in response to recent wave of hacking attacks!
Have you noticed the increasing number of music websites being hacked! Recently the Militia Group website and Drive Thru Records were hacked and had some ridiculous hacker scary picture crap up instead and words in that new hacker alphabet which has only 25 letters because S has been replaced by Z.

The latest victim was my fucking hombre Kevin Knight-Carson and his website thescout.net! I didn't get a chance to see the resulting mess but I heard about it! Those pesky little fuckers are getting in everyone's shit!

So Dr. Balls is now preparing his bad self to launch preemptive strikes when necessary against those enemies deemed hostile when it is in this ballsologist's interests. Dr. Balls will not wait until a gathering threat becomes upgraded to an imminent threat! Dr. Balls does not want to face the day when some lonely hacker replaces these beautifully crafted paragraphs with some stupid fucking picture of a dragon turning into a topless pornstar and accompanied with the phrase "~~RebelLordz pwned~~" or else some serious fucking farting out of the seventh horn of the apocalypse will make your day one that you will most likely remember while beating the flames off of your tortured body deep in the pits of the place where God puts the people he doesn't love!

2004-10-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

Alright people I want to let you know that I am sick of listening to you bitch about all the things wrong in the world that you hate and all kinds of other sorry shit, because there is a way to solve the world's many problems if you would just listen to me! What you have to do is turn back the awesomely insane universal clock to when all of these problems didn't exist, like back in the time when people were not at the top of the food chain! That's fucking right my brethren, if you would let loose armies of millions of smarter, stronger, faster animals that have an insatiable appetite for humans then you can finally restore society back to when there was no pollution, gun violence, social classes, AIDS, deforestation, and 20 million kids raped of their civil rights to after-school activities and free lunches with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

So by the way I really haven't been getting much of anything done lately because of this new Strayrun Light album! It puts me to sleep every time! Yes! But really I don't want to put down this well crafted jar of musical sauce and I mean it's about time that someone wrote an album that I can relate to: being part of a successful band whose lead singer gets involved with your sister and cheats on her and you start to realize that it isn't worth it to stay in the band and have to put up with this person who is obviously not your friend so you finally stop lying to yourself and quit the most important thing in your life in order to start all over again from scratch, a classic American story!

Punkvoter is not punk
It's true and you know it! You know that punkvoter.com is the most unpunk thing done by any punk ever before! Punks were never supposed to get this political! And that's pretty much what punkvoter has been, just another one of these hateful political gravy ass sites. And then and these are the specific reasons that you'll see!

Punk was never about getting involved in politics! Now I know there are several definitions of punk depending on whichever is convenient at the time but I can swear that none of them have anything to do with getting involved in political punditry and hosting a website regularly updated with political attack comments aimed at telling you who not to vote for (but notice they never tell you who to vote for?)!

They are partly financed by billionaire George Soros (a.k.a. #43 in the porkbelly saucacrunches Dr. Balls 52 man Vegas gangbang "Deck of Hards 4: blackjack large straights double down a full house all over her poker face"). Punkvoter receives money from moveon.org to help operate the punkvoter.com machine, and moveon.org is funded by George Soros who shares only one thing with Punkvoter: a hatred for George Bush so entwined in the DNA that it becomes hatred of other kinds of bush too. So anyway even Propaghandi didn't want to get involved with Soros! Remember they got kicked off the Punkvoter compilation because they had wanted to include liner notes that were so unsaucalicious to Soros? Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with this deal! But this is not what true punk is supposed to be like, right? True punks are supposed to be above money! They're DYI! I mean DIY! Fucking backspace key, the stupid thing got jammed up with snozz creamies and won't work for shit now oh gods I fucking hate you for doing this to me!

Now don't get me wrong because I think what Punkscroter, I mean Punkvoter, does is fine but it's just not what true punk is about! True punk would be out with a whole different message. True punk would be stumping for Nader. True punk would say that the war in Iraq was meant to divert attention from the government's failures to stop pollution and treat AIDS (not to mention to steal oil, despite there already being untouched oil deposits on US terrority which would have been much easier to get to). True punk would finance its pro-Nader site by the rather capitalist practice of selling merch like stickers, buttons, and cds.

And when you feel your oats, father snake would like to make an example out of penetreating you!

2004-10-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

Fucking admit it guy, your brain and this website are like when fire and the ocean floor collide!

The Melvins
The Melvins had to cancel some of their scheduled tour dates because of "an illness in the band". So let me get this straight! The Melvins made an album with Jello Biafra, and then one of them gets sick? Coincidence? No! I mean Yes!

Jets to Brazil
Have you heard what this Schwarzenbach dude from Jets to Brazil said in his column on punkvoter.com? It is awesome! He fucking said this!

"Whatever we may say of our [US] constitution, we might all agree that it has recently been stretched beyond the tether of its seams, contorted into a Job-like bible bent on the destruction of anything 'other'."

I was like, holy shit when did this happen! This is some scary fucking shit! Seriously! I mean, this is some serious fucking crap! I mean, that would pretty much rip to shreds the theory that tyranny cannot exist within a democracy! And that was pretty much the last hope left for humanity! Oh well, I guess it's just another mess that you sad little creatures are going to have to face as you trollop naively into the largest gaping pit of everlasting doom ever encountered a.k.a. the face of death staring right into your face from within a mountain of glowing fire of the burning embers of that darn cotton picking apocalypse!

Buddyhead is now officially a fucking porn site! Not that it matters, because I've already been jerking off to that fucking thing for years!

2004-10-11T01:02:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls is fucking back to work at the place you fantasize about, the fucking Sack Institute! You wish you could work here too, and be the most famous ballsologist in the last life I will live before the world does its end of the world thing! Doesn't that fucking scare you! It doesn't scare me because I've done pretty much all I've wanted to in life so I'm like, whatever dude, but some of you seamen probably haven't even done stuff like make out with some topless slut yet, and that's pretty much how things might end for you too! If I were reading this site I'd pretty much go to bed at night and the masturbatorial thoughts of the milfy lady next door would be replaced with fear, fear of the scene in which your whole life and world are consumed into mushroom cloud fields but ironically Dr. Balls survives and he is laughing until he farts and lives forever!

2004-10-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

And let me just tell you this bucko! As I sift through the miranda of thoughts that I can read from people's minds through the television that I am the luckiest, most repudiated and hardcore saucalicious piece of whatever you want to call the loving you get from a well lubed strapped on pork o' love made from actual ground pig meat and ready to rope-a-dope your fuckest fantasies!

Ladies and gentlements, I present to you in this here above picture, the bravest sons of guns in the US! These are real fucking men! Take a good long gander because they are real life heros! Conpiracy theorist Michael Moore and socialist punk band Anti-Flag! Real men to the bone!

More emotional dirty sanchezes over band An Angle
I've been talking about Conor Oberst's new band An Angle and I was told that Conor is NOT in the band, so I pretty much called down the thunder and fucking asserted my ass off about how I am right and the proof is in the pudding baby, and even still it is not good enough for some people, so let me just say duh now you will be the one who feels like shit when I prove it to you here right now! I mean, either I am right or this band An Angle sounds pretty much purposely like Bright Eyes! Now which one is more believable!

An Angle		Bright Eyes

Listen:
An Angle - Today I Saw Your Face
Bright Eyes - Feb 15th

2004-09-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

Fall 2004 mp3s
the Exit - Let's go to Haiti
Hot Rod Circuit - Inhabit you
Joan of Arc - Fleshy Jeffery
Logh - Yellow lights mean slow down, not speed up
Lucero - Sweet little thing
mewithoutYou - January 1979 **
the Rocket Summer - Skies so blue - Cross my Heart
Say Anything - Damnit (Blink 182 cover) **

** Right click, Save Target As

MC Lars/Say Anything collaboration update
Last time I was logged in to this portal to your face I posted my interview with freaking MC Lars. In it Lars mentioned doing a song with Max (Maxim not Maxwell) Bemis of the Say Anythings. So when I sent Lars my typical after-interview thank you note I also asked him to add further elaboration on the Bemis collaboration, and he replied that it was in preparation for his next album release plethoraization! No, Bemis will not rap you golden retards. He'll sing. I think he actually should rap. It would be a much quicker way for him to get all of his fucking words out!

Liars Academy's gear stolen
The Liars Academy say that they had $15,000 worth of gear stolen. But how are we to believe them?

Dr. Balls fed up with Drive Thru Records / Geffen hate-war garbage
I wasn't going to talk about Drive Thru and their problems with MCA and Geffen but I keep finding interviews and quotes of Richard Reines from Drive Thru and his constant complaints about how their business partner Geffen treated them unfairly. You see, Richard and his sailor mouthed sister Stephanie started Drive Thru and had problems funding their bands so they made a distribution deal with MCA. MCA funded the distribution for Drive Thru bands and some of their tours. Well also part of the deal was that Drive Thru's bands can be taken away from them because that's what eventually started to happen! I'm not sure if MCA actually did that but Geffen did when they bought out MCA.

So when I read Richard Reines complain about getting screwed over I just want to say, you signed a fucking contract! Didn't you read the thing before signing it! Actually he blames their lawyer and called him "sketchy". But still ultimately whose fault is all of this? Maybe you shouldn't have even involved your business stenches with a major label anyway, and instead built your label from the ground up! It would have been a lot of hard work, I know! Well too fucking bad! I didn't become the best goddamn ballsologist ever by getting some major label to distribute my fucking albums! Or did I!

2004-09-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

Did you hear about Fat Mike's new baby? How he and his wife couldn't decide on a name? They changed their baby's name more times than there are pictures of fists on Anti-Flag's website!

Dr. Balls interviews MC Lars
Or is it the other way around? Well still I talked to MC Lars and we just laughed the shit up! We were laughing and lying and laughing! Even though I got totally dissed at the end, but what can you expect from these gangster rappers!

2004-09-19T21:39:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls is here baby! Let your fantasies be fulfilled and then grossly perverted, that is, if your fantasies do not already include being video taped on some inflatable mattress underneath fluorescent lighting in some dingy basement with the Dr. Balls gangbang posse all around you, exploring your holes and brushing your teeth with their donkey kongs!

Oh by the way I have a message for you if you think that I was somehow wrong when, in my last post, I called band An Angle a "Conor Oberst's side project" and maybe you even emailed me your stupid fucking dirty thoughts but let me tell you what, baby, and it is that this band really fucking is a Conor Oberst side project. And if you don't agree with me then just listen to the fucking music and look at the fucking pictures you foreign piece of crap trying to steal my job!

Conservative goths
Move over conservative punks, and the one libertarian punk! Conservative goths are the new black!

Anti-Flag's A-F Records office flooded
Hurricane Ivan caused the creek in front of the A-F Records office to flood which then overflowed into the office, which I can only imagine is somewhat dark and dingy and full of the sounds of bands screaming their lungs out about how it is unfair that the world isn't bending over backwards for them!

So don't worry about giving them donations to help fix the mess because they won't be accepting any! No, I heard instead that they are going to lobby the government to make other people pay for it! This way everyone is contributing their 'fair share'! Or else!

So my stupid fat fucking assistant of mine Mr. Fingers is constantly trying to get me in trouble so today I did this thing to him that made him cry harder than he did when his father died! We had an awards ceremony at work today and Mr. Fingers won some bullshit award for something generical like "best performing employee of the month", which is given to everyone at some point and Fingers had not had one in all of the 3 years he has worked at the world renowned Sack Institute in beautiful Antarctica City which I keep ranting and raving about being the most powerful place on fucking earth!

So as the douchebag Mr. Fingers is walking back to his seat from receiving his award and everything was quiet I said "*cough*fat*cough*", and it startled Fingers so much that he lost his footing and grabbed onto the chair next to him but no one was sitting in it so he fell into some old lady sitting behind it! He got up and was all red faced and everyone started to chuckle and some people like me were just laughing and living it up! He was so embarassed that I had to put the stupid fuck on suicide watch!

So maybe the next thing I'll do to Mr. Fingers is something like steal his father's tombstone and put it in front of his parking space!

2004-09-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

Honey, your grandparents are here!

New Conor Oberst side project: An Angle
Conor has a new band! They are seen here not having very much fun!
purevolume site
"Today I Saw Your Face" MP3

For the first time ever, pigs fly!
In a related story, conservative punk compilation to be released!
That's right fellow gangbangers! The compilation is called "Crush Kerry" or "Krush Kerry"... something like that (not sure on the spelling yet)!

And there is a song available! And you can download it here (look down and to the left):
Epstein "Propaganda Puppets" MP3

Featuring the first ever conservative punk scream! Yes, at 2:29 in the song! Rarrrrr!

It is scheduled to be released on "the 27th".

But the weird thing is that the guy who is putting the compilation together, Danny Jacobs (a 35 year old "researcher" from Pomona CA, and he's "engadged"), won't name any of the bands in the compilation besides Epstein? People have asked him and he replies with stuff like "you just don't put the names out there, when you dont have a finshed product". Cum again? He is even reluctant to name is own band! There are references to his band in his posts and profile but what's the name of the band baby!

And of course the conspiracy theories! "i personally belived there are peoplen who want to stop this from happening.." That is a fucking frightening concept! To think, in today's day and age in which you have the capability of communicating and freely sharing information with anyone else, that the "axis of weasel" (Punkvoter, Epitaph Records, Jello Biafra) yields enormous power and is poised to pull the strings that will determine the fate of a seriously dangerous compilation!

Socialist punk band International Noise Conspiracy's album delayed by capitalism
International Noise Conspiracy's capitalist label, American Recordings, is switching parternships from Island Def Jam to Interscope Records.

(Notice that I didn't call the band "(International) Noise Conspiracy" with the stupid fucking paranetheses as if the name wasn't long enough already and you want to go ahead and put love handles on the goddman thing!)

While the band's frontman is saying stuff like "Our goal is to sell 1 million records or overthrow capitalism. We want to be a big rock band, but we also want to be considered a threat. We want the PMRC to be picketing outside of our shows.", people in 2 large record companies are doing business with each other, mutually exchanging services in a process which requires the labor of many employees who each rely on teams of other employees who rely on other companies for equipment, supplies, manpower, human resources, and many other services, all run by companies who also exchange services with other companies, all of which keep people paid and considerably raise their standard of living, and that's why it should be overthrown!

And here is some more of that good sloppy stuff! There is this boring interview that I had to read to find this quote, from back when they were with Epitaph: "We realize that this record label (Epitaph) is going to sell our record as a commodity, but then we get to do interviews and stuff and spread our message. We're sort of parasiting on each other. But I do have to say that it is a bit of a paradox."

Well why do you think it's a paradox! Because as we all know, paradoxes cannot exist! And when you come upon one then that means you fucked up somewhere on the way! Like maybe, if you have to rely on commercialism (even just a little) and something good comes out of it, then what the fuck is the problem! You see, it's never enough for these fucking punkers! It's like the world owes them something! They are like those fucking socialist freaks who came carrying torches to my large lavish estate on the outskirts of Antarctica City and baring this message: "Dr. Balls, you are not allowed to live a privileged life (even if you worked hard for it by being the best ballsologist in the world) while there are some of us who do not, so we are demanding that you pay for our fucking health care! It is our right!"

2004-09-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

New Dr. Balls interview
Kevin Carson of thescout.net may have taken down the "Columns" link, restricting access to my column of interviews (probably because all of the other writers couldn't keep their shit up to date, get your priorities straight niggas!) but Dr. Balls interviewed some band (by mistake) and their name is The Perfect Mistake and you had better get to know it if you know what's poisonous?

Dr. Balls t-shirts for sale!
These babies are hot! Available in gray, light gray, dark gray, dorian gray, and cum beige!

2004-09-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

If you're too lazy to bend over to pick something up then learn to pick stuff up with your fucking feet!

2004-09-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

The greatest one of them all, Dr. Balls (me), is back from a short and unexpected vacation that happened spoontaneously as a result of some sort of fucking mental breakdown a.k.a. the ripping to shreds of reality that happens as a result of you getting caught doing some very unorthodox bathroom behavior at your place of employment, the world-renowned Sack Institute, in what can only be described in such short time as douche to the face.

Someone once asked me, "Dr. freaking Balls, in what one sentence can you describe yourself?" And I replied, "My brain is a weapon." That someone asked, "As in something with which you wish to hurt another?" And I replied, "It gives on-the-spot abortions, that's what it does baby!"

Punks once again pervert the definition of individuality
The balls are a-flaming over at aversion.com where emo hater numero uno Matt Schilds took on some 'never-heard-before'-ish kind of band named TheStart in an interview and the band talked about everything that is wrong about punk while thinking they were bragging about it! The band should have been named NoSpaces!

The apparent singer of the group, Aimee Echo, said:

"I think that the core belief in being different and being individual and standing out from the pack is, in my eyes, a true punk-rock thing."

Exactly! Punk is not about being yourself! It is about "standing out from the pack"! So if you don't stand out from the pack, are you then some type of poser? Answer my fucking question! But you can't!

What's even funnier is that these punkers all look the same to me! Going into a club full of punks is like going into a room full of Asian people! Meanwhile they will swear up and down that they are being unique! But some days I'll see some stray gutter punk walking along the side of the road during my commute to or back from my place of employment, the world-renowned Sack Institute, and I'll say to myself, "There's another one of those unoriginally dressed punk morons!"

And once again interviewer Schilds, while writing about TheStart, couldn't restrain himself from letting his words be tainted with the fluid stains of George Bush hatred that is so entrenched in his calcite bone structure:

"TheSTART is one of the bands leading the break away from the dusty and worn-out formulas that guided punk rock since the days when George W. Bush was an irresponsible, coke-snorting frat boy."

Let it all out baby! Let it squirt!

The impending and unavoidable doom of the music industry, holla!
Do you know what I think about when I hear some stupid band complain about how they are getting fucking over by their record label? I think, that's too fucking tough because you signed a goddamn contract and you knew what you were getting into, you fucking crybaby!

Most of all is that you live in the age of iTunes! You don't need to sign to a record label anymore! Cut out the middle man and sell your dirty songs directly through iTunes! It's not going to be easy at first but that is where things are headed and is exactly why the music industry is going to go the way of Jesus on the cross!

The problem is that you young bands are unimaginative! Come up with some of your own business models! Stop bitching about corporate American and how you never want to work in your life and just fucking get to work goddamnit!

You stupid metrosexuals had better knock this shit off

2004-09-05T01:24:00.000-05:00

Who is that shadowy figure lurking in the dark corner of the german style orgy, the only one with his socks on? It is fucking Dr. Balls baby! He will make you his slave, and then sell you! So you had better not look him in the eyes!

That's right baby, don't look me in my eyes because there is rabid shit inside of there that you don't want to see and if you happen to see then be prepared for the most awesome way to die!

2004-08-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls here and I just got back from the store where I bought popcorn, souffles, raw cow meat, and an eigth of the finest Antarctican bud from the potiguaya plant, all to prepare for the 4 day crazy fest in New York City, because a lot of these protesters are fucking psycho so this should turn out really frighteningly good! They've already started with bike protests that are supposed to successfully and unquestionably ensure that Bush won't be re-elected by blocking traffic so that cars and cabs full of people who aren't Bush couldn't get to where they were going! But this doesn't phase these protesters, because everyone besides them is just some mindless sheep and tool of "the system", but they themselves are lucky enough to just happen to be part of the 2% of the world's population who are smarter than everyone else, right cheesecake nigga!

You see, let me tell you something about "the system". I fucking love the system. It is to my mind like a dirty sanchez is to your face. It fucking works for me but it's not going to work for someone who wants to sleep until noon every day and play music all night! But don't worry baby, just come to this website every day and let me tell you what to think about things, because I know it is a difficult world out there and sometimes concepts like "facts", "actions", "past", and "present" tend to get in the way of your hedonistic desires to live for free like some kind of socialist gutter punk nightmare-looking spikey haired slob!

2004-08-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

You know besides that unwonderous post in my guestbook from someone who called me ignorant and retarded because I said Michael Moore's movie had a lot of funny conspiracy theories in it! And yet that?

And he's not the only human, I mean person, to have their feelings hurt like that so let me just clear something up! Do you want to know why someone like Michael Moore would make stuff up! Well I don't know! But let's take a look at a really popular website known to most everyone as Bornbackwards.com because they had a little trouble with alternate realities also somehow getting their juices in the mix! Remember when they did that "Worst Zines on the Web" thing, and they quoted me as saying "I've been listening to New Found Glory since 6th grade!" However they didn't exactly say that I said that, but they put it in quotes in the middle of a paragraph to make it look like I said it! That's just a little trick known here in Antarctica as "putting your sausage in the hole in which meat is supposed to exit, not enter"!

Praise for upcoming Straylight Run debut album
I don't know about you, but if you're trying to be like me as much as possible then I would think that you visit the above link as much as I do, and the site is a blog of rock columnist Trevor "Mexican Donkey Show" Kelly who writes about interviewing emo bands that other elitist "indie" rock columnists look down at from their upturned fucking noses as the scum of the earth that makes their feet feel good as they walk over it!

So he listened to the new Straylight Run album and said

"This is absolutely the most compelling album ever written about some dude sleeping with your sister."

Yes bitch! Those are the smells!

People are still stealing music!
My favorite surprise that happens is when people get in trouble with the government for stealing music, a.k.a. 'sharing', and they have the nerve to complain about it! And people are still doing it! Meanwhile all you need to do is buy a song for 49 cents a piece! That's fucking all, it's fucking cheap! Stop acting like the world owes you something as if you were some kind of socialist punk or something!

Perversion of thought in Epitaph article
Just by reading the unsaucaliciously nonspecific title of the article, which was "The apparent indeterminable classification of counterculture", I knew that this was going to be a boner canceller as soon as I read the first sentence which is 108 words long:

"It has come to my attention, in the collection of many months that have formed the more recent years of societal, intrapersonal and musical influence, that an obese and determinable schism has chiseled itself into the American consciousness, a rift between what is deemed mainstream and underground art, particularly and most noticeably in the youth and adult counterculture of Punk Rock Music, a channel heralded for its vibrant, iconoclastic, original feelings of individual expression, inherent unity, non-materialistic civility and an unyielding desire to explore temperaments and creative avenues that are, more often than not, left unchallenged, labeled as too idealistic or cast aside as fleeting phases of maturation."

That was 1 fucking sentence, niggro? So shamelessly I put down the fucking doobie I was smoking, grabbed the ol' love pork (my pants were already down), and rubbed one out a mean and ultimately spirited episode meant to confuse (you and) the author of that mentally inaccessible column into feeling like the worth of it has been brought to such a low level that it would be really low like fucking ground level!

2004-08-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Conservative punks vs. the Punkvoters battle spinning out of control!
Oh shit I fucking warned you! The fucking gloves are off baby, and so are the condoms, in exactly what I have been alluding to for months now! I keep talking about how shit is really going to hit the fan with this political stuff in your scene! I (me) pointed out that Punkvoter could hardly get mentioned in any news without ConservativePunk.com being mentioned and that must be pissing them off, and I was showing you signs of where Punkvoter was beginning to crack under the buckling tension! Well now ConservativePunk.com has launched a full frenzy of pathological achievement of the enemy's cerebro!

It all started here baby. In my last post, remember, I found those nasty little quotes said by Fat Mike, Bad Religion, and the Swingin' Utters in some German interview! Quotes too hot to be published in English! Or even Ebonics, or nervous emo kid language stutter!

Well when Nick Rizzuto of ConservativePunk.com read that shit he wrote up a response made of large burning fire and nuclear winter and smacked it up onto the conservativepunk.com homepage!

He responds to each of the quotes (to stuff like "[conservative punks] are equipped with a very low I.Q." and "there are only 10 people like that") and even posted an email he got from freaking Justin Sane of the Anti-Flags! It was not a nice email at all! Justin was all like "When I was in high school we had a name for people like you, 'POSERS!'"

And Nick was all like "Apparently the tax-exempt punks over at that other web site have had a few choice words about us all" and "Slandered by the millionaire tax exempt punks, blacklisted by the scene police and hated by PC thugs...guess we've touched a nerve..."

I told you something like this was coming! Oh fucking yes can you fucking feel that! Each thrust is how I get power!

Move over conservative punks, make room for libertarian punks!
Ladies, gentlemen, and she-male transgenders! It really does exist! LibertarianPunk.com! Their shizzlenut is a little sparse right now niggroes but be patient! You know how these Libertarians are! Actually I don't, I've never met one before!

The website is done by Christopher Monnier of Minneapolis Minnesota! He is totally into Libertarianism (which I'm not sure if it is at all related to Scientology or not) and goes to Libertarian meet-ups! He studies mechanical engineering at the University of Minnesota! I have my good eye on him right now, watching him! Hey Chris, that's me outside your window! No, the other fucking window! Yes! Look at me looking at you! Feel my stare!

The Fireside Bowl in Chicago is closing
This punk landmark is closing and will become a bowling alley! Love and/or leave it!

So now this is your chance, you punkers, to keep the Fireside Bowl open! Why don't you do what you always like to do and that is to get the government to force the place to stay open as a bar and club! You could cite all kinds of socialist punk reasons like "It's for the common good" or maybe that it will keep the kids off the street and from committing crimes! So for the benefit of everyone else, the club owners should just this once have their ownership superceded by the will of righteous punks!

Or do you only do that to rich people?

Something really fucked up happened to me over the weekend and since I don't have enough time to tell you the whole story let me just tell you this, that I no longer trust babies. Yes, that's right, I will never be able to trust babies again. They are fucking liars.

2004-08-21T17:13:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls feels sorry for conservative punks
I really do feel bad for you conservative kids! Listen to what the punk 'intelligentsia' have to say about you!

Fat Mike - "[Conservative punk] is a fucking joke!"

Bad Religion - "[Conservative punks] are no different than Nazi skinheads... if someone calls themself a Punk Rocker, or hears Punk, and has conservative opinions, they are equipped with a very low I.Q."

Danzig - "It is only a joke. No one is interested in it."

Swingin' Utters - "There are only ten people like that. It is a ploy of the media."

And get this! Most of these comments were from interviews published in German! Maybe they don't want you to hear them saying these things if it were printed in English!

But here is why I feel bad for you conservative punks! Because the other punks think you are Nazis! They think you hate gays, blacks, women, animals, and trees! They say mean and spiteful stuff like what you just read above!

But the non-con punks are right about one thing, and it is that being a conservative punk is an absolute contradiction. But it is also a contradiction to be a liberal punk, or even a socialist punk. That's because punk was never about solutions, fat people! Punk was about being hung up on problems like how ugly you are or how much you hate your dad, and then blaming other people in order to excuse the hedonistic savagery that you practice, like destroying other people's property or scaring the shit out of old people, in the name of punk! That's what punk was originally about! It was about giving up!

Sum 41
Sum 41 announced that their new album will be named "CHUCK" in honor of the UN "peackeeper" who helped the band escape a hotel in the African Congo that was being shot up by a bunch of savage jungle terrorists! I talked about this back a few months ago! Here is what I said remember! Oh shit!

My favorite part was when everyone except the band (like some UN volunteers, and even the fucking music video director) went back to the hotel to get the band's bags! If you read the article and slobber over every saucy word like you are some kind of retarded chimp that I fantasize about then you'll infer how scared these kids were and you'll realize how they must have begged and pleaded like hell for the other "unimportant" people to go back to scary hotel swiss cheese wall hell!
...in the distance brave UN peacekeepers donning bright baby blue helmets awaited courageously for the shooting to stop so they could rescue the offensive looking (in that region) kids and then bravely run away through the jungle, kicking up dust as they scatter into the sunset!

I just want you to remember when this record is released in October how the album was named after a UN "peacekeeper" who fled when faced with the actual challenge of keeping the peace! But compared to Sum 41, that fucking guy was Rambo!

Dr. Balls accused of living in "fantasy world"
I received this totally unsaucalicious "electronic mail message" from someone:

Have you finally gotten over the scandal where you think Anti Flag conspired to bring you down by getting you caught in that song stealing conspiracy? In other words are you still living in a fantasy world??

He/She/It is of course talking about the song stealing scandal from several months ago!

Well if George Bush can coordinate a conspiracy involving dozens of White House staff members, hundreds of Pentagon officials, thousands of members of the media, and rich white oil tycoons that spans over a decade and involves several different foreign countries and their respective leaders in a complex web of destructive self-interests, then certainly Anti-Flag can be behind the song stealing scandal as well!

2004-08-16T21:29:00.000-05:00

Ok people I have something to tell you so you all had better pull your pants up. Until election day in the US is finally fucking over and all of this political boner cancelling retterick finally recedes into the wet spot on the bed sheet of your fucking less-effective-than-mine mind, shit is really going to get deep around here. It is going to get so deep and abortionly unkind that it will swallow up even Dr. Balls, no lie nigga!

You may hear some haters trying to hate on me, and that hate may grow so much ever larger and suck the dick out of you like some kind of giant she-milf!

But just keep one thing in mind (if it is at all possible for your mind to retain anything other than that which is immediately gratifying) and that is to remember that these haters also believe in some really fucked up things and each of these things all follow the same theme: They want to fix the world's problems by forcing other people to do certain things! That's right! Just listen to what they say! They are fucking scary!

All Dr. Balls wants to do is to get his built in orgasmatron on and make fun of the occassional indie elitist whose whole music collection is based on trying to out-obscure his 14 year old sister!

It doesn't get any better than this! Oh wait, yes it does, because the end of the world hasn't even happened yet! That is going to be one fierce fucking ride! It will be like a huge fucking hurricane except made of fire and able to split the earth open wide in order to swallow your burning anguished figure as I stand above the methane-fuming chasm doing a special Apocalypse dance and farting!

2004-08-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

I don't understand why some people love animals so much that they won't eat one. I mean, it's not like the damn things are going to heaven! Trust me, I've been in that beautiful fucking place and let me tell you, I've never seen any goddamn animals up there! I think you should all just go ahead and eat the critters all up. In fact I recommend that you eat an animal piece by piece so that it will be alive to watch you eat itself!

2004-08-12T21:15:00.000-05:00

You know how some people's houses have a really strong scent? You know how after you leave a home like that, your farts smell like it? Well that's what this website is like!

Punkvoter
Have you been to punkvoter lately? Is it me or are they starting to sound more and more like a moon landing conspiracy website?

Buddyhead
If you're wondering why Buddyhead suddenly hates Max Bemis of Say Anything well then it's probably because they finally heard this song so don't front like you never had it in that hole before because I can feel how loose it is.

2004-08-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls in the midst of personal reinvention that just might shake the very foundation of said ballsologist's soul!
That's fucking right baby! Kiss my stupid penetrationless holiest of holes and clumsily fall into the future of the world with a brighter and more godlike and gangbang-prone Dr. Balls, raging into full effect guided by an intense and largely juiceful brain that has been numbed over time by a well publicized addiction to milfy porn sluts and their average looking, but curious, best friends! This how Dr. Balls roll, baby! This is why the Dr. is blacker than the average black person! I can do things to your pruney poon, baby, that your boyfriend is too prudish and metrosexual to do while I'm pounding the absolute shit out of it!

Dr. Balls apologizes to musicians
Please accept my apologies, oh wise and intelligent musicians, and trust that I did not mean to offend you to the empty core when I talked about how musicians are somehow inherently "behind the pack", or "not the sharpest knives in the drawer", or "a few inches short of being able to completely satisfy their girlfriends". I actually do love musicians and weird artist people and often invite them to my home a.k.a. the Sanctuary of Ubiquitous Dreams and let them involve themselves in the midst of many of the spontaneous german style orgies that often erupt around me and I just stand there and laugh at how these people are so going to hell! But anyway!

It's just that if you are an overwhelmingly creative person (or 'thing', if you are transgendered) then you must understand that there is something that festers inside your mind (some call it 'the devil', others call it 'cancerous detachment from reality') that keeps you from fully comprehending things and events around you, because they enter your mind via a purple haze and clouds and fuzzy little animals, and they get eaten up by your festering mind shmegma, and out are spat the most wonderful nuggets from the most alternate-reality-living mouths ever on this miserable ending-soon planet!

Kelly Osbourne is going to save rock
Ladies and gentlemen the new music revolution is coming soon. Fuck all these bands that everyone says are the next Nirvana and whatever. Because soon to be released upon the unsuspecting publick is the next Kelly Osbourne album. It is going to fucking redefine music as we know it right now. The talent put into this operation can only be measured in containers no smaller than the containers that George Bush uses to steal oil from peaceful little Arab countries to give to his oil industry cohorts who control him because, assumedly, they must have some sort of secret contract with his texan soul!

Just fucking face it non-believers! Kelly Osbourne is going to do to rock what her father Ozzy did to bats!

2004-08-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls mp3 gift to you, my beloved angel
Say Anything's cover of Damnit by Blink 182
This was from back when Say Anything was called Sayanything and before the juices of the end of the world were not flowing nearly as fast! By the way if you want to eat a real Twinkie then eat a Twinkie that has sauce inside of it!

Propagandhi recording new album soon
I bet that Bush and Ashcroft are already planning some kind of shock and awe search and seizure operation on Propagandhi to keep them from recording! I bet the feds will beat down the doors of the cheap apartments (or apartment) that these guys live in and the feds will wave the Patriot Act right in their face and shut down the recording of the album so that Bush can avoid criticism so that he can continue to invade innocent Arabian nations for their oil and to let his new dad, Dick Cheney, earn no money by giving a contract to a company he no longer works for, right?

2004-08-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls IM conversation with Say Anything's Max Bemis
Dr. Balls: Dear Maxwell,
Dr. Balls: I won't bother wasting your categorically precious time telling you how genuine, although slightly schizophrenic, your new album is!
Dr. Balls: Instead I'll let you in on what I know, from my seemingly infinite reservoir of good taste and good looks!
Dr. Balls: There are certain things that you could have done better on your album and here is what you should have done instead
Max: yesh
Dr. Balls: (1) I don't like the line "I'm the spider, I'm the spider". If I were in charge of the operation I would have changed the line to "I'm the piper, I'm the piper!" Trust me on this one, baby, this is a real money maker I can smell it.
Dr. Balls: (2) Instead of labeling track 5 "Yellow cat (slash) Red cat" you should have just used the actual slash character, like "Yellow cat/Red cat". I firmly (so firmly) believe that the shortened title would make the cd jacket cheaper to produce because it will require .8% less brown ink! You could have made a deal with Doghouse Reckerds that you would save them money producing the cd by shortening the title if they gave you an extra couple of points on the money the cd earns! You could have been a fucking millionaire, but what do I know, right Max, beyond Thunderdome?
Dr. Balls: (3) Instead of re-recording "I want to know your plans" since it was better the last time, you could have written a freaking song about asynchronous sex antagonism you know what that is don't you!
Dr. Balls: (4) The cover of the cd would have looked so much better if, instead of having the big long Pinocchio nose, there was a big long penis shaft. You could have it cover the length of the cover so you don't see the base or the tip so that people won't be quite sure if it is a penis or not, but when you open it the cd inside will have emblazened on it a drawing of a saggy sack of fuzzy balls with flies buzzing around it!
Max: what you dont know is it is a penis
Max: my penis is actually wooden

Dr. Balls conversation with thescout.net guy
Dr. Balls: Death Cab signed, didn't they Chief Killing Moon!
Kevin: No... not yet
Dr. Balls: I heard they signed to a major, although the guy who told me I think is transgendered
Kevin: haha.. No they have not..
Dr. Balls: I trust you more than anyone, you brave soul
Kevin: why thank you doctor

2004-08-02T21:11:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen an alien and looked it straight into its fucking face! Well I have! It is awesome! I hate, I mean love, those insensitive fucks!

So anyway how were you! I am savoring in my own sauces right now in a place I call "Juiceland" which is my windowless shame of a room which is commonly referred to and often defined by in dictionaries and that is something like a bedroom of some sorts. The place usually becomes a hotspot for the commotion that usually happens when I, Dr. Balls, equipped with my brain Nugget, tango with half a dozen or so lezbots, several of their sexually reckless metro boys, and some transgendered freak as the referee, and sauces get mixed! They really do!

My email to Taking Back Sunday
Dear Taking Back Sundays,
I just want to thank you, sincerely, for everything you have done to possibly try to ruin quite possibly my career! I am a one thousand year old creature beast from the Antarctic tundra and I'm coming to push your buttons and get juice out of you! I had gone to your website -- you know, where you have a giant picture of a naked little boy's ass -- when in walks my idiot assistant Mr. Fingers and he sees the naked assage, and although I clicked to another window really quick, he still saw it, and then he went to the authorities and bammo I have some whackjob cop grilling me in my formidable office about chid porno! Luckily I was able to explain myself out of that sticky jam and got back to my closed-door good times where trousers are not required but vaseline is, and the least you could have done was to have put a picture of some milf's naked ass on the album cover instead!

Wrestlemania XI starring Finch versus Disturbed
The nu-metal vs. nu-emo war has claimed its latest victims! This time it was music that wrestling fans listen to versus music you hear at Target! It happened right there on stage! Finch acts like they were targeted, well of course because the Finch guitarist farking said "I'd shoot him in the fucking head. I'd rip his stupid little piercings out" about the Disturbed singer in an interview two years ago!

One of the Finch's dads was there and almost rumbled too, did you know that!

It's too bad they didn't get some girls involved so they could have made love instead of war and had some kind of all out ugly love-in right there on stage! I love it when I see people doing that because it makes me think, dude, they are totally going to hell!

2004-07-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

Say Anything frontman issues warning to Bush supporting fans: fuck off!
If you like the band Say Anything and you support George W. Bush then the band's frontman Maxwell Bemis has a fucking message for you: "anyone who supports or votes for george bush is not allowed to like my band"! He also said "i didnt write the music for you or any of your murdering friends to march in a line to"! That's because "bush is like hitler". Yes, it's all in the Say Anything news section, beasts!

A day or so later Maxwell retracted his direct order that you not like his band and said "i am EXAGERATING. you can DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. its a FREE COUNTRY." But he added "HOWEVER you should know that i THINK YOU ARE A FUCKING TOOL."

This wouldn't be a big deal except, contrary to what is believed by musicians and people who run internet punk/rock news sites, there actually are Bush supporting punk fans. For several weeks your warm friend and ancestral hero Dr. Balls here has been enacting a study about political preferences in your scene (if I were a riot grrl or from the year 2199 then I'd be allowed to spell that "yr scene") and, although I cannot yet release the results, I can say with confidence that the percent of conservative minded punk fans is somewhere around 1/3 of all fans! Maybe a lot of fans already know this but this should come as a shock to the peeps in the scene, with bazooka testes!

Just wait for me, ol' "Mr. Saucalicious", to release the results of the poll! It's going to piss some people off, and others will just keep signing my guestbook and calling me "misinformed" for the thousandth fucking time but let me tell you about misinformation bucko, it comes directly from the heart! That's right, fuck the heart! You don't need it! They've been feeding you lies, now it's time to remove that cotton pickin thing, much to your own chagrin!

This is why you read this shit! You fucking love it! Let it get into your life baby!

Get Up Kids will spend the rest of their career denying they were ever emo
I was reading this interview and I was wondering, have you ever read an interview in which the Get Up Kids didn't talk about emo and deny they were ever emo to begin with?

"We didn’t set out to be an emo band... Even now, we don’t set out to write songs that would be classified as emo. If they are, whatever. We don’t really care what anyone calls us. We’re just trying to put out good music..." yawn! Yawn! Fucking yawn! We already know! You used to be emo, now you aren't, so what! Is someone accusing them of being emo, I mean "emo"? Get Up Kids, get off the emo-denial bus and get back on the Punkvoter bus! And make sure you sit in the front, where the black people sit!

2004-07-21T22:13:00.000-05:00

Dr. Balls has the life juices sucked out!
Recent events have sucked my will to live and there is very little, except maybe the thought of the impending apocalypse and wet dream all rolled into one, that makes me want to get out of my rompous bed in the morning, ever since I've been unfairly wrapped up in this new sick disgusting kiddie porn scandal! That's right, you heard me! It's a bitch of a story so you'd better listen up fag holes!

In Dr. Balls' never ending quest to become better informed in your scene so that I can tell you what to think, Dr. Balls was on a website that had this picture which all of us have somehow seen during the past month, especially since it's been all over the freaking place:

Now for some unsaucalicious reason someone reported me to the authorities (if I lived in the US and I were punk then I would refer to them simply under the catch-all term "Ashcroft") claiming that this picture of Ed Reyes (the fat 36 year old) as a naked little boy was somehow kiddie porn! The police busted me right here at the world renowned Sack Institute in front of all my down syndrome colleagues! Over a little kid's ass!

Since then there has ensued a 36 hour period of constant embarrassment and boner-cancelling memories-in-the-making and sucking the tits of your hormonally confused father! So fear not, Dr. Balls groupies, Dr. Balls is still in the game so come on over and I'll introduce you to the Dr. Balls Official Gangbang Posse and let the ensuing smells take the best of us!

Dr. Balls chatting to ex-singer of From First To Last
Dr. Balls: Does the band [From First To Last] have the same agent or publicist as The Used?
Phil: nope
Phil: we have the same,kathi
Dr. Balls: I was wondering if their agent or pubicist was the same, because the one for The Used was who convinced Burt to go out with Kelly, so he could get into hell, a.k.a. the Osbourne tv show, to get national exposure!
Phil: yeah
Phil: nah but fftl and hftb have the same
Dr. Balls: Well if Bush can coordinate a conspiracy involving dozens of White House staff members, hundreds of Pentagon officials, thousands of members of the media, and rich white oil tycoons that spans over a decade and involves several different foreign countries in a complex web of destructive interests, then certainly there is a Bert-Osbourne conspiracy as well!

Dr. Balls chatting to ex-member of No Delay (from song stealing scandal)
thrubeingcool08: the 2 guitarists (myself included) quit, and so now the bassist and drummer are in their own band called "runaway"
thrubeingcool08: www.purevolume.com/runaway
thrubeingcool08: real gay name for real gay kids
Dr. Balls: Runaway! To a far away land! And cherish the land! Eat from its hand! Tomorrow will suck! The will pain away! And although I inlay! I keep the fucking gay!
thrubeingcool08: that didnt make sense

2004-07-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome, ladies and metrosexuals, to what is probably the greatest website of all fucking time! The pride that this website gives me, Dr. Balls, is ammunition enough to fuel my motorized wheelchair, thereby reducing my dependency on foreign oil but not -- I repeat, NOT -- on an indulgent appetite for a saucalicious mixture of the sweet green nectar of life, a.k.a. the pot, and my collection of porno pictures upon which I have glued the face of Saddam Hussein over the faces of the men!

When I'm not busy submitting news to absolutepunk.net under the auspicious name of Hal E. Burton and trying to misspell as many of the important details as possible, I'm asphyxiating the smellful art cheese usually passed off as the shmegma you call 'this election year totally piss ass politicized will-you-just-shut-the-fuck-up-please music' because I am so sick of what you musicians think we ought to know about what you think! The reason people listen to music is to escape this Matrix-like reality completely run unbeknownst to us all (except the Punkvoters) by rich white men who apparently aren't rich enough so they steal money from the most likely source, the poor! Unless you have already dedicated your band to a political cause, like the Anti-Flags or the Pennywisers, then don't pollute your otherwise non-political music with blowjob after blowjob of 'war for oil scandal' savorlessness!

I'm not even from America! I live in Antarctica baby! Where every day is like heaven and every second is like pleasure being beamed directly into your soul from Jesus in outer space with the aliens that suck! And don't talk to me about your civil liberties being violated, because here in Antarctica our gangbangs are limited to law to 30 men max per 1 slut! Talk about living under a fascist regime! But the people are rising up and revolting and we hope to pass a constitutional amendment that will extend the number of men to 100 per 1 slut! Hey, it's a start! Power to the people!

2004-07-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

I can't wait for the earth to be flat again!

2004-07-15T17:22:00.000-05:00

Kelly Osbourne to star in tv show as a down syndrome baby

Anarchist punks arrested by "the man"
Anarchist delinquent punks arrested by overzealous police -- They all lose but we win!

It's the classic story of loud, obnoxious punks getting arrested by self aggrandizing small town police, a.k.a. the kind of story that makes me wish a vagina was built into my hand because it would make things so much easier!

In this story there is an anarchist anti-everything hardcore band called Creations End who were oh so innocently playing really loud music really late at night in a suburban neighborhood in the Lawrenceville, Georgia area. Then the cops came to bust it up. But since punks are, by nature, a mixture of hedonism and paranoia, they think they should be able to annoy their neighbors without being oppressed or whatever the fuck, so they started mouthing off to the cops! "Fuck cops, fuck capitalism!" is what their singer Gene said, as if capitalism had anything to do with it! You see this is why Dr. Balls is here, so that trash like this doesn't get away with it!

So then it got funnier because the cops went into Terminatah mode and ordered the kids outside, sometimes dragging them and handcuffing a couple of the band members! Then the punks, paranoid in nature, immediately started with their conspiracy theories: "Are you arresting him for freedom of speech?" Yes, quality jerk off material!

Sometime during all of this, one of the band members must have struck a cop because in addition to being busted for noise pollution and charged for disorderly conduct they are going to be charged with battery on an officer. Despite all this, if you read what the band wrote, you'd think they were innocent little kids! Yea, this kids are really innocent, especially the one with the satanic goat tatoo on his fucking neck!

My favorite part of this story is when they complain about how the cops used profanity. "...they used extremely loud profanity as a lot of the kids there were underage..." I wonder what kind of profanity they are talking about. Could it be different from the lyrics of any Creations End song? Maybe the Creations End lyrics like "Do whatever you have to do just to be fucking heard", "We don't own this fucking soil", "Fuck this terrorist hype", or "Wake the fuck up"? Oh yea that's right! Dr. Balls just took you down you insane freaks! Don't let the large stone door hit your flabby ass on the way out of the underground lair where I just raped your mind with hell infested sanitary napkins and made you look like a total ass in front of your whole scene! Hang your head in shame boys, Dr. Balls is your new daddy!

2004-07-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome yourselves to the website of Dr. Balls from Antarctica City, Antarctica where common sense is the buttocks of illusion! It is so beautiful that we have to import smog just so people have something to complain about! It was all predicted by the Bible a long time ago baby! I'm not the one to talk to about this but if you'd like I can provide you with a long list of names who have contributed to the making of the biggest porno ever created and I don't even care which loveless galaxy you are talking about!

Remember how I used to say that what your scene really needs is more pot? Well it is finally happening, gorgeous!

Dr. Balls suggests unused band names
Did you know that there is on average 5.6 bands per person on the planet! And that's even counting the dirtworshipping tribal peoples, many of whom have yet to discover the ultimate joy of completely mind numbing porny movies! If you are in a band then snatch up these band names before they are taken too, because time has become so dangerously short! As you can see there are not many left?

* The AIDS
* The Haliburtons
* May Cause Anal Leakage
* The Dead Ramones
* Uncircumsized Uncle
* The Milfy Hookers
* Good Burger
* The Festive Earning Holliglances

2004-07-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

I went to see that crazy new movie Farenheit 9/11 yesterday! It was a great movie! I loved it! I liked the way it was presented as if it were a documentary. It almost seemed real! Except it obviously wasn't! And it was funny as hell! I just love to hear about oil conspiracies! Now let's get this started and let me indoctrinate your empty brains with fuckage!

Alternative Tentacles defending suspicious art project
So I went to the Alternative Tentacles website (AT is the record label and moist media mouthpiece of Jella Biafro) to read what sort of criminals they are trying to defend today and I came up with a doozy!

In a post titled "Ashcroft mistakes Performance Art for Bioterror" AT talks about how a performance art group is being investigated by the FBI (not Ashcroft, by the way, although people love to attach his name to every federal misdeed) for some "art" of theirs which was mistaken for a biological weapons laboratory! This is a fucking great story! (It has temporarily made me forget about how much I want someone to suck the farts out of the asses of The Sack Institute Social Development Committee and blow them back into their faces!) AT is out there saying that these "artists" have no dangerous intentions and the FBI is wrongly still investigating the case, and AT is right, but there is a lot more that they're not telling you!

I'm no FBI agent but I think anyone who meets the following criteria would arouse a certain level of suspicion that, if suspicion were a tangible item, it would resemble a very long and veiny penile:

The "art" is meant to educate the public about biotechnology. But it includes chemicals such as ethanol and protein-based cultures which are ingredients for chemical weapons!
The "art" also includes equipment for handling chemicals and electronic equipment for mixing and storing chemicals!
All of this equipment is stored in a mobile chemical lab that they drive around the country!
On top of that the group that is doing this, Critical Art Ensemble, is associated with anarchists and other groups that plan to use mischief and vandalism to counteract the "rising intensity of authoritarian culture"!

So do you see what I see! Do you see what I see! Way up in the sky! This is why I don't trust these messed up punks like Jella Biafro who are constantly doing to their intelligence with their tongues what is usually done to the puss!

2004-06-29T21:47:00.000-05:00

What a strange day it has been, my freaky crooked-truck-driver-hat friends! I almost killed myself today! Yes, it was very strange indeed! You see, I was watching MTV and all of its cum stained depresso-rock and it nearly drove me off the deep end a.k.a. the steep cliff at the end of sanity which leads to self inflicted dying and stuff! And to make it worse, interspersed within the depresso-rock were fucking offsensive retro-80s british ass pussies! All of this fagulation made me go crazy -- not crazy Jella Biafro style but crazy in a Kurt Cobain shotgun sandwich way! So I put the steel barrel of Farmer Jeb's large shotgun in my piehole and prepared to pull da trig when out of the fucking blue my phone rings! So I picked it up and on the other end was my worthless fucking assistant Mr. Fingers, the fatherless fuck, and it somehow snapped me back to reality once again where I once again became overjoyed once again as I berated Fingers about every embarassing detail of his life and reminded him once again how I bopped his wife up the butt that one night when he went to see fucking Nickelback in concert, and she enjoyed it so much that she let me tattoo my John Hancock in big sloppy letters on her so very fat ass cheeks ("DR BALLS" across the top of those cellulite cheeks and "WUZ HERE" across the bottom) for him to stare at every fucking day for the rest of his miserable and unenviable fatherless life!

More on why musicians are stupid!
Aversion.com's interview with Down To Earth Approach further explains, unintentionally, why musicians and other entertainers are so brain fucked and are constantly giving blowjobs to their intelligence! In the interview the columnist describes how much the music scene is based on 'who you know'. It is, it is mostly true. It is even more true for artists and actors. So don't you see what kind of alternate reality these people live in? A lot of them have never earned a single fucking thing in their life!

This applies a lot less to underground bands, but just watch a band blow up big and become rich and their brains became simple blowjob machines!

Not that there's anything wrong with this! I think these people are allowed to since they can get away with it! I already talked about how entertainers contribute nothing to civilized progress and can fall off the face of the earth and the world will still spin on as if it hadn't skipped a single faggotless beat (until you know when)! It's fine if that's what you want to do but you have to understand that you're in a totally different universe and the entertainment business rules do not apply in the real world! It's why I just don't have confidence in these people!

Take this Max Bemis guy from Say Anything. After I interviewed him I felt a sacred bond of trust with him which garnered respect and an almost faggotlike yearning. But I will never take serious advice from the guy! I'm going to buy his CD with the large wooden nose on it when it comes out and I'm going to listen to it in my office at the world renowned Sack Institute and I will smoke my everloving brains out while listening to it but if there is any song about war for oil or about forests being replaced by housing developments then I'm not going to take one bit of it seriously!

4/18 commission finally hands down ruling, and Dr. Balls gets screwed in the black ass!
It took them 35 days but they finally did it, they finally chose to stick it to me and not even have the decency of spitting on it first!

So my punishment for causing farces on the internet is 20 hours of community service! I asked them if this website could count, since it is such a service for you confused fucking animals, but they said no! I wish someone would suck the farts out of their asses and blow them back into their faces!

2004-06-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Did you know, gorgeous, that there is now a new day that has become Dr. Balls' favorite most anticipated day, even more than the end of the world a.k.a. the masturbation-fest that will happen during the apocalypse? Well now I'm most looking forward to November 2, 2004. It is high on my wish list because I just want to fucking get it over with already. "Get what over?" This fucking American presidential election, a.k.a. the most political piece of fucking garbage election ever! I'm so sick of talking about it, will you people stop shoving shit in each other's faces over this! What the fuck is the big deal! Do you realize that you're squabbling over some of the most trivial shit! Bush is not an incompetent person, and this John Kerry guy is not some left-of-Lenin whacko like some of you niggers want to believe!

I've felt bad for Kerry since that Philly cheesesteak incident when he ordered the wrong kind of cheese, because he's never eaten one of them things before (at Kerry's mansion in Taxachusetts there is no food that you have to eat with your hands) and he held the freaking sloppy thing like it was the word 'emo' or something!

Dr. Balls calls "political" punk by its true name
Can we please start using the right term for this kind of punk! Can we please start calling it socialist punk because that's what it really is!

Do you see what is happening? Some stupid band can write fast, angry songs about how they want to force rich people to pay for their health care and all of a sudden they're a "political" band! And people fawn all over them and let drool slime out of their moufs and say "hey these guys know a lot about politics"! No, they're just socialists!

At the same time some guy in Texas plays some twangy shit about how he proud he is of his country and wants to kill terrorists and his music gets labelled "country music"! Not political country music! (Right now I am hating these socialists punks for making me write about country music and I will make sure that not a single one of those looney bin spiked hair pyscho rejects from the 70s are going to make it through the apocalypse, I can guarantee that to you)

Most of these fucking freak punkers try to pass themselves off as liberal but they are fucking lying! Or they'll call themselves "progressive" which is the lamest, most undefinitioned word since "indie"!

Masturbatorial praise, fallout from Dr. Balls "Why musicians are dumb" post

Dr. Balls I totally know what you meant about musicians not being the 'sharpest knives in the drawer'. I can attest to that because I deal with musicians often. It comes with the territory I guess, even more so with the genius types.
--
i'm sick of these radical punks too, they need to shut the fuck up and sing godamnit, sing!
--
...your so called 'socialist' bands are alot smarter than the other stupid masses of sheep who are dumbed down by all the shit going on in this world.
--
I'm in a band and I know alot more than you Dr Balls. Alot more. So go back to talking about "emo".. There I put it in quotes you fuck, how do you like that???

2004-06-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

All out nuclear war on the brink in savage war between liberal punks and conservative punks!
Right now as we are speaking I am looking into my magical glass balls conveniently set here upon my desk made of crustified dinosaur dung dug up from deep within the mountains of Antarctica a.k.a. my backyard, and in said balls I see a future that is so soon and is full of back-and-forth internet squabbling liberal-vs.-conservative issues almost to the point where the entire punk scene (actually it's an emo-punk scene but I'm the only being, or person, who dare uses such a defined and therefore utterly frightening 3 letter word) will simply implode like your mom's garbage plate!

Have you noticed how Punkvoter cannot be written about without conservativepunk.com and sometimes Punkvoter Lies also being mentioned? I can picture Fat Mike looking all non-fat (but greasey) grimmacing while reading all these articles that keep reminding him (and sometimes upstaging him) about things he doesn't want to be reminded about, like maybe things like this:

"...it's possible that, among the music fans who are engaged by such things, conservativepunk.com may cancel out punkvoter.com."

Actually Fat Michael did let a little steam go in this interview with Punktastic.com:

PUNKTASTIC– What are your views on conservativepunk.com [a Republican offshoot of Punkvoter]?

FAT MIKE – It’s a fucking joke!

Dr. Balls not always defender of emo
I, unlike anyone else on the internet, will defend emo and pop punk, even when it is not original and kind of hokey as long as there is even a tiny bit of value to be earned from it. But I will never defend this crap.

2004-06-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

It's me baby, Dr. Balls, and I know how much better this site makes you feel because who else talks about this shit that I talk about, and who else isn't afraid to tell you that you'd better enjoy these mp3s because after this summer they just might be the only things you have left!

- MP3s -

Bats & Mice - Hallway

the Energy - Curse Me

the Fullblast - All I Need Is A Jetpack and Some Rollerskates

Hello Nurse - Quit Sand (Tempted)

In Clover - All Of Anything

Maximillian Colby - Sifelaver

New Found Glory - Whiskey Rose | Constant Static

Onelinedrawing - We Had A Deal

Respirav - Delicate Killer

Rockets And Bluelights - A Smashed Piano

Say Anything - A Walk Through Hell | That's That

Dr. Balls remembers Sean McGrath
You all know about how Sean McGrath, former bass player of Saves the Day, recently passed away from cancer. Make no mistake about this guy, he is responsible for the emo/hardcore punk sound that swept the underground the past 5 years. In case you didn't know, Sean named the band (Chris Conley's band) "Saves the Day", changing it from "Sefler" (which supposedly means someone who fantasizes about sexing it up with Santa Claus (not to be confused with Whoopi Goldberg from my favorite 1 star movie of all time "Call Me Claus")). And if it weren't for this name change, Saves the Day would never have exploded on the scene because who would have taken seriously a band named Sefler!

Hey guess what? My favorite story about Saves the Day just happens to involve Sean! I guess it happened right before he left the band and I guess tensions were a little high and the muck was slippery! The whole bling is recounted in an interview by ex-drummer Bryan who later left the band after he went mad cow:

Interviewer: What was your worst show experience?

Bryan: We've had a couple. The worst was definitely in New York City at a club called Brownie's. The first time we played there it was amazing. The second time was with Ink and Dagger, and by the way at the time we were sort of at odds with Sean. We started playing, and there was no guitar, or vocals coming out of the speakers. All you could hear was the bass and drums, so Chris (who had had a really bad day) started screaming at the sound guy. And, it was Ted's first show, so he was messing up left and right. David's guitar kept going really out of tune, so Sean went over to David's amp and unplugged the chord, in the middle of a song, so David flipped him off, on Conguitar wouldn't stay in tune, he dropped it or something before the show. It felt like a fucked up nightmare or something that wouldn't end, and it didn't, 'cause when we went into "Jodie", which starts out with that intro, you know. . . David's guitar wasn't working, so we played the intro for probably four minutes, it was horrible.

International Noise Conspiracy, lovers of the socialism cock, now want to live under a "communist moon"
There's this old quote some US president said about not wanting to live under a communist moon and the band International Noise Conspiracy has turned it into some sort of anthem for commies just them floating through the bowels of a bunch of kids at the local Food Brouhaha who all had At The Drive In fros!:

From Coachella 2004 show review:
"Under a Communist Moon" is a "We Are the World" for, you guessed it, communists. And it's pretty darn catchy. The lyrics for the chorus: "Someday we'll share our dreams (repeat 3 times or so)/ Under a communist moon".

Yes! Bring it on baby! Fucking communism! And add a police state on top of that too because that's what it takes to make it happen, because people will fucking hate it! If it's so fucking great then why aren't Americans emmigrating to communist countries!

I already told you about how these musicians have brains that are merely shells that they give blowjobs to! Usually what I do is I listen to what some musician has to say about some issue, and then I can be assured that the exact opposite position is the correct one! You know what? I'm the best fucking doctor of ballsology in the world and I've earned every single one of my million publes (Antarctican currency) and I'm not going to let these lazy fucking retro-rock socialists get my money that is fucking mine and I need to fund my extravagent world infamous gangbang barbecue parties for all the rich and famous people I know who like to do things that will damn themselves to hell and I just laugh!

Anti-Flag caught writing the word "womyn"!
I am chronically engulfed in the daily tour diary of Anti-Flag who I think has for now suspended all covert smear assaults against me while they tour what is heaven for them a.k.a. socialist Europe. But yes, the punker Justin Sane who writes the diary, I guess he is one of those "womyn"-word-users! You know, I have to agree with him on this one! I think this is a good idea! I have always held the belief that "man" is so despicable that he should have no part of a woman and should get his fucking 'a' out of there RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Dr. Balls fires back at spam company with threat of post-death humiliation!
An actual message sent to some company with no name but the very normal website name http://droopy.bnbxzv56e.com and I whois'ed the address and found out that fucking Yi Chang of bumblefuck China is responsible for all the faggotry:

From: DR. Fucking Testicules BALLS

Dear Yi Chang you gorgeous piece of beautiful fuckface:

IMPORTANT! Please read! Not a viagra rip off advertisement, so don't worry!
----------------------------------------
So guess what gays! I got this email from one of your friends, YOU KNOW, "Kendra Sawyer" who was replying to some fucking email I never sent and telling me "I want to see you again" and this hot fucking boob babe had YOUR WEBSITE as a link!

So thank you for signing up? SIGNING UP FOR WHAT YOU ASK! Yes baby, from now on I'm going to include you on the Dr. Balls freaking kick ass piece of shit newsletter that just so happens will be emailed to your stupid fucking inbox every single hour to you and every member of your stupid family, 10 times an hour, every day until you fucking die. And even in death a newsletter will be delivered to your grave and piss will be pissed into the soil where over many years residue of piss will slowly seep through the soil into your cheap ass coffin so that my stain will never leave you for all eternity, baby!

Dr. Balls

2004-06-17T21:14:00.000-05:00

Emo loses its quotation marks!
Are you people smart enough (a.k.a. not dumb) to notice how music columnists and other people I don't trust are using quotations marks around the word "emo" less and less? It looks like I finally got my fucking point through? Or maybe it was that I threatened to use the word "indie" in quotes? Because "indie" really is a stupid word and deserves to be so faggotlessly caressed under the moonlight by those fantastically ugly twin chubby double tick marks?

But instead of acting like the reader doesn't know what emo is these people are instead letting loose little virtual air biscuits of highfalutin patronization and actually writing the word emo without quotes! I must have finally gotten my message across! Thank you, you annoying elitist psuedo-intellectual indie rock columnists!

Dr. Balls exposes why musicians are so stupid!
You know what I'm talking about! These people who play in bands aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer, you know! The same goes for most of the entertainment industry!

It pretty much all boils down to this, and that is this: The entertainment industry contributes nothing to society! They really don't! So they can afford to be idiots and socialists and scientologists and are good examples of bad behavior! This goes for rock stars, punk bands, comedians, actors, MTV VJs, and news anchors! Pretty much anyone who doesn't need a college education but just needs to look pretty or cool and pretty much gets paid to pretend things. Even the night shift janitor at the McDonald's cleaning up Dr. Balls's jackrabbit urinal beatoff product is more purposeful! You could argue that some of the entertainment professions are at least constructive but just put it this way: If all the stupid socialist punk bands and enviro-crazy actors suddenly dropped off the earth, life would still go on!

So you see these people can inherently learn nothing meaningful from their jobs! They will meet a lot of people and may read a lot of books but that doesn't mean shit nigger! That's also why a lot of you young high school and college kids are just as whacked! Because you probably haven't yet done anything constructive with your lives, so you sit around your sleep stenched dorm rooms and bitch about how you want the government to force other people to pay your tuition!

Things the music industry should do to speed up its descent into oblivion
Things are getting ruff in the industry baby! And if I were the industry and I wanted to speed up my terrible collapse then these are the fucking things I would do:

1. Do not invest in internet downloading.
2. Keep pumping time and money into enhanced cds so that you can sell the same amount of cds but at a higher cost of production.
3. Keep putting out grunge music. For 15 years.
4. Sign more cheap sounding garage rock star wannabe bands from New York and LA and fucking offensive 80s-sounding british bands as a desperate attempt to replace emo and remove all emotion from music, just like the 80s butt raping my ears all over again!

Anti-Punkvoter compilation update!
The fucking "Real Rock Against Fat Wreck" compilation project is in high gear baby! There is now 1 band (named Ruba Say & the Cosmic Rays) signed up! And there is no release date yet! Yes!

2004-06-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

News Flash: Punk labels and artists disappointed with John Kerry as presidential candidate
Doug "Elfie" Elfman at reviewjournal.com wrote an article about your now politicized scene baby yeah! (Hey I didn't politicize it, you know who did and it wasn't me!) Fucking listen! Elfman quotes his "sources at punk labels" suggesting that John Kerry "just isn't charismatic, isn't a liberal"! Now you know which punk labels he's talking about right? Maybe the very vocally anti-Bush ones that Elfman just so happens to talk about in some of his other articles, like Fat Wreck and Epitaph?

Then he talks about his recent chats with liberal musicians Dashborg Confessional and Jewel and how even during deep political discussions neither mentioned John Kerry at all. It is so juiceless! ("Juiceless" is when you are alone with some milfy slut and you're about to make the money shot when you realize your juices done run all out because you've wasted it all in too many "anticipation beat off" sessions ever since the juicy creature answered your personal ad!)

You see, this is what I've been talking about! You people are so wrapped up in Bush-hate that you forgot to be for anybody! I've been warning you people that's not the way to get rid of your president! I've tried helping you but oh well fuck me in the frowning brownie so that's why! And in the hardened substitute of the matters you yearned puffalump!

Dr. Balls uncovers strange new language!
I've been getting emails with strange subjects that I don't understand, and I think it's part of a whole new language, and I'm getting emails with subjects like fucking:
"byronic shirt corrugate"
"Mcgaughy Domicile: Basis Point Process"
"alkaloid grope"
"Re: parody charcoal"
"Re: dependent peste"
"around 4512 and"
"UHere is a present she will like celery"
"stalactite clodhoppers related to 83"

Does anyone understand this? Is it some sort of new dialect, kind of like what I call 'black people talk'? Or even 'nervous emo kid nasal talk'?

2004-06-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

Jello Biafra and Reagan Week: Dr. Balls recounts 1980s in book excerpt that will make you want to get greased
This week has been freaking hilarious because it has become what I have dubbed "Reagan's Week" and I'm sure it must be driving Jella Biafro just plain stir fucking crazy! You see, most of you probably don't know about the stuff that happened in the 80's during the error of Dead Kennedys punk, baby! It was hellacious, which is to say that it was one constant hard on of a decade for Dr. Balls! The only way to describe it is to share with you an excerpt from my now currently out of print book titledThe Life and Times of Dr. Balls Volume 13 (©1993 Sack Publishing):

The collapse of the late-70s/early-80s disco gangbang scene left me creatively lost and seeking for something fresh and new with which to exploit its perverseness and laugh at how other people are definitely going to hell and I'm not.

In 1983 I found punk. It was so weird and the people were ugly -- on purpose -- and that was all because they felt they were naturally ugly so they made themselves worse to offend the good looking people. So what got me interested in punk was the music because there was something raw in it that hadn't been heard since rock and roll was invented (back when you were lucky if it took 3 months to get a handjob from your girlfriend). But these punkers believed in some of the weirdest things! They were afraid of the government! They thought they were oppressed and it made them hate the president, the police, their teachers, their parents, and even large businesses and rich people!

At the center of punk paranoia a.k.a. "Jello's disease" (an incurable mental disease) was Jello Biafra of the Dead Kennedys. When he told people that Reagan was going to make the world end I got really excited! I was like, all right, finally! Jello said Reagan was stupid, he was an asshole, he was racist, he was conspiring with corporations to enslave the world as slave labor to rich white christian men, he was a moron, and he was going to blow up the world! The world was going to end! It was so believable especially when you yourself are actively seeking something exactly similar to happen!

So a few years went by and I was like, so is it the end yet? The world was still there, not turned into a garden of mushroom clouds, nor were many people living in complete slum conditions and completely controlled by corporations! Well the punkers seemed to think this was happening and that you would not see it on the news because there was a "government-media conspiracy"! Wowza!

Do you see? Then when George H. W. Bush was president the same thing happened again, but it was a government-oil conspiracy! Then with Clinton it was a government-corporation conspiracy! How did Jella know about so many conspiracies? I don't know? Oh wait, yes I do know? And it is something with a name that starts with "holes in the brain" and ends in "masturbation"!

That's why I don't buy into this punkvoter stuff! They've brought back the government-oil conspiracy! And the end of the world crap! Let me tell you something! If the end of the world is going to come then it will do so at my bidding because I can do it with a lovely brown note played through the awesome seventh horn of the apocalypse which I am thinking about getting converted into a tuba, to make the end of the world note played on it much, much deeper to really drive the point home that it is the end of the world and there will be no more fucking around!

Did you hear that some Americans want to put Reagan on the US $10 bill? Now imagine this: At Jella Biafro's funeral, where they will mourn the death of someone whose insane ideas have melted into obscurity without having even the benefit of being a footnote in history, the eulogists will dig deep to find positive things to recount about Jella and taking things he did like staging a die-in at Neiman Marcus where the people dressed as nuclear war victims and they'll try to turn it into something that actually meant something, and meanwhile the flowers that adorn the funeral hall will have been bought with money bearing the face of Ronald Reagan, whose presidential smile will remind everyone how, no matter what shady things he did, he still freed millions of more people than Jella ever wanted to!

2004-06-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

Jello Biafra's music media mouthpiece mocks death of Ronald Reagan
In a news nugget from Alternative Tentacles titled "What do you want, Ronald Reagan?" (I think he's too dead to want anything, Mr. David Adelson the IIIrd!) Alternative Tentacles pulled a semen soaked zinger from their metaphorics by saying "In the spirit of Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live, 'This just in: Ronald Reagan is still dead.'" Wow, not even the cold hand of death (preceded by years of physical and mental deterioration) can stop Jello Biafra's hate for a politician who did not end up causing the end of the world exactly unlike what Jello was constantly bitching about during the entire 1980s! I'm just telling it like it is baby!

Speaking of Jello Biafra a.k.a. Mr. Everything Is The End Of The Fucking World Mr. Pudding Pop Jr., read him recount sick stories of classic displays of Mr. Biafra taunting and heckelling other people and saying some really twisted shit, and the interviewer is in complete awe of this man who named his band Dead Kennedys to mock 2 very important men in American politics who were tragically and brutally murdered:

Jello Biafra: ...DEAD KENNEDYS in front of the Republican convention in Dallas in 1984. They had just renominated your friend and mine Ronald Reagan, the man who made the rust belt rusty, and all these smug Republicans were filing out of the convention hall, so I got the whole crowd to yell "fuck off and die" at them, over and over again. They skittered away to their hotel rooms pretty fast. The same day, some other protesters had conducted a die-in at the flagship store of Niemann-Marcus, walking in dressed like nuclear war victims and passing out in the aisles.

Interviewer: That's pretty cool!

A die-in? Wow, what a great yet totally suck fucking idea! This guy is obsessed with death! If death were a tangible object and shaped like a dildo then it would be gouged up Jello's heiney hole, replacing whatever the hell is up there right now!

Music festival to counter non-existent racism cancelled
The Love Music Hate Racism festival has been flushed down the can because one of the bands, The Libertines, can't make it. I guess the "Nazis" win this one! Because apparently Nazis are "mainstream"! And they must be driven "into oblivion" by these girls!

Anti-Punkvoter compilation in the works
So I get this email from this group calling themselves Real Rock Against Fat Wreck and they are trying to put out a CD to counter the Fat Wreck Chords/Epitaph Records/Jello Biafra "axis of weasel". They said, "This CD will be the answer to Fat Wreck's Rock against Bush CD... You are receiving this email because you are involved in the music scene, and we thought you might be interested in becoming part of the REAL ROCK AGAINST FAT WRECK project." I decided to sign up to their mailing list just to keep up with whatever the hell this is going to be! Would you like french fries with that face? Or perhaps you would prefer "freedom fries"?

2004-06-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

The Sum 41s evacuated from Congo by courageously retreating UN "peacekeepers"
By now you've probably heard how Sum 41 (Tim Armstrong's kids' band) were in the worst possible hellhole on earth right now a.k.a. the African Congo, and they were in some hotel while the place was getting shot up, and the UN peacekeeping force took solid resolute action by standing around and doing nothing, and when there was a break in the shooting the UN rescued the Sum 41s out of the building and brought them to a nearby UN compound. But the band forgot to bring their bags!

My favorite part was when everyone except the band (like some UN volunteers, and even the fucking music video director) went back to the hotel to get the band's bags! If you read the article and slobber over every saucy word like you are some kind of retarded chimp that I fantasize about then you'll infer how scared these kids were and you'll realize how they must have begged and pleaded like hell for the other "unimportant" people to go back to scary hotel swiss cheese wall hell!

Now that you know all of this, why don't you go back to the band's journal from Day 1 in Congo when they first arrived and see how excited they were! Yes, this is what drummer Stevo said! He/It said:

"The town of Bukavu is situated next to a lake that we can see from the terrace of our hotel. The town of Bukavu, although it is stricken by poverty and has been decimated by the war, still has lots of character and appears to be a really interesting place. I'm glad we're here."

I wonder if that same terrace view of the lake later became cluttered with small arms fire and a focus of all bloody canadian glam punk fear, where in the distance brave UN peacekeepers donning bright baby blue helmets awaited courageously for the shooting to stop so they could rescue the offensive looking (in that region) kids and then bravely run away through the jungle, kicking up dust as they scatter into the sunset!

Old Say Anything mp3s
By now you're probably starting to realize that the new New Found Glory cd isn't as good as the last one but that's ok because really weird band Say Anything is going to make you forget how New Found Glory is trying to sound like Korn. So if you listen to these mp3s of Say Anything's old stuff then this October, when the Say Anythings are the next big thing, you can tell everyone how you've listened to them for a while and how you're not like "these trendy new posers"! Yes, that's "indie"!

2004-05-31T08:30:00.000-05:00

More on the feeding tube slowly being removed from the music industry during the final stages of its descent into death
I said some pretty awesome things in my last post (which I consider, as of most of my posts, that it is one of the most beautiful products of life which is a product of sex which is a product of looking at porno sluts on the internet) but such aforementioned awesome things might be too difficult for you to understand so let me lay it out for you again gorgeous.

There is a perusive plague-like disease spreading through the major labels who have refused to upgrade their business model to The Internet Is Killing Your Business So You'd Better Take Advantage Of It v2.0! One of the requirements in this simple plan (not to be confused with an unoriginal queer eye for the straight guy looking punk band) is that you sign bands that are causing a buzz rather than based on their image or one or two novelty songs! So while you're caught up with these fucking offensive Buzzcock wannabes and 80s new wave wannabes and cock rock wannabes and grunge wannabes, there are respectable underground bands releasing their music DIY or through smaller labels (some people call them "independent" labels but they are not independent from anything except success)! It doesn't matter anymore what label you're signed to because you can just as easily put a bunch of mp3s on purevolume and you'll attract an audience as long as you're good! And you're going to see more of this!

Of course bands won't be making as much money as you would under the assembly line model of major labels but you musicians are the ones who have always denounced the role of money in music! The internet makes it easier to distribute cds so you won't need a corporate distributor, so your salaries are going to go down! Yes that's right baby! But I don't want to hear any complaining because you are the people who have always said you're doing it "for the fans" and not "for the money"! And don't think I'm going to forget because I won't, and Dr. Balls will be there when you do complain and yours truly will remind you, and make fun of you at the same time while masturbating to your humiliation!

Punkvoter finally admits Iraq war wasn't for oil!
I've been telling you stupid idiots, I mean friends, for months now how low your oil prices must be! I was all like, yeah, you just invaded a country for oil and now that you're looting it then your market must be flooded with oil and oil and more oil to the point where it is really fucking cheap? Right? No, wrong!

Yes! Oh yes! I know because punkvoter.com put something on their website about how expensive gas is and how they can't take it anymore! I read it and was like, wow, I didn't know gas was so expensive in America! So that must mean the war wasn't for oil? Because otherwise you would have oil?

Oh baby shit taste yes, I can already read the emails that I'm gonna get: "No Dr. Balls you have it all wrong, you're stupid, you don't know anything, it's all a big conspiracy and you are a tool of the system" Everbody is stupid but you, isn't that right! And everything is a fucking conspiracy, isn't it! Well let me let you in on a little conspiracy: The end of the fucking world is coming and it is on your doorstep like a mail order Russian bride soaked in the rain and it is going to knock down your bedroom door while you sleep and steal you away from your boring ass dreams and take you away to a quaint little place called fucking oblivion where the stars melt like cheese onto your average looking, plain-featured face while I nakedly dance in awesome glee in the glory of the triumphant moment known as the final round of Armaggedon with the festive seventh horn of the apocalypse in one of my hands and in the other hand the issue of Alternative Press with the ugliest cover a magazine has ever been able to torture your eyes with!

Dr. Balls lobbying for federal regulation of rock band websites!
Since so many freaking socialist rock bands want their government more and more to regulate everything in the world, it is only fitting for rock bands to be regulated themselves, so acid freak Dr. Balls wants specifically these ball-free rock band websites, specifically to these specifics and wiping the crack of knowledge with self righteous punkers who claim they are "intellectual" because they want other people to pay for their health care! There I did it again, but anyway these are the rules that bands should follow when they layout out their websites niggas! They are based on currently existing standards!

Required:

- Flash splash page with "loading" message.

- Small, hard-to-find "enter" link that opens the rest of the site in a very small pop up window. (A pop up window is required because search engines can't index them, making it even harder for people to come across your site.)

- The small pop up window should be cluttered with large logo and photos, leaving little space for actual content, so the smallest font possible is used.

- Since 90% of your visitors are looking for an mp3, make your mp3s the hardest part of your site to find. (Example: From home page click Media link, click Audio link, click link to your Purevolume page which opens in a new window)

- Message board link must open in new window.

- The frequency of news posts should be inversely proportional to your popularity:
N = 1/P
(examples
Saves the Day: Frequency=Twice a year
Fall Out Boy: Frequency=Almost every day)

2004-05-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

Save it for later baby, I'm listening to the new Modest Mouse rap album!

Dr. Balls interviews Say Anything on thescout.net
Here's a taste!

Dr. Balls: So tell me, you talk about some slut in that song Whoa that I constantly play while here in my office at the world renowned Sack Institute, so who is she and what, if possible, is her social security number?
Max: shes dead

thescout.net reaffirms end of the world for music industry
Yes it is true, the end of the world is coming like a giant meteor to earth and the music industry is the dinosaurs. thescout.net, which is the only other site that can correctly boast that my words are officially posted on it, does a good job detailing every painful moment of the cancer that is spreading through the business like the Nothing in The Neverending Story.

And you know me I'm usually there defending all of those rich people for which you harbor great hatred because they, like me, live in the lap of everlusting luxury and on the spot bjs, but I'll be the first to tell you that music and business just don't work together. Music doesn't need to be driven by business anymore, because there is the internet! There was once a time when you had to sell your soul to get on the radio in New York and LA and that was your only chance. Now anyone can record their own tight jeans emo music and put it on the web! So the music industry eventually has to bite the salad hole eventually and give itself one final blowjob before it evaporates into infinity, which is where I want to be right now so that I won't feel the stinging presence of scathing scabs in the place where it matters most when pleasing the unseemly riff raff and almost good looking sluts who hang out at my official lair and making them do stuff that they wouldn't normally do except that I'm all into pounding the shit out of that vaggie while you want to be all sensitive and metrosexual around it!

Dr. Balls + Jason Tate = BFF
Now it's like people can't believe that Jason Tate of absolutepunk.net and my awesome self are best fucking friends! When I read the writing on the wall, which you often tell me to do, I read that people think Tate and I are so different! Listen people! Why would I not like Tate? Because we don't agree on like 1 or 2 things? What the hell is wrong with you? It's not like he is a socialist! He also runs the best music news site out there, you know, the one that you people bitch about for posting gossip, which is exactly why you visit the site in the first place! He's going to end up being a rich, successful man-child one day and then maybe he'll agree with me more, but only after years and years of constant hard work and tenacious dedication at being the absolute best in his field only to have every hard earned moment scrutinized and criticized by people who themselves will never understand what it means to be the best at anything because they themselves are fucking unmotivated socialist fuckfaces oh yeah!

2004-05-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

Ok baby, but if that's what you call a cornhole, then how about first you shuck my corn?

Excerpts from the transcript from Dr. Ball's appearance before the 4-18 commission investigating the now unsaucalicious song stealing scandal

Dr. Sewer: Thank you Dr. Balls for accepting our invitation for your mandatory presence in front of this panel. It is in the interest of The Sack Institute to investigate your involvement in the online song stealing scandal, for possible breach of certain ethical codes. How are you doing this morning?

Dr. Balls: Pervasive!

...

Dr. Sewer: Now first off, you became involved in the scandal when you accused Runner Up of making up the whole scandal, is that correct? Now what proof did you exactly have, if you indeed did have any, and please tell us how credible this proof was, how credible your claim was, and do you still believe it, if you indeed still believe it to be true?

Dr. Balls: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I was busy staring at the hair growing from my palms, insane!

...

Mr. Bynlodden: What proof did you have that Runner Up made up the scandal and made up No Delay?

Dr. Balls: None.

Mr. Bynlodden: None? But in your April 18th weblog posting you listed several reasons why you believed No Delay was a real band including, and I quote: "They have no web site, none of their IMs have yet to log in, there is no picture of the band on purevolume.com, and you know how almost every single one of those bands likes to get their cute little mugs all over everyone's screens, [and] one of the guy's in the band is named Tino ['Tino' emphasized in italics]". Was that your proof?

Dr. Balls: Oh yea, I guess I did say that.

...

Dr. Sewer: Dr. Balls, The Sack Institute does not tolerate its employees harassing people over the internet.

Dr. Balls: It should.

...

Dr. Balls: Yes I still think it was entirely possible that the whole thing was a pretend reality concocted by the likes of Anti-Flag to destroy me before I can destroy them because they are on some mission from god to overthrow Bush in November almost as bad as the terrorists do! Yeah haha baby, it's--

Dr. Potiguaya: That's it Dr. Balls! This commission has had enough of your, this... your...

Dr. Balls: Yes, say it baby! Spit it out like you are rejecting the guy on guy action that accidented in your mouth!

Those faggots banned me from the freaking Sack Institute for the rest of the week! I wasn't allowed in my office over the weekend which is something I do every week to escape the riff raff going on at my gangbang palace!

Dr. Balls told you so about Saves the Day!
I told you fucking people not to worry about the STDs! Have you heard the latest? Baby? They're focusing on their older, punkier songs with a new b-sides album (by the way may we please stop calling them b-sides since these songs now come from CDs which have only 1 side?), and they're touring with Boys Night Out and Reggie and the Full Errect! And then Chris Conelly is going to walk out on stage looking like this once again instead of like this and your thoughts will sizzle once again with the fleshy thoughts of pink mound pounding involving aforementioned Chris Conelly vs. your puss?

Dr. Balls serious about charity for Iraqi prison abusees
I don't understand what some of you thought about my new charity. I'm serious about it! I don't think these rapists, killers, theives, and terrorists deserve to be treated so unfairly!

2004-05-12T21:22:00.001-05:00

Dr. Balls starting charity fund for Iraqi prison abuse victims!
Come on in, it's warm nigga! That's right, you heard me! I'm raising money to send to the Iraqi prisoners who have been abused by those American soldiers, which has been all over the news! How dare the Americans give such humiliating treatment to these unfairly jailed terrorists, rapists, and murderers!

Anti-Flag in 'Canada-gate' outsourcing scandal!
On May 8, punkvoter.com fell in love with the viper all over again when they got pissed about George Bush riding around in a bus made in Canada.

But little did they know that just a week earlier it was uncovered by anti-anti-flag.com that Anti-Flag, one of the more moist mouthpieces of punkvoter, outsources their website design to a Canadian company! Who was it that warned not to throw stones if you live in a glass house? Oh yeah, it was Jesus! And you know what happened to him? They killed him!

Dr. Balls 4-18 scandal under investigative eye of leaderless political commission
I, Dr. "Gonna-getcha" Balls, am going to testify before the commission tomorrow! How flavourlessly unsaucalicious!